Care home Christmas Day and presents left should I make a fuss?

My sister was a carer for many years. She worked in a council run nursing home but they were always understaffed as she said one or two staff was always off sick. She worked 3 days a week but usually used to shop for residents in her own time buying them personal items and cards and stamps to send to their families. She often popped in to drop off a birthday card and spent an extra hour chatting to the clients. I know several relatives of residents used to ask her to spray on perfume, read to residents and put makeup on for them. She did not get to.e to do this when working so often popped in on her own time because she had promised a family member. Some other staff did similar but others did the bare minimum they had to do. She also used to buy residents who had no family a small birthday gift and card she used to say otherwise they would have nothing to open. She always said the residents who had regular visitors got treated best by care home as they were always afraid of complaints.

£900/week is pretty cheap for dementia care actually. (Obviously it depends on where you live

Think it does totally depend on where you live. DMIL's is £650.

£900/week is pretty cheap for dementia care actually. (Obviously it depends on where you live!)

He pines for her like a lovesick teenager. Nothing else makes him happy. As soon as he sees me he asks have you seen your mother? It’s wearing because nothing I can do will make him ok

This is exactly how DFIL is. On the one hand I do feel really sorry for him. He's never lived alone before and hadn't chosen to but I know that DMIL was very unhappy with him for a long time before she became ill and life wasn't quite as rosy as he's remembering.

I initially didn't recognise the dementia in my dad as it presented so differently to my mum. He went through a phase where he had actually forgotten who my mum was and thought that she was some random woman who had been sent to live with him .

It was all very difficult .

Thankfully this was just a phase.
It's all so sad though.

There is lots the home are doing really well. I love the fact that they have allowed visits outside and now in the little box inside. I think that homes that are not allowing any visits are awful. I also think that when we all get our vaccinations and can visit again they might for a fee let dad go every day, although there is some doubt whether mum will like that as one of her hallucinations is that he has been having a fling with a bossy woman called Molly with a very big head. He is so sad without her because he has no recollection of how awful it was when she was at home.

My DMIL has Delirium along with her Vascular Dementia. Eventually, after the hospital and GP ruling out all other potential causes she's been put on anti-psychotic drugs and has settled a little.

One of the things that is odd is that DFIL seems to have very little recognition of what she was like before being admitted to hospital with Delirium.

There also seems to be an awful lot of romanising going on "oh lady Christmas Day was so much better because she was at home". No, we were having to take it in turns to walk her around our village as she had no clue what was going on and kept asking who all the people were in her house and wax getting more distressed as the day progressed.

I imagine the screaming and biting were your mum trying to defend herself as she didn't understand what was going on . It's a shame the first home couldn't cope with that but good that they are able to provide what she needs now.

@AMBOG oh your poor mum. My dad had vascular dementia and he had a lot of hallucinations. Frightening for them and very difficult for family to deal with .

Sounds like the care home are doing really well with her.

@AmberItsACertainty absolutely.
If only there were more of us that thought this way .

My Dad is in a nursing home the same size as yours. They got their Christmas decorations up by the beginning of December. They had a 100th birthday at the beginning of Dec so they dressed up (including the manager) as Christmas elves for the day. Then last Monday the elves had another outing for Father Christmas's grotto. My father apparently enjoyed it greatly - I have a picture of him grinning broadly and wearing antlers.

They set aside an area for presents to be held, so we didn't all have to trek down on Christmas Day, and I put them all in a green bin bag with his name clearly marked. The activities coordinator came in on Christmas morning to distribute presents. Dad rang me in a grump because he couldn't manage to open his presents, so I rang to say he would need help, and they said they were in the middle of getting Christmas dinner together but someone would help him afterwards. And this morning Dad rang me full of the joys of spring to thank me for all the presents.

Since early March I have seen him 3 times through a window, for less than 10 mins each time the third time with the window closed so we couldn't talk. Being able to hand over presents was never going to happen.

I think some people forget the sick and disabled are entitled to quality of life not just a basic existence. There is provision for it in law. You're not expecting too much OP.

Ah so your mum has moved in during the last year . That must be so difficult . TBF I have been doing video links because apart from a 3 week period during the summer we were not allowed visits in person due to Covid levels in the community . At first mum couldn't understand that it was me on the screen , but I found it useful being able to see what was happening in the background and to observe mums interactions with the staff (eg she was comfortable and happy with them). If your mum has only recently moved in you are in a very different position to me and it must be hard on all of you.

I, too, find the idea of not visiting due to it being an inconvenience to staff a strange idea . If there is a visiting room then the home is expecting visitors . Mums home opened up to visitors again with a special room (like your glass box) a few weeks ago. Any visits need to be booked in advance , including any outdoor window visits .

Perhaps one of the things you could suggest to the manager is a weekly newsletter / update for families so you are more informed as to what is going on. We get a weekly update regarding Covid response / visiting processes / plans for vaccinations etc, even during the months where nothing changed we still got this. We also get individual updates every few weeks from the activities coordinator with some photographs of our loved ones and what they've been doing . The staff who do these things are different to the care staff .

I also agree with the poster who said that although £900 seems a lot of money, in terms of care home costings it is nowhere near the top end . I think prices to a certain extent are regional as none of our local homes have the very high prices mentioned on here . Costs for mum have gone up as she has needed a higher level of care .

Slightly off topic but £900 a week is very reasonable! Looking last year for a relative was an eye-opener. Ranged from 750 to 1500 in our area. The 1500 a week wanted an extra 200 as well for dementia care. We ended up with a lovely cosy home for 750 a week. I think a lot of problems are down to shifts changing with no proper communication channels. It all depends on the manager ime.

@AMBOG dont doubt yourself at all.

@CherryRoulade its not about my management attitudes being poor - it's about leadership.
I don't expect families to take into consideration staffing levels etc - that isn't their problem to deal with .

Yes we are all human, yes we make mistakes, but personal care is not the only basic need - compassion, respect, dignity and communication all fall under the bracket of basic needs.

If we are going to say that we accept the quality & standard of service / care is going to be affected by a pandemic then that is a very slippery slope to be on.

What other businesses/ services can get away with saying that ??

Do you think the standard of care is lower in ICU & cardiac wards because of a pandemic?
Because it isnt .

And neither should it be acceptable in care homes either.

AMBOG you'd be right to mention it to the home. It's completely understandable that they had other priorities and with shifts of staff, it's not always easy to keep track of things that have been dropped off, but if you don't mention it, they won't have the chance to organise things a bit better either for your mum or another resident.

It’s huge important for people with cognisance. DMIL has lost mental capacity and doesn't recognise family unfortunately.

Are you completely happy with the home? They seem to be facilitating visits to your DM in a way that suits her but you have sone concerns and have mentioned them failing a recent report.