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Elderly parents
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Finding it very hard to be patient with elderly Mum

28 replies

Chicchicchicchiclana · 12/11/2020 12:18

As the title says!

As she gets older, my mother needs me more and more. She lives "independently" but relies on my as her emotional dumping ground, while my older brother is asked for more practical help.

She has been suffering from diagnosed anxiety on and off for the past 20 years (coinciding with me becoming a parent, funnily enough) but has had poor mental health for as long as I can remember including a spell of full-blown alcoholism for a few years, and then occasional problem drinking afterwards that carried on until quite recently.

Because of the alcoholism (which became apparent when I was in my late teens/early 20s) and her depression dating back to when she got divorced from my father (when I was 11 or 12) I am just not close to her. I stopped phoning her for years because I never knew what state she would be in when she answered the phone - she would answer even when totally pissed but deny she had been drinking.

So. We're not close. I know she loves us and I know she loves my children. I love her in my own way, but she has never been a source of happiness or comfort to me - always an out an out worry. She is a drain, unfortunately, which I think I would be able to cope with now that she is very old except that I didn't have 50 or so happy years with her preceding it! For example, since her anxiety diagnosis 20 years ago I don't think I have had one single conversation with her where she hasn't mentioned it. She believes it's "good to talk" no matter how the listener might feel.

She has taken to ringing me a lot more and sharing every single tiny thing that goes wrong, and talking about it as if it's an utter disaster. The saga over her central heating timer went on for weeks. It is fuss, fuss, fuss. I know this is how it goes when people get older and live on their own without many friends of family left to talk to. I know that. But I have been absorbing all her problems for so many years, it's almost like now she legitimately needs me to help her out a bit mentally - all my resources have gone.

Does anyone understand? What can I do? Please help, it's making me feel stressed. I can't relax.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 13/11/2020 12:04

What can you do? Boundaries. Don't always answer the phone - decide how many calls you can cope with and limit it it to a bit less than that. If necessary get a new phone for friends and rest of family, so you can simply switch off the "mum" phone. Limit the length of calls ("Sorry, visitor just arrived, must go") even when you don't need to. It'll be hard, but you yourself recognise she's using up all your resources - if you don't keep yourself well, you won't be able to help her at all.

flygirl767 · 12/11/2020 18:17

Oh and I didn't answer your question..not a lot you can do except maybe switch your phone off at a certain time of the day and take some time out to relax. I listen to the daily calm on the Calm app, it really helps (even though is does usually make me nod off!) Or maybe you could contact a befriending service who could ring her regularly and she can let off steam to them rather than you?

flygirl767 · 12/11/2020 18:13

I totally understand. While my situation is different in some ways to yours, my DM drives me mad with the constant phone calls about the washing machine (she stands and watches it, ringing to tell me that the drum has stopped going round and it must be broken!), the TV is always a problem as she presses the wrong buttons on the remote and her mobile phone are the usual subjects.

She too suffers from anxiety, she is on medication but flatly refuses counselling of any kind. It is draining..don't feel bad. I try not to snap at her but sometimes it really does get to me and I have been a little sharp with her (which I then regret and feel terrible for!)