My mother is in her mid 50s and I am 21 in my third year out of four at university in the uk.
She was diagnosed with depression in her teens and has been the same ever since. She has had two children, me and my brother who is 5 years older than me and lives with his girlfriend, her children and his baby son. My brother and I have different fathers but we aren’t in touch with either of them as my mum and dad split when I was 2 and I haven’t seen him since.
Lockdown 3.0 has meant I had to stay home with her after Christmas and I’m finding it very hard. Not only do I miss the friends I live with at university (we are very close and I see them as my sort of family) but I have been having a bit of a quarter life crisis, thinking about the future and realising where my life is likely to go if I carry on living the way I do.
My mum is very dependent on me as she doesn’t like to be alone. When I’m at university (about a hour and a half away) I come home every other weekend at her request, sometimes more frequently, and she likes for us to call everyday for usually at least an hour. It’s been this way for over two years now and I have always resented it but am not very good at or very used to confronting her.
I know that if I don’t do something soon she will continue to rely on me too much and I won’t live the life I want to and I’ll become just like her.
I have recently told her that I want to go back to my university flat for a few weeks because I’ve been feeling very down and quite lost recently, and I feel it would do me good and it’s what I need for my mental health. She said that I was being selfish and only thinking of myself, she said “how do you think I feel?” “Everyone is feeling the same” and “you’re going to leave me here on my own in lockdown?” she also said she didn’t like the way I told her (it took me days to work up the courage to say it to her and by this time I was very nervous and just happy I got it out) and the timing, because it was late at night (this is a criticism she has used before when I’ve said things she didn’t want to hear.) She said it made her very angry that I even said it.
I feel like I’m not in control of my life and have long had an unacknowledged feeling that I simply can’t do anything unless my mum agrees, and that I couldn’t be happy is she wasn’t. I wanted to get a part time job at uni in my first year and she told me I could get one on the weekends because that’s when I came home and she had to see me every other weekend, she actually said I couldn’t and I just took it and ended up never getting a job because there were so few available because of my lack of flexibility with hours.
She often talks about how she wants someone to cuddle up with at night and would like a partner for company. I’d love it if she could find someone because I really want her to be happy and because it would take the pressure off me to keep her company so much. I have suggested she try online dating but she won’t.
I feel so exhausted and have broke down crying so many times in the last month thinking about the state of my life and how I have no control over it. It’s like she thinks I don’t have the right to be happy if she isn’t, and I have started to believe it myself.
It is also worth mentioning that she has fibromyalgia which means she sometimes gets bouts of pain all over her body which stops her from doing things.
She has a few friends, all of whom are either married or in relationships and don’t have as much free time as her. Her long term depression and physical illness has prevented her from getting a job and she really needs to feel needed, hence why a partner would be so good for her. However she is overweight and quite insecure about her body.
Sorry this is such a long post, I have friends to talk to but none of them really understand my situation and it’s good to get out off my chest. What do I do? I feel such guilt at wanting to leave her but I am so miserable here. Any advice would be fantastic! And if you’re in the same boat let’s talk, you’re not alone. Thank you :)