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Elderly parents
Original poster

"Toxic" mother trying to get money off her 18 year old grandson

38 replies

ElderAngst · 10/12/2020 21:38

I wasn't sure whether to put this in 'Elderly Parents' or 'Relationships'.

I went NC with my ("ignoring" covert narcissist?) mother recently after her latest abusive meltdown directed at me. The latest in 4 decades worth.

Recently my son's Child Tax fund matured. My mum put in some money over the years and it grew in value. To my surprise, my 18 year old son told me today that my mother wants him to buy her a £500 television. She told him she deserves this "gift" from him in return for her putting around £15K in the said fund over the years. He's easygoing and agreed to buy her a TV, though tbf he wasn't given a choice in the matter anyway!

I should add she is a very comfortably off woman and has plenty of money herself. £500 is literally nothing to her.

It brought up so many awful feelings for me, I just can't even describe them.

Am I over-reacting?

I feel I need to calm down, but can't seem to.

Can anyone help me here?

OP posts:
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Vivarium · 13/12/2020 21:16

She is marking her territory.

BertiesLanding · 12/12/2020 11:40

This isn't about money. It's about control. And because you've gone NC with your mother, she is now coming after your son.

Namerchanger42 · 12/12/2020 11:37

Wow, I really hope your son can see this for what it is. What a manipulative backhanded ‘gift’.
I wouldn’t hold back with him to spare her feelings explaining why you have gone NC with her.

DryIce · 11/12/2020 20:04

Completely understand your feelings OP, she was being very manipulative.

However it may be the best thing she was so blatent - if you think she'd try and worm into your son to get at you, at least she did this early on and even he as a naive 18yo is raising an eyebrow! Worse if she'd subtly crept in with him

SunshineCake · 11/12/2020 19:29

I'm saddened your son is still going to give granny £500 even when he knows she as been abusive to you but all credit to him trying to be kind to someone who doesn't deserve it.

Original poster
ElderAngst · 11/12/2020 19:23

Thank you for deleting Growapair's post MNHQ, it was dripping with hatred.

OP posts:
Bluegrass · 11/12/2020 19:22

Growapair - clearly the sort of person who would give a child a gift and then want something from them in return - nice.

Original poster
ElderAngst · 11/12/2020 19:19

Nasty post Growapair. Says lots about you though you're probably "unaware".

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Original poster
ElderAngst · 11/12/2020 19:10

by fear, I meant my fear. I have to get clear of this.

OP posts:
Growapair · 11/12/2020 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
ElderAngst · 11/12/2020 19:09

Thanks for all your spot on observations and comments.

I loved the one about the "educational experience" by Bicycle. Even my son's eyebrows are beginning to rise ... just-ever-so-slightly ... Two weeks before this she told my son to "watch" me in case I took money for myself out of his account Biscuit! FGS.

He is "briefed" SssLou, but I will have to keep an eye on it. Its all very tedious when I have gone NC myself, but will have to find a way. I also wonder how far she will take this destructive bent (fear).

I think I saw Atilla's v good points over on relationships board today about money and how its used "instrumentally" by people with strong narcissistic traits.

OP posts:
Bluegrass · 11/12/2020 18:52

Has she specified a model, or does she just want any tv that costs £500?

I would at least try to find that model cheaper, or perhaps find something else that is cheaper but comes more highly recommended than the one she wants (“you’ll be so proud gran, I saved SO much!”)

She’ll still get a tv, it just won’t be quite on the terms she was expecting, and it would look awful to complain. So a bit like her request in a way...

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2020 18:37

This sort of crap too is precisely why I state that if a relative is too toxic or otherwise batshit for you to deal with, it’s the same deal for your child too.

She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not changed in all the years since.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/12/2020 18:35

He should not purchase her the tv. She ought now to be cut out. It’s not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist and she will merely continue to use your son as supply and otherwise to get back at you

iwanttoridemybicycleiwant · 11/12/2020 18:12

If it helps think of that £500 as going on educational purposes?
Because it's certainly an educational experience!

gottakeeponmovin · 11/12/2020 17:40

She's clearly a complete @&£- and there are other issues with her but ultimately if she has put in 15k and she wants a 500 quid TV I would let it go. I think she is a CF but your son isn't worried so don't let her wind you up (which is probably her aim anyway)

PurpleMustang · 11/12/2020 17:08

Sounds like it was to 'remind him and 'prove a point' that she can ask as she put into it. But agree with the claiming its been put away and don't accept any more as there will be strings.

MyGazeboisLeaking · 11/12/2020 17:07

Ah, OP.

I can completely understand why your blood is boiling.

At least your son gets to see her true colours for himself. Yes, she's built him a good fund, but no grandparent worth their salt would ever then ask for fripperies from it.

Bronzino · 11/12/2020 17:02

The equivalent of buying someone a box of chocs and then standing there waiting for their tax. Deeply unpleasant!

Sssloou · 11/12/2020 16:54

This is just an indirect provocation and manipulation of you. Is your Ds briefed on her ways and does he know how to be assertive and how to keep healthy boundaries?

picklemewalnuts · 11/12/2020 09:07

We've brought up our sons to be both clear sighted and kind with their grandma. We were careful not to bad mouth her in front of them, so they didn't learn to be disrespectful to her as DC's. However we also made no attempt to cover for her. When they received very 'elderly gentleman' style pjs and slippers in the wrong size, clearly bought for my father then repurposed, we said things like 'granny's not great at presents, never mind'. They made up there own minds as they saw what a flaky, self centred person she is. They do kind and helpful duty visits, but she doesn't get under their skin the way she does mine. They can laugh about how awful she is! And she does try with them, to be fair. She's just not very good at it!

berrygirlie · 10/12/2020 23:20

Glad your son seems to be able to see through her to some extent and not get upset by this bad behaviour. Well done you for exhibiting better parenting than she seemingly ever could!

That money is a gift. It even says (according to the terms I've read) that you can't ask for money back once it gets deposited into the account. She's a controlling CF.

Original poster
ElderAngst · 10/12/2020 23:01

I think its a "control" thing and a "power" thing. She's lost control with me since I recently went NC, so this is a new way to try to "get some" back via these demands of my son. I think it just reminded me of all her spiteful manoeuvres over the years; visiting them on my son too just made me feel ill. Luckily my son seems less bothered by her and takes it on the chin, plus we live quite far away yay. But I think she could get pretty nasty with him if she wanted to. Its all so bloody sad though, and I think wtf did we do to deserve this.

Thank you everyone for your contributions. V helpful. Just hearing some sane human voices. And I've calmed down a bit.

My son will buy her the TV. I'll tell him if she asks again to tell her its all tied up in an ISA for his future college fund. I'll also tell him not to accept any money from her ever, even if its a tenner for a train fare to visit her. Job done.

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 10/12/2020 22:32

If he wants to, he could give her the money, tell her the rest is tied up in a house deposit scheme, and walk away with a clear conscience were she ever to play up again. Cheap at half the price.

AmandaHoldensLips · 10/12/2020 22:31

So, to get this straight, your son is clearly a nice young man who is going to spend 500 quid of his money on buying his toxic gran a TV she wants.

Well it sounds to me like you've done a good job as a mum and raised a good lad there!