Is Dad Expecting Too Much?

My dad doesn't believe he should go private even though he can easily afford it, because private medicine isn't for the likes of him-life long socialist bless him. He would dump his principles in a heartbeat if it came to paying for one of the kids or grandkids though! Could you not reverse this and say you are setting up the operation for him privately as you can't bear to see him suffer. Tell him he would do the same for you. Hopefully when it is all arranged he will feel he has to cough up! If only to prevent you from doing so.

Could you rent out your house and rent a different place nearer to your dad?

I would be honest with him and say that the middle of the night call-outs and daily travel is killing you, and that you're desperate to find a solution.

Excellent answers already so this won't be as good but, there are things to flag up here. How long has he really got? Maybe less than a decade, you never know, it may be more. Whether less or more, you can't have 'last' years having hassle with the family getting worn out over looking after him, it's no way to enjoy life in the present. That applies even if he's got a generous amount of time left, because there's more chance you will run out of puff.

Personally I'd have thought waiting for the NHS op is false economy and what's the point of having loads of money if you can't jump the queue but for some this is a political point.

However, if he's vigilant with his cash he better avoid getting overstretched and failing. A care home will be no less than a grand a week. Do the maths on that for five or six years or more. They'll be less to hand over to the family then, it's a drain on cash reserves. So is inheritance tax, in fact you might argue he could do that thing where he bequeathes it to his family with a 7 year gap so they avoid inheritance tax altogether or should I not mention that on a forum? Do get financial advice on this.

I agree with the whole outsourcing thing - get some regular help. A firm like 'Home Instead' comes highly recommended but is probably not local to you.

Echo pp and suggest you get help in for him he can pay for.
Outsource as much as possible then you can focus on being family visitors not carers.
Do what only you can do.

Hello, really tough one, I would say your Dad probably is expecting a bit too much but I do think it's natural and to an extent to be expected that parents get more dependent on their children and demanding and it's really hard to know where to draw that line.

I do think you are wise to not be taking on a big mortgage at this time if you are unsure of your husband's job security (and in particular if the only reason is to be closer to your father - surely a move at this stage would be quite disruptive to your teens as well, would they not have to move schools or have a long daily commute to school/friends/activities if you move 30 mins away?).

I don't think it's necessarily reasonable to expect your father to commit to making an unspecified (but presumably substantial?) financial contribution at some unknown future date, there are lots of factors that could intervene to make that not possible, his health could decline and his savings be needed to pay for care, he could lose capacity to manage his money (just because you know where the money is/account details doesn't mean you could just go in and take the money in the event of his death or illness, even if he gives you power of attorney you can't necessarily just grant yourself the money, it's more complicated than that), any number of things. So I think if your Dad wants you to be nearer him and a financial contribution from him is the only way to make that happen it needs to be an upfront gift from him now with no strings attached (anything else is just too messy and fraught with difficulties). If not then I think you need to tell him it's not happening.

What you do next is tough, would him moving to be near you be a better option? My Mum has recently moved to a really lovely modern sheltered housing/retirement complex with carers on site 24/7, a restaurant, cafe etc. You live independently in your own bright modern flat and it honestly doesn't feel institutional at all, more like a swanky apartment block or upmarket hotel. Obviously it's not cheap but she was able to buy a 1 bed flat outright after selling her previous house, or rental is an option too. You have to pay for any care or assistance (cleaning, laundry, meals etc) on top of your rent/purchase costs but council tax, bills and maintenance of the communal areas and gardens is included in the service charge so really straight forward to manage. If something similar was available near you would that be an option for your Dad?

I think also you need to set a level of visiting/help that's sustainable for you and really try to impress on your dad that he needs to be using his resources to help him manage outside of your visits and not simply just expecting you to drop everything and run to his summons. I know so many old people that are really resistant to having any outside assistance or care whatsoever, sometimes the money is used as an excuse (despite being easily able to afford it), sometimes they just don't want strangers in the house but really it all comes down to fear of losing their independence and wanting their family to 'look after' them which simply isn't always possible or the best way. Can you look at the reasons for your visits and which can be outsourced - shopping can be done online and delivered (some services I think will even bring in and unpack into the fridge/freezer for you if he can't manage himself), jobs - is this maintenance/cleaning/gardening? Age UK have a brilliant service available where they'll provide vetted cleaners/gardeners/handymen at a reasonable hourly rate which we used extensively for my mum before she moved to the retirement complex. Can you try and sell it to him that if he does this, then when you visit you can actually enjoy quality time together rather than running around doing jobs? You might also have to get a bit firmer with him, my mum got to a point where things like 'she'd lost the telly remote' or 'a lightbulb's gone out' would be reason to constitute an 'emergency visit' from me or my brother (both of us lived further away than you as well) and we had to start telling her it would need to wait for our next planned visit, she wasn't super happy and started grumbling a lot about 'uncaring children' and told us lots of convenient 'news' about how her friend Susan's children live 2 mins away and come round to her house 10 times a day or whatever but I had to be a bit hard-hearted and say 'that's lovely for Susan mum but we live in London' on repeat...

I'd also look into getting him a pendent/care line service so he can press the big red button and get help if he has a medical issue or any emergency out of hours, it goes through to a call centre who can triage and call emergency services if necessary, it's not really wise to rely fully on you when you may not be nearby and also if the worst case scenario (of a fall or whatever) he may not be able to make it to a phone...