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Elderly parents
Original poster

Care home Christmas Day and presents left should I make a fuss?

61 replies

AMBOG · 26/12/2020 18:59

3 days before Christmas went to visit mum in the care home. Wanted to visit outside ( had brought blankets and a hot water bottle) because although we can go inside in a sort of plastic box inside the main room, I have my dad with me and I have been working in a school. Mum wouldn’t stand up to transfer to a wheel chair so had to go in box. I had brought some presents for Christmas Day and wanted to give them to her but they said they had to be quarantined first. Duly left them then came back later with more presents. I asked if someone would help
her open them or if we could do it when we came on Christmas Day. They said they would save them for us. Christmas Day we are suddenly not allowed to visit outside. ( there is never any communication about these matters ) so all go into little box (4 of us) I ask about presents and they can’t find them. 20 minutes later still haven’t found them. Everyone there denies all knowledge because they have just come on. After about half an hour they find them and we open them with her. They also find something that I brought a week ago still in its bag with the label on. It felt like a real lack of care. We can’t get in so we have to trust that mum is being looked after by the people in there. Am I being petty? I would like to think that someone says to her in the morning. Would you like to wear one of your new jumpers? Shall we put these lovely new pyjamas on? Do you want a spray of your perfume? Is it a stupid thing to complain about? I found it quite upsetting. It’s her first Christmas in the care home and she doesn’t really have much idea that of what’s going on Which makes her very vulnerable.

OP posts:
Elzbells · 26/12/2020 21:06

I worked nights in a care home. I was much younger and in a very low position but I can tell you that those whose advocates shouted loudest were treated the best.

Shout loud!

CherryRoulade · 26/12/2020 21:02

SilentLaughing exactly. I haven’t sent my mother any presents or arranged to see her because I know it just places more burden on the home staff. They give kind, compassionate care 24 hours a day; I can see they offer good care. What they don’t need is me demanding more of fussing about a particular cardigan. My mother has no cognition; she won’t know whether I visit or not. She won’t know what she’s wearing.

What might impact on the staffs ability to stroke her hand to calm her is pressure to offer ‘visits’, search for presents and be seen to be making a fuss for relatives.
If I didn’t trust them, my mother would be moved. I don’t need scent to know she is being as well cared for as her condition allows.

Happenchance · 26/12/2020 21:00

Is it possible that the care home staff are trying to help your mum by dressing her in clothes that she is familiar with? How does your mum react to change?

SilentlyLaughing · 26/12/2020 20:46

OP I think pp is pointing out that the very busy, overworked (often on low pay) staff are busy giving personal care to the residents and, whilst it was important to you for your DM to be given the presents, this is at the bottom of their list of priorities after washing, dressing, changing and seeing to the personal needs of 36 residents. You provided the glitter but staff having to take responsibility for it all 36 times over, with no extra staffing, is a lot of extra work so no, I don’t think finding something still in a bag you took a week a go shows a lack of care. You are unlikely to have all 28 of your students needing a pe kit or gloves passing on to them in the same week as seeing 28 sets of parents.

If her hair was regularly unbrushed, clothes dirty or inside out, she was sat in wet underwear then raise hell, report and move her.

No one likes their loved one in a home, I totally understand, it was bad enough visiting in normal times but the extra pressure of Covid is awful and the thought of a loved one needing to have the care of strangers is upsetting. I’m sorry the present giving didn’t go as planned but I don’t think it warrants a complaint Flowers

Original poster
AMBOG · 26/12/2020 20:12

The thing is I did try and provide the glitter that’s the point. That’s why I bought her lots of lovely presents. They wouldn’t let me give them to her because they insisted they had to be quarantined. I am not blaming any staff and I won’t make a strong complaint I just need reassurance that the presents we bought she will have them and use them and that someone is caring for her day to day and she is not just another mad old woman in a care home. When we can get in we will be able to keep an eye and provide any extra but at the moment we can’t so we have to trust others to do it.

OP posts:
CherryRoulade · 26/12/2020 19:40

I think your expectations are entirely unrealistic and unreasonable at this time. She had her presents. She opened them that’s fine.
The care home staff are probably operating on a skeleton staff due to Christmas leave, Covid19 and Brexit. They have all the people to care for in hugely difficult circumstances. They are paid a pittance.

You want glitter on the care perhaps you should provide it?

Original poster
AMBOG · 26/12/2020 19:32

I know they have dozens to look after but she is paying £900 a week. In normal times we would be provide extra care ourselves but we can’t. I am a teacher and teach 28 children. Parents would go mad if I neglected to pass on pe kit or gloves because I was too busy with everything else. There are only 36 in the home. Mum does look physically ok and seems ok usually although she does say they don’t like her and are mean to her. I take that with a pinch of salt because she said that about my dad when she was home. It just felt really sad.

OP posts:
AmberItsACertainty · 26/12/2020 19:11

That's so sad, your mum is a person not just a patient.

LeroyJenkinssss · 26/12/2020 19:09

I don’t know actually. Naturally your focus is solely on your mum but they have dozens to look after and keep track of who has had presents dropped off and how long ago. If she’s otherwise well looked after then I wouldn’t get too vexed about it. It is hard though.

Todayisgood2 · 26/12/2020 19:04

Not silly at all, definitely worth mentioning. You need to be 100 % happy with care level.

justgeton · 26/12/2020 19:04

I agree that's upsetting. I'd be pretty gutted tbh, not to mention bitterly angry.

Are you happy her personal needs are being met otherwise? Does she look well cared for?

I think a quiet conversation with the manager about how you feel is definitely warranted.

I'm sorry this has made a difficult time even harder for you. Thanks

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