Help me cope with elderly mum

But I can imagine that some people will refuse to countenance it, much as some people refuse to make a will.

saraclara of course.
It's only that children of elderly parents are sometimes advised to "get POA" as if the children are the ones to apply. It can't be done without the agreement of the person it pertains to.

My friend's DF and DM wouldnt do POA, which caused my friend no end of problems

Sorry, not after her parental loss as such. But when her parent lost her faculties.

Coincidentally the final documents came through for my own POA today. I'm 'only' 64, but I feel a LOT better knowing that it's all set up, and that my daughters won't have to go through the horrible and time consuming problems that my friend did after her parental loss. I hope it won't be needed for a very long time. But it's good to know that it's ready to go.

Can I just say that technically it is the person themselves who sets up the POA. You can't set one up yourself if they don't want to make one.

Just to echo and agree with the lots of good advice on here.
Definitely get POA. Really hard get once she isn't capable and that's when you need it most.
Get social services in, they are the gateway to other useful services that may have little or no cost but help keep your Mum safe and independent as long as possible.
YY to a chatty cleaner! Even if just once a week and to do the jobs that are hard to reach etc.

If you are in UK all the info about POA is on www.gov.uk

Re POAs. Setting up a POA is not the same as activating it, this only happens if it becomes necessary.

It's recommended that everyone sets them up, there have been cases where one partner was eg in a coma and the other had a dreadful time accessing funds.

My relative has a weekly local cleaner
I was clear at the beginning, that the work was to be 40% cleaning & 60% chat
It has worked out well. The cleaner has other elderly clients, so they understood what was required

Also, have a look at claiming for Attendance Allowance. It isn't means tested, and it should cover things like carer visits.

You really really need to cut down on your visits. What are they achieving being done daily? Your DM gets tearful and you get stressed. Cut back to alternate days and see if that improves things. At the very least it will halve the effort.

I also agree that the Dementia/ADs thing is a red herring. Perhaps book a call to her GP to ask for her meds to be reviewed?

I say this as someone who has walking in your shoes - this may go on for years yet. My DM is 93 next month, so it doesn't get easier with time. I wish I had done more to outsource the 'me' stuff ten years ago.

Could she apply for attendance allowance?

Contact your local social services and ask for an assessment of needs. If she has limited funds they can fund a care visit - might just be maksure she’s ok, but takes the pressure off a bit. They can signpost to other local support services such as a dementia hub with social facilities.
LPA must and can only be given when someone has capacity to do so. You don’t have to act if it feels too much. Without it, you should still be consulted about decisions but you won’t make them.

It does make life easier around finances if you have it. It does give you control over healthcare decisions if you have it.

My dad has a companion carer through Crossroads...I'm not sure how widespread their services are.

He stopped coming while we were in gardcire lockdown but has been back for a while now and is brilliant.

Might be worth seeing if the operate in your area.

Hi , yes, meant to add we had good experiences with agencies providing people who were very flexible

For visits we used
https://www.homeinstead.co.uk and then, when live in companions were required
https://www.country-cousins.co.uk

Certainly not cheap, but great value for what we needed. We paid a fee to the agency and the the people directly, so we knew what the people were being paid.

Age uk are doing phone befrienders transitioning back to in person. You canalso hire carers as ‘companions’- or to go for a walk etc. Lots of agencies. It does help. I couldn’t possibly visit mine every day and I’m not surprised you’re feeling down!

@Imtoooldforallthis
I don’t know where you are but here in Scotland the befrienders are still
working.

My MIL is now at the advanced stage of her dementia. She's been on AD ever since it properly took hold.

2 things:

Get the POA organised as soon as possible. Due to COVID delays they are currently taking months to process so the sooner you do it the better. Also you can only do it while she has capacity to agree - if you leave it, she may be too poorly to do it in which case you have missed the opportunity.

Secondly - people with dementia absolutely can have treatment for depression such as antidepressants. Is she having a medication for her dementia? She needs to have a proper assessment of her mood.

OP why do you think your DM can't take antidepressants? People with dementia can absolutely be prescribed them.

Good point mere. I found it easier to deal with DM treating her, as DSis suggested, as a toddler. No point upsetting her, gentle distraction all the way.

Horrible, isn't it

In terms of conversation - it is hard. One likes conversati0ons to have some root in reality! But the kindest thing for her is not to disrupt her world view - you won't "correct" her view, only distress her until she's worked out a new world view to take everything into account. So when she's cleaned out a cupboard for you, thank her, and tell her what a good job she's done. Choose a paint colour, just make sure it's one you think she will like. It's difficult to treat a parent like a toddler, but it will make things easier for her.

Oceans of sympathy for you OP, our DM was exactly like that. Laid all of her cares and anxieties on my DSis and was bright and cheerful with everyone else

Echo what everyone else says about POA especially for health and welfare. You can fill in the forms on line so it just needs a couple of signatures (once you find someone to certify capacity. A friend or neighbour who has known your mother for some time is all it takes, they really don't need to know them well.

Also about drafting in support from 'anyone but you ' sooner rather than later if you possibly can. There are lots of local befriending services around. Even just an hour a week would give her some contact (and something to complain about). I also recognise how in these declining years help tends only to be accepted in response to some event, such as a fall but if you can get started in introducing 'outside' people if really might help you.

If you find it just increases the load on you , then that's not the right person. Good luck with it all. Do come here to vent anytime you like. I had such help from this board, it would be a pleasure to 'pay it forward' in however small a way.