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Elderly parents
Original poster

My mum wants to die

29 replies

Lawton · 09/02/2021 12:41

My mum is 89 and in a care home around a 100 miles away from me. Every time I speak to her she says she wants to leave the care home, move into her own home and die. She cannot do anything for herself and has lost bowel continence.

Mum is currently refusing food and water but relents every couple of days and will have something small to eat, drink some water and take her meds.

I know she is lonely now my dad is gone but she also doesn't like being around other people so will not come out of her room.

I try and call but not an easy conversation as mum is mostly deaf and doesn't want to wear her hearing aids. Visits can take place through the window but we still have the issue with mum not being able to hear me but nice to see her face.

I'm just at a loss what to do. I always thought I would respect someone's right to die but don't find this such an easy position with my mum and I just don't believe that she really wants to go.

I just wondered how other people have managed this type of situation both for their parent and themselves.

OP posts:
TillyTopper · 09/02/2021 18:36

I completely understand both your views and hers - it's really difficult. My Dad died 2 months after 65 years of marriage and I know my Mum doesn't want to continue. She's not in a home but even if we try to do something nice with her then her heart isn't in it - I can see that. She is just existing and waiting to go. I don't really have any advice. I have just tried to make things as nice as possible whilst being understanding of her wish. I'm sorry OP, that's very hard.

bumblingbovine49 · 09/02/2021 18:31

How long has she been in the home? My mum was similar for the first 6-8 months as she had to go in following a fall and a hospital stay rather than a planned move from home. .

What changed it was she had a hospital admission as she had an infection . She was so desperate to leave the hospital that when she got back she started referring the care home as home as she was so pleased to be back. From then on she started to quite like it there .

This was pre Covid though and my sister visited most days. I went every week and we took her out somewhere in her wheelchair most weeks . She also started to make a few friends there with the residents and carers and started to be happy with the routine.

I think things are awful for people in care homes now. My mum would have been beside herself if we had not seen her for months . I am so sorry your mum is so unhappy and without visits I am not sure what to suggest

Original poster
Lawton · 09/02/2021 18:22

@deathbyprocrastination

Oh gosh, I'm afraid I don't have any advice but this sounds so hard for her and you. I used to visit an old man who felt the same way. I hope someone with more helpful advice will come along soon but in the meantime just wanted to say that I'm sure there's no right way of dealing with a really hard situation like this and I'm sorry you and she are in this position.
Thank you.

I've been reflecting all afternoon. I think I need to challenge my desires versus my mums. I want her last days to be filled with ice creams by the seafront and trips down memory lane. Covid has affected that and I just wish we can get beyond lock down.

OP posts:
deathbyprocrastination · 09/02/2021 13:32

Oh gosh, I'm afraid I don't have any advice but this sounds so hard for her and you. I used to visit an old man who felt the same way. I hope someone with more helpful advice will come along soon but in the meantime just wanted to say that I'm sure there's no right way of dealing with a really hard situation like this and I'm sorry you and she are in this position.