Worried about Dad moving to a care home.

Very interesting, MereDintofPandiculation - I wondered this too. Though I think it's maybe cart before the horse. Women are more in care homes, the elderly are not economically viable so the State declares war on them. It might well be the same if it were men in care homes.

Point 2 - do women continue to have 'worth' if they are mothers/ grandmothers, they ironically are seen to have more of a role to play whereas men, not working any more, are deemed to have less of a purpose? Or it may be the usual flip side of sexism - 'we love women, we'll hold the door open for them, they are lovely - ah but not of equal status of course', sort of patronising.

Yes, this Cabinet is quite lacking in diversity. It's the least diverse since when? It's also lacking in political diversity, because of Brexit. As I've said here or elsewhere, it models itself on a local authority - lacking in women generally, no vision to speak of, only in it for themselves and their corrupt mates, hates people generally but especially those who may be costing them money: the homeless (we'll buy you a one-way ticket out of town, don't come back), those on welfare, families who have kids with special needs (we'll drag you thru the law courts cos we're happier spending the money feathering the nests of our lawyer mates than on you), the elderly (Council's Safeguarding heads complicit in care home wrongdoing, go to war on unsuspecting families who raise concerns about care homes) and so on.

The Cabinet is like this, it was like that under Theresa May. She and her long-term ally Chris Grayling shared a local authority background (Merton Council, they were part of the so-called Wimbledon set).

it does make me wonder - esp with the current makeup of this Cabinet - whether there isn't some sexism at play Our society is inherently sexist - ageism is far more targeted at women than at men. "Little old woman" "granny" aren't presented as things to aspire to. Look about all the trouble the BBC has been having of the disappearance of women once they reach middle age. Would a 99 year old woman walking around her garden with a walking frame while recovering from a hip operation have garnered as much adoration as Captain Tom? Not detracting from what he did, just thinking that it wouldn't have taken off as it did had he not been a man.

This admittedly runs counter to the whole 'Don't kill granny' blurb spouted about the crisis, as if granddads are of no comparative worth Is this because there are so many more "grannies" (here probably defined as a woman of 80 plus and therefore more likely to be a great granny) - which may be behind some of the sexism - elderly men are saluted more because there are fewer of them.

On behalf of my own gender, I should point out that I knew of many instances where the elderly husband would be making daily trips to the care home to tend to their wife.
I rarely saw the reverse apply, not least for the reason cited - v few male care home residents anyway. But if the men are older, and they don't have anyone looking in, I'm not altogether sure they'll go the distance.

Thanks MereDintofPandiculation (did I get that right?) that's very interesting.
I am afraid I have a savagely cynical view about care homes and the pandemic but it does make me wonder - esp with the current makeup of this Cabinet - whether there isn't some sexism at play to go along with the fact that the old are not economically viable, and this Govt has a ruthless attitude to any such people.
This admittedly runs counter to the whole 'Don't kill granny' blurb spouted about the crisis, as if granddads are of no comparative worth.

This does touch on a strange thing about care homes - most of the residents are women. In fact, in my late mother's first three or four care homes there were hardly any men there at all. What gives? Different life expectancy contributes. ONS stats: "There were more than 600,000 people aged 90 years and over in 2019, increasing by 3.6% compared with 2018, from 584,024 to 605,181."

"There were just over twice as many women as men aged 90 years and over in 2019."

Then average age at marriage is about 2 years greater for men than for women. So what candelabra saying about the protective effective of having a de facto live in carer applies too.

Think there may be a community effect too - neighbours are more likely to offer support to a very elderly man than to a very elderly woman.

This does touch on a strange thing about care homes - most of the residents are women. In fact, in my late mother's first three or four care homes there were hardly any men there at all. What gives?

Nametags - you can try the cheat's solution of writing in indelible pen on the garment label. It's how our home does it. They need touching up now and again, but the laundry lady does that (she's very good and seems to know what belongs to who even without the label - but then there's only 4 men so not so difficult, I don't know how well she does with the 29 women).

But don't use iron-on labels, they peel off too quickly.

@Acovic Personalised card is a good idea, thanks! I'll try that for my father. Funkypigeon offers a photo upload if you're working from a desktop rather than a phone.

My tip is to send in basic clothes machine washable and dryable, ideally elasticated waistband, order name tags (I paid £8.99 for 12 dozen) and sew in, outside of socks and underwear. Light clothing as home is likely to be heated like Caribbean but cardigans/fleece for if they feel cool.

Copies of photos are better as stuff goes missing, nothing valuable, laminating a family tree was recommended to us, means staff can work out connections. A cheap tablet is one thing that worked for us - depending on cognitive ability, even if they need a bit of help and it's stored in a safe place. Favourite snacks are good, sweets from childhood were a big favourite and we could get them dropped off, then once covid hit a member of staff was willing to pick up things (only one grandparent had dementia in our case but they went in together)

My siblings and I use one of the postcard apps (mine is TouchNote) to send pictures of life to our care home dweller with a quick note on the back.

It helps keep them up to date with what is going on and I suspect gives the staff something to talk about.

The apps let you choose a photo from your phone that is then printed out and posted as a physical postcard. Also good for friends who live overseas!!

That's good news. Glad to hear the transfer went well. I think a settling in period is good. I tried to visit my mum every day after she arrived at the care home. It was very unsettling for both of us, and unhelpful for mum. She was at home there very quickly.

Thanks all

Touch wood he's been ok so far and the staff seem to be trying to keep him happy. It's still sad that all we might get is a window visit soon, but I'd rather he was getting settled and cared for.

DMIL went in during lockdown. I dropped off a bag the night before with her clothes, all labelled including underwear and socks. I dropped off things like dressing gown, slippers and framed photos of the family too.

The home agreed to put them in her room so that there might be something to anchor her to the room.

DSIL also filled in the This is me booklet and emailed it to the home and they seemed very grateful for this. She also writes to DMIL each week and we've been told that the staff read the letters to her.

It might be difficult to isolate him in his room for two weeks before he goes in though. DMIL went from a very busy ward so they must have procedures fir when the new household member hadn't been isolated.

Do you know what the visiting arrangements are for now? It might be worth booking in a visitor before he goes in.

Just to say if he is going into a dementia unit then isolating for two weeks may not be required. My DM is in the specialist dementia wing at her care home now and although the staff wear masks and there's loads of rapid flow testing the residents in that unit aren't socially distanced - it would be impossible.

@miimblemomble Glad my dad's not in Scotland! Maybe he wouldn't have got Covid but he's made a complete recovery from that, and I can't see him being happy without his clutter.

When MIL went into the home, they completed a "getting to know you" info sheet, and got family to check / add to it. So names of all important family members, likes and dislikes re. food, music etc, favourite TV shows, hobbies (if they can still do them). I don't think it was laminated or anything, but at least they got a bit of info about MIL.

@MereDintofPandiculation

Oops you are quite right, I meant to add that this is in Scotland where they are extremely strict on rules in care homes.

She hasn’t been allowed to put out any personal items in her room as all surfaces are to be kept clear, so they can be sanitised easily. That's not universal. I was able to deliver Christmas presents and a Christmas tree for his room.

My father seems to be happy in his home. He gets on well with manager, and talks to her quite a bit, and also has long talks with the cooks.The staff all know him and give a good impression of being fond of him. He's certainly in a much better physical state than we were able to maintain at home. Ours was an emergency emission, we didn't see the home beforehand or even read anything about it - it was the only place available and he went in the same afternoon. So although we struck lucky, it is possible.

I made sure that I told them his past, and gave a couple of photos in happier days. He's also doing his bit, talking about his working life (sometimes accurately, sometimes fantasy) to anyone who comes near - they arranged for him to watch an extremely technical Zoom lecture, and the carer who helped him with that now knows far more than she ever thought she wanted to know about Victorian industrial boilers

Honestly, try to forget the negatives and plough on positively to keep your own spirits high. Heed the advice. A few well chosen items to start off with and a week or so later you can decide your next step. Less is probably best!
His main issue is that no one knows the real him. So you need to be clever and give the care staff immediate clues and info about him. Maybe 20 photos with labels on the back. ‘This is Dad drinking tea. He has ten cups of builder’s tea a day’. This is Dad when he toured Scotland. Driving was a passion’. All these clues will help the team get to know him faster. When they change his clothes they need to divert his attention so they will ask about the people in the photos

This week I asked a local residential home what their admission process is and residents are quarantined until the test result but they use the quick test and it's 30 minutes. I don't want to get into whether that's right or wrong, I'm just telling you what they told me. They have a room with garden access that they are using for window visits, I didn't ask whether the visitors get a tent or have to bring their own brolly

My dad is about to move so I'm in a similar boat. He's been in a fabulous residential home for a few years - since his dementia meant he wasn't safe to live alone. It's in the village, I know a lot of the staff, they're all local and it's been fabulous. Then he got covid and had to go into hospital. On discharge his behaviour changed so massively that the residential home can no longer meet his needs. He's still in hospital waiting for an emi covid bed somewhere in the County. Not being able to see him is heart breaking. Having no control over where he might be placed is really hard. I have no answers but you're not alone in this situation.

Re. Sending personal items... MIL went into a carehome during Covid. She hasn’t been allowed to put out any personal items in her room as all surfaces are to be kept clear, so they can be sanitised easily. Anything that isn’t easily wipeable has been packed away. Even the Christmas tree was just a life size picture on the wall!

I’m sorry this is happening. MIL also declined rapidly, mentally and physically, which caught us on the hop. Moving into the home and adjusting during COVID restrictions is hard, FIL hasn’t been able to visit and she can’t manage a phone. The home are doing what they can with distanced visits and Facetime meetings, so we are making the best of that.