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Elderly parents

Mum has moved in down the road...

28 replies

Anonymum40 · 07/03/2021 19:22

My DF died nearly 2 years ago and after much procrastination my 82yo mum has finally moved out of the family home and into a flat in sheltered accom 5 minutes from us.

She is obviously unsettled at the moment and I am probably panicking prematurely, but she is sooo needy. She seems to have no idea how to entertain herself. She won't watch TV until after 6 (it's always been the rule since the 70s!). She doesn't read, she has no interests and can't entertain herself. She also rejects any forms of technology as 'too complicated', without even trying. Her life purpose was looking after my dad. Now she's clueless. Incidentelly he worshipped her, though he would admit himself that she could be 'very difficult' at times.

I was excited about her moving to her new flat. My sister and I arranged all the removals and made it all lovely before she stepped foot inside. Her first comment 'oh it's cold' and 'it could do with some pictures', then a sort of ongoing sulk. She's obviously nervous about it all. But her ability to push my buttons means I'm permanently feeling guilty and on edge. My sister - who she's always had a tricky relationship with - thinks she's narcissistic and slmply can't compute if things aren't revolving around her. Which actually makes sense now I've had more exposure recently.

I was hoping she'd make some friends and embrace her new town but so far all I've heard is moaning and self-pity and it's worrying the hell out of me. Obviously lock down isn't helping her make friends.

Am I panicking prematurely??.

OP posts:
StillWeRise · 07/03/2021 19:45

she has moved at a very difficult time
I have a similar arrangement although my DM lives completely independently. She had been here for a few years before covid, and settled in really well, attending lots of groups and making friends in the church etc.
Sadly of course all those have been stopped. She coped well with the first lockdown (we did all shopping etc) but is finding it harder this time round.
I'd start researching now to find the local groups that might interest your mum, so when things start up you can encourage her to go. Is there anything you might enjoy doing together...choir? crafts? local history? yoga?
Remember too that 2 years is still a short time to be grieving your life partner.
good luck- even if it's hard, remember that if she ever needs significan support from you it will be much, much easier with her nearby.

Mum5net · 07/03/2021 19:38

And breathe Grin
Very well done on helping her downsize to something safe and local. No mean feat. Many of us on here have failed this stage.

thesandwich · 07/03/2021 19:34

How long ago did your dm move? It will be such a big change for her and COVID doesn't help at all.
Sounds like you've done a great job making it lovely for her.
After many years supporting dm I am trying to remember it is not my job to make her happy and I try and accept I never will. Not easy.
She's got to find her own way- and be careful what patterns you set up and are happy to sustain.
And look after yourself