My mum wants to die

Hi - I feel for you, this is really hard. My DM has Alzheimers - she's generally not got capacity any more but a couple of years ago when she still did, she was very clear that she wanted to die, and didn't eat for nearly two months. We were at the point of arranging palliative end of life care and then she seemed to get too weak to remember what she wanted to do, and started eating again.

Since then she's brought it up again a couple of times but the dementia means she can't hold on to the idea. It's very hard to hear, but I think it's really important to listen and support her in the sense of not denying her feelings.

My elderly relative didn't want medication for depression for years, and I kept pushing him. Eventually he shouted at me that he was scared it would make his incontinence worse, so he didn't want to try it. I don't know if there's a link for people around 90 with depression pills and incontinence (maybe depressed people used to get given sedatives/muscle relaxants?) but it might be worth asking her if this is why..?

Could you get a stair lift put in and some part- time help?

OP, my father was very much the same, towards the end of his life. He said "Being old is tough - I've had enough". He was on hunger strike most days, but had dementia so sometimes forgot his death wish when offered tea and cake.

The care home staff were very kind and patient with him, but towards the end he was virtually bedridden and his eyesight was failing, so he couldn't even watch TV or read, to take the edge off his boredom. The weight dropped off him and eventually he was sdmitted to hospital when he reached crisis point. They made him comfortable with pain killers and he passed away peacefully a week later. I was sad, but also relieved, for him. Your mother may follow a similar path. It's hard to watch a loved one fade themselves away, but sadly it's quite common.

I'm sorry she won't accept medication. It sounds tough and I really feel for you. I hope some of the suggestions on here will help

If the GP will refer her to the local Older Adults Mental Health service for an assessment then hopefully they will consider more than just meds. If the service is a good one

Think about all the years you will have after she's gone. Spend time accepting her view now, rather than wishing that you had, later. You don't have to disregard your own view in order to do this. You can want one thing, and she can want another. Her hearing from you how hard it is for you to accept, but that you do accept, will be a very powerful thing between you. Give her your permission to feel the way she feels. Otherwise when she goes, she's going against your wishes.

I know it's really hard. I went through this a couple of years ago and he died in December. It's so much better in the end, if you can accept what she's saying, and it will help your grief after she's gone, too, because you will have the feelin of acceptance already

Sorry cross post

OP so sorry to hear you’re going through this.
I think you need to speak to the GP and ask for a Mental Health assessment. There may be something treatable.

Has anyone spoken to her GP about potential depression?

Could she be moved to a home closer to where you live?

Poor you. Poor her.

Also, My investigations into legal euthanasia have shown that even if you know what you want, are almost impossible to get!

Horrible situation for you both

I'm so sorry you're both in this position Just a thought - could clinical depression be a possibility, if so, maybe medication for that might help.
If she was young, she would very likely to be considered to be depressed, and I wonder if it's being missed purely because she has every reason to be feeling down at the moment

I found it a lot easier to accept that he wanted to die, and be understanding with him about it, and allow him to talk about how unfair it was that he had to keep waking up every morning. I fought against it for quite a long time and eventually, I was glad I'd accepted it because it felt like validating and respecting his feelings.

If you don't believe her, can you talk with her about how and why she feels that way? She's probably got people saying 'Oh, don't be silly, you don't mean that!' all day long, and might find relief in talking openly and honestly about it, without being silenced or contradicted.

I really hope you can reach some peace with her about this. It's a very hard pill to swallow, when a person wants to leave, but swallowing it is better than spitting it back out in their face.

I guess you aren't able to provide care for her in your home? It seems the only way to get her that 'ice-cream by the beach ending' which is completely understandable. I feel for you both. Covid is awful. I hope you can find some way through this. 💐

Similar situation here. I'm four hours away from DMs care home and have only managed one visit last summer to sit in the garden with her for 30mins. Luckily DB is nearby and has done weekly garden/window visits when allowed. Currently not allowed as they have a positive case.

Does the care home offer Skype/Zoom calls? These have been a godsend and she loves to see me and the grandchildren, rather than just talk on the phone.

My mum has no mobility so is reliant on them switching on her tv/radio otherwise she just sits in her wheelchair in her room living inside her head. It's heartbreaking, because you know the only thing that brightens their day is a family visit. DM is still smiling though and I pray she can hang on so we can all get together again.

I find talking about happy moments from childhood or holidays tends to get the best from her when we do chat. I call her twice a week as does DB.

I know we all know why, but sometimes I can't believe I haven't hugged or kissed my mum for nearly a year.