Is Dad Expecting Too Much?

He's being massively unreasonable, and dare I say selfish. But all the while you prop him up nothing will change.
My DM ended up on antidepressants and BP medication running round after my GM. It tainted the last few years of their relationship for sure.
We save all our lives to ensure we are safe and well cared for in old age and if your DF chooses not to spend on services that would help he should live with the consequences.
I can't believe any good parent would actually let their DC with jobs, families and lives of their own actually do this! Doesn't it make you think differently of him. It would me.
If you want your life to pan out differently you have to make different choices. His wants do not trump yours, indeed, I would say they come after those of your DH and DC.

Why would he part with his money if he already has you on call and appearing daily to his demands regardless of you living further away?

Unless you start showing him you can't visit on demand due to your location he's not going to change his mind.

So you've discussed getting money to move directly and he has said no. He also won't pay for an Op that he can well afford and would improve his quality of life significantly.

It's up to you, but unless you pull back you could be doing the hour long daily trip for many more years. If it were me I'd investigate what paid help can be brought in, he has the agency to refuse it, but equally you shouldn't need to be doing this every day. Think of it as an insurance policy - you need back up in case any of your family is ill or there us something else that happens that means you can't come.

being elderly isnt a pass for being selfish. Being alone all day with your problems makes them loom larger, I don't think it's usually deliberate lack of care for others (the fact he wants to save his money for inheritance rather than, as he'll see it, fritter it away on himself, shows that). But the effect is the same.

I am slightly uncomfortable with your absolute determination to move closer to your father (and your younger DC's school, and presumably to a better area) based on your DF's support. If you can get the mortgage without his help, why do you really need him to commit to something that he is clearly not comfortable with?

I agree that it makes sense, I agree that it would be a good use of his money (and that he should consider private surgery). But if he doesn't want to help you but a more expensive house then that is his choice and I would accept it and either fund my own move or make clear that the travel is too much and will have to be reduced.

Tricky one OP - i suppose something to point out here is that you briefly mention giving up your job if he needs it later on, but also your husbands job stability (regardless of the larger mortgage or not) is this something you'd even be able to reasonably take on?
He cant have it all ways, he cant refuse to move, and refuse to spend money on carers, and want to pass all the money to you, and desperately want you to have all the money and not the gov but also refuse to spend any of it on you now when he'll likely need more care, and expect you to uproot your family, and expect you to drive there at the snap of his fingers. Your family and relationship with DH and sanity is more likely to suffer under the strain of you going back and forth... I get that he's your dad and he's elderly and on his own but im a bit sad for you that he's seemingly okay with having you go to all this trouble for the next 5, 10, 15 years and him not making any compromises to make your life even the tiniest bit easier. Im sure he'll come round, being elderly isnt a pass for being selfish. (Sorry if that sounds harsh, just seen a lot of friends ground down under the carer role!)

I think your dad has been clear he isn't willing to support you moving closer (for whatever reason) and you cannot currently afford to move without his help / support. It may be far more logical for you to care for him as you have done for others. However, the distance means you can't. So you need to consider the alternatives. So consider what you can do and explain to him what is possible and think about how the gaps might be filled in e.g. cleaner, home help etc or him just doing more. I get it's not your choice of how you would like to care for him and it is disappointing but there is nothing you can do to change it at the moment.

Look: if he ‘can’t’ Help you move closer he also can’t expect you to be there at a moment’s notice whenever he needs you.

This could go on for another 15 years.

OP, the opening up of lockdown gives a good opportunity for a proper talk. Don’t get into a habit of hunting and eye rolling.

Tell him that there is a practical issue that needs solving: that with things opening up you will be less available at short notice, and the long round trips are taking x hours out of your working week which just isn’t possible for you to to do.

I feel your pain, OP.

My parents are the same. ‘This house will be yours’..... except there is a very good chance it will not because of potential care fees.

Wouldn’t accept help until they simply could not manage without.

Your DH is right to be wary. My Dad had prostate issues 20 years ago and is now alive but very in need of expensive care at almost 90. The money is dwindling.

Moving closer will help for routine support, but what when you go on hol? What if / when he becomes seriously unable to cope?

I would be a little bit cruel to be kind: suddenly be unable to answer a call for help. Or be ‘away from home’ after March 29th and very delayed. Not when there is a threat to life or limb, of course.

he probably assumes that your the same even though he knows that’s not the case Very true - I have to actively remind myself that friends and family are not free agents during the week.

I had to be quite firm with my Dad "I can't come and deal with that today but I can come tomorrow" "Sorry, I can't discuss this now, I need to go - write down the main points and we can discuss it next time".

I notice DS2 phones me on his walk to the station. It may be because that's when he's free to phone, but I'm very alert to the possibility it's because it gives him an excuse to terminate the call "got to go, the train's just coming". It's not much fun being left to come to your own conclusion.

Personally I would have it out with him
Put out exactly what you would like rather than hinting
Reduce the amount of time you visit to every other day
That’s more than enough for someone with little or no care and mobility needs
Explain you can’t visit every day it’s to knackering and you will only be visiting every other day . In the meantime on the days you don’t visit video call him 😂
Often it’s a case of because your dad’s retired and has nothing to do all day he probably assumes that your the same even though he knows that’s not the case
My dad tried this with me and my husband as we are both self employed so he thinks we can just drop stuff to do stuff for him
We only live 2 mins drive away and we will visit most days but I have no feeling of guilt if not visiting if I am busy

Charlie... good luck

Thinking of you . Remember you can only do what you can do and you shouldn't be sacrificing your children's well-being nor yours for a promise or something you never signed up for nor may be available later on. It is absolutely ok to draw up boundaries and say "this is what I can do" "will help you privately arrange more support if you want that (he pays not you)"

If there's one thing I regret not doing re my Mum's care in seven care homes over six years, it was that we neglected to get LPA in Health and Welfare (we had it in Finance only). Without it, you are simply not the decision maker for your parent's care once they are deemed to have lost mental capacity. The State is - and it does actually profit from your parent's death. You won't even be allowed to look at the medical notes.

Please stop thinking about trying to move to a more expensive property.

You don't need to use an agency. You can employ one person or two that will become familiar to him as PAs. It's his choice but you can do twice a week or whatever your comfort zone is... what he decides, as can clearly afford it, is up to him. He is promising money as inheritance to his GDCs that they may never see (his money may all end up going on care home fees) and won't benefit them now when they and you are young and have a right to enjoy your family lives.

Please please set boundaries and stop trying to tie yourself in knots , listen to your partner and what your children want. This is your life not your dads, your dad has other options

I would honestly just pay for the OP if I could
You need to sit him down and explain the realities and tell him you love him but he needs to get on board for you as well as himself.

OK I am on Parent 3 with this stuff.

We had one with significant cash but poor daily living. What I would look at is moving him to a flat or smaller place nearer you and start talking about that with him.

Strangers are soon friends when you see them - I got by this one with a shall we give it a go for the mornings, it helps ME out to know someone is coming in to get breakfast and do tea (and make sure they are up and dressed and no issues to sort) maybe waive a duster around etc. Start small. The sooner this is in place the better but if he has savings he will have to pay for it. It allows you to easily up and downscale care on a daily basis if necessary.

I would also look at getting a Financial LPA in place now - wouldn't bother with the health one - it makes little difference to the decision making and the way things are handled. The financial one can help you do small things for him that encourage confidence in you doing them. They do get stuck in their ways but it is possible to move them along slowly and the sooner started the more familiar they get with people and trust develops.

There's a few posts with a wall of text so apologies if this has been said already as I've missed it.

To do an hour commute daily of an hour (+ also time helping your dad when there so it could be 2 hours or more a day) is a false economy and taking away time from your own family and other commitments you have (work/ your life, etc) You don't have endless time left with children at home, so that is a somewhat unreasonable expectation of your dad. Saving for GDCs future at the expense of precious family time now whilst they need it more.

It may be worth working out what is realistic, like 2 (or 3?) visits a week to dad on set days and explain to dad he needs to privately fund a personal assistant (PA) or general housekeeper type arrangement with a lovely person local to him, at £10-15/hour for the other days. He can make as flexible arrangements as he wants, or if it isn't urgent he can wait for the days you will be there.

It is very likely that you're spending almost as much in petrol (if most of the bigger things can be done on regular days you're there , so that the PA is only needed for an hour), than he's saving but he's not seeing that as he's not paying.

I wouldn't move house to a more expensive property to be near him if you don't feel it's a sensible stable financial decision. Also, he may not be able to guarantee to help you out financially later on if he ends up in care as he won't be able to do large gifts (deprivation of assets or he may lose capacity). There is so much that can be unexpected that can happen in this type of situation.

You sound lovely and supportive of your father. It is okay to say "we can do this, we will help you arrange ...(..)... when we can't be there"