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Elderly parents
Original poster

Help me cope with elderly mum

36 replies

Imtoooldforallthis · 25/09/2020 10:02

I hope I can explain this. My mum is 80 with dementia, but functions OK to a degree. She only has me, no friends. She lives alone and cooks and cleans for herself OK, manages garden, local shopping etc. She lives in a house that belongs to us but it is her home and has been for many years. I visit her every day and I'm struggling to deal with her, I know I'm a bit short sometimes but somehow can't seem to help it. Things that I struggle with are that she always says she doing stuff for me and wants me to be grateful, like she's cleaned out a cupboard for me or wants me to choose paint colour as it will be for me. She also is very depressing in my company but cheerful with everybody else. It's like she needs my approval for a very thing and it's so tiring. Does anyone else gave the same thing.

OP posts:
saraclara · 25/09/2020 15:33

I'm sorry, but you REALLY need to get an application for Power of Attorney organised. Even the simplest of transactions or bill paying will otherwise be a nightmare when she gets worse. It's far more difficult to apply when she's no longer considered able to understand what she's doing. You don't need to actually use it yet, but applying for it online and getting her to sign it is simple. It just takes a few weeks after application before it becomes legal

I've just got my POA in order and I'm only 64, fit and well! But I saw the havoc and stress resulting from my friend's mum not having it in place when needed. Seriously, you really don't want to have to deal with that. I certainly don't want my kids to, which is why I set mine up while I'm well.

barberousbarbara · 25/09/2020 15:32

I have carers going into my Mom. Initially she didn't need help but it was companionship (I live 2 hours away). They helped her mental well being. As time has progressed they've been able to help her more in her day to day tasks, as her dementia gets worse. The company we use specialise in dementia care and the appointments are 45 minutes to 1 hour.

It's taken the pressure off me. I speak to Mom every day but I don't have to worry about her day to day care. Any problems get flagged to me by the carers, plus I can see her care reports on my phone.

Original poster
Imtoooldforallthis · 25/09/2020 15:31

Befriending schemes not running at moment due to covid and I don't think that's going to change anytime soon. If we go away we only go maximum 5 days, rely on her grandchildren to keep an eye. She's also not good on phone due to lung disease so struggles to chat to distant relations.

OP posts:
IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 25/09/2020 15:29

Yes, yes, a 100x yes! In fact I was coming to this section to have a rant myself!

I hyave had a very similar conversation with my mum this morning and I came away wanting to cry!

I have no answers, no advice, just buckets of sympathy and like everyone else a shoulder to cry or an ear to scream into. Like you I get so short with her. Yet when she has visitors she is so bright and funny.

My mum is nearly 84 and disabled with arthritis and I can see her cognitive facilities fading and get so stressed.

thesandwich · 25/09/2020 15:28

Power of attorney covers heath as well. Becomes v complex if it is not in place. Have a chat to age uk.

thesandwich · 25/09/2020 15:27

All the more reason to get her some kind of non- you company.
Can be on the basis of befriending/ companionship.
Age uk sometimes offer this or some care companies.
Her needs will increase- you sound at the end of your tether. What happens if you go away?

Original poster
Imtoooldforallthis · 25/09/2020 15:26

Oh and as regards power of attorney, no she doesn't want to, I could push her to do it, but part of me thinks it's OK as it won't be my responsability , which makes me sound awful. She has very little money so that is not an issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imtoooldforallthis · 25/09/2020 15:23

No no one else only me, she gave us some money in leiu of rent years ago so it is definately her home. I don't want to get her any help yet as she copes OK and it's the only thing that she has to do. I need to see her every day as she doesn't really see anyone else apart from an odd neighbour when gardening, but less so in winter. She is very teary with me and obviously depressed but cannot take any Ads because of dementia. I find it hard to make conversation sometimes as whatever I say just seems to emphasise what she can't do. Also as she has nothing else to think about everything becomes a big issue.

OP posts:
thesandwich · 25/09/2020 15:12

This sounds tough and will get harder. You need a break!
Could you start getting help in such as a cleaner/ gardener and then take days off? Introduce some company/ care so she doesn’t always rely on you. Dm is the same- tells me how awful she feels but is bright and cheerful to everyone else......
Also, do you have power of attorney? While she still has capacity?
Vent away on here- we get it!!

miimblemomble · 25/09/2020 15:11

Hello OP

Do you think it’s because you own the house (if I’ve understood correctly) that she’s checking these things with you?

I think a lot of people put on a brave / polite face for others, and dont for family.

Maybe you need a break from daily visits... do you have any siblings or anyone else that can share this?

Original poster
Imtoooldforallthis · 25/09/2020 10:39

Anyone?

OP posts:
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