Help my process what my dad told me?

So sorry you have received this shock, but when the shock has lessened, might you want to know more. Hear his story and try and understand his reasons? When he's no longer here to ask, will you be forever wondering, things you may be able to get answers to now.

Are you older now than he was at the time of the affair?
I found it easier to deal with how my parents acted when I was a kid, once I got to be as old as my Gran was at the time. Thinking about how I'd react if they were a kid of mine was an enlightening perspective.

I think you've had some harsh responses, it's not only how you fell about your DM, but it must also be prompting you to re-evaluate your relationship with him too and question a whole lot of things about what was happening for you at the time, perhaps he didn't lie to you then (though maybe he did) but he didn't tell the truth either, I think that sort of knowledge would de-stabilise any of us. I remember feeling shocked when I found out a friend was having an affair and was leaving his wife and young children, because it completely shifted who I thought he was and our relationship (because all this had been going on but he was presenting something different). Even if you do recognise that people are human and affairs are quite common (my DM had one but my DF told me when I was young so no surprise) you've still got a lot of processing and re-integrating to do.

And if my Dad was still here I don't think I would have been as sage in my response as you were OP. I'd still like to give mine a rollocking! (Not that I'm advising that as your Dad obviously regrets his actions)

@kforcake I am so sorry you are going through a revelation like this. My Mum told me about my Dad's infidelity after he died. Just like you I found it a complete shock. I've always harshly judged some of my friends dads who were womanisers (as I saw some of the pain it caused) and it hurt to find out my Dad's conduct was no better. As with your father it just seemed so unlikely and out of character!

Looking at it from an adult perspective though I think affairs are more prevalent than we realise. My parents were together nearly 50 years with much happiness over that time. I have friends who in the early days of their relationships had flings with other people and I know that they have continued to have fulfilling and happy marriages - they are my friends, I know they are not 'bad' people just people who made a bad decision at one point.

My siblings don't know and in one way I envy them that - in their minds Dad is still our steadfast lovely parent. On the other hand I think this knowledge is helping me grow up & let go. As someone said earlier I'm now looking at it as an adult without my childish rose tinted glasses towards my parents marriage. I wish my Dad hadn't hurt my Mum but it was their marriage not mine & I now know it wasn't perfect. They still lived a long and happy life together. Your parents obviously love each other and you and that is what counts at the end

I understand a bit, op. I found out at 37 that my dad had had an affair when we were young children. It was a bit different as my mum knew and he was planning on leaving.

It took a while to process and explained a lot about my childhood. I think it was harder for my Dsis who has always matched potential partners against our 'perfect' dad.

My grandad didn't return a horse that wandered onto his land (did it wander, I wonder?) in the Depression in 1930s Canada (wheat was costing more to grow than you could sell it for, a horse made a big difference to what you could do on a huge, profitless farm), and was still fretting about it fifty years later, as he reviewed his life. My mother went to her death terrified that the abortions (back street and otherwise, 1940s and 1950s) she'd had would send her to hell.

I had a Near Death Experience (no, not when you 'nearly die'. It's an experience of the afterlife, most usually but not exclusively after you have stopped breathing) which showed me that no matter who you are, no matter what you have done, God loves you and is waiting for you. That's everyone, no exceptions. Not even the ones you'd wish were in hell. Everyone is fully known.

I share this in case anyone is worried. It's ok. The universe has your back.

It was all a long time ago. He hasn't murdered anybody. I understand why you wish you didn't know but just put it down to human failing.

Just because someone is a good dad doesn’t mean they are a good husband.

He’s a great dad to you, but not good as a husband, but that doesn’t mean he loves you any less. It’s your mother than I gave sympathy for if she had to process this.

[quote kforcake]@justanotherneighinparadise . Yes, you're right. I'm glad I said that few folk get to nearly 90 without any regrets. [/quote]
It sounds like you handled it well. And yes, I agree with @justanotherneighinparadise too. So though it's easier said than done I'm sure.

Perhaps he has confided in you now as he wants you to know in advance about the relationship in case a half sibling comes looking for him?

He mightn’t know about a child, or he might suspect or not be 100% either way but a little doubt maybe has him telling you he did have an affair so maybe thats as far as he feels he can go to say ‘you might have a sibling’ without raising your hopes/fears.

I am faintly astonished by the bless him, poor old duck vibe running through some of the responses on this thread.

I'm not surprised that you didn't want to have to process this information about your dad.

You will have a more accurate view of the man he actually was rather than the one you thought he was as a consequence though.

Overtime it will become one of the things that you remember about him but not one of the most important things.

Please remember that he is a human being at the end of the day .Inherently flawed like all of us .Doesnt mean hes not a good Dad does it? Maybe Mum may have had an idea ,but brushed it off.

Oh bless him, how sad it's weighing so heavily on him.......I'd tell him he gave you and your mum a good life and that's the most important thing.

Whilst this is a shock and you will need to process. It is good for him he has unburdened himself and expressed his regret to gain peace. Another way to think of it is that it gives you permission to not be a perfect human and put yourself under pressure like we all do. Knowing that good people can be flawed and make mistakes but are still loved and find ways through.

I would wish he hadn't told me. It would colour my judgement and memories. Change who I believed him to be. What would I do with that? Nothing. It would just be a sadness to carry.

Its not the point that he did not behave in an ideal way, its the fact that OP is facing the stress of 2 elederly failing parents. She had one scenario in her mind and now has to adapt to another. To say she has mixed emotions would be an understatment.

I agree with what Coronawireless has said. I know it must have been difficult to hear. It sounds as though you have a lovely relationship with your dad. He regrets hurting your mum.

I say that kindly as things must be tough for you right now. But you’ll find when they go that a lot of the hard part is done.

Yes, you’re an adult now. Your dad knows that and trusts you as an equal. Be glad and proud you are the sort of person to have reached this type of relationship with him. It will make it easier for him in his last years and easier for you when he dies that you have let go of being the child.

Difficult to hear, sorry. But it is one of his regrets, he wishes he hadn't done it. Does this help you to handle it? He didn't leave your family, you and your dm were still his priority. I think I'd try and focus on that.

People make mistakes. It was a long time ago and it doesn’t change whether he was a good Dad to you.

We all make mistakes.
I'd feel happy he felt able to unburden himself.
Sounds like he's been carrying his cross around a long time.
He's still the dad you knew and loved. He's still 'upright' and 'honest' and his affair doesn't define him.
He made a mistake.