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Elderly parents
Original poster

Does your elderly mother worry this much

33 replies

Sarahpaula · 14/09/2020 13:32

I am 36. My mother is 72. She always seems to imagine the worst case scenarios for me in everyrhing I do. She wants me to tell her where I am. She seems to imagine me killed or missing every week. I am at the moment travelling around Mexico and working remotely, But I am 36! She wanted daily contact, I managed to get it down to once a week, but she is always panicking and stressing. I once sent her a text saying i wouldn't be in touch for a couple of weeks and she told me that she thought that some one had kidnapped me and sent her that text.

How do you deal with an elderly, worrying mother. It is exhausting. I don't know if it is genuine worry, or if she uses worry as an excuse for attention and to know what I am up to. she doesn't have much going on in her life, she is divorced and lives alone
.

How did you deal with an elderly worrying clingy mother?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sarahpaula · 14/09/2020 14:48

i know that she will now probably get my brother to ring me, and be nasty to me about not contacting her, but I am going to stand firm. and put myself first.

I send a hug to anyone who has to get away from their mother, it is hard, my mother has caused me so much mental pain and anguisn

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Original poster
Sarahpaula · 14/09/2020 14:46

thanks Knotakitter. I just think that level of worry is not normal, maybe her mother and mine are mentally ill? Either way, I cannot stand being around my mother. Even receiving a text off her makes me feel bad for hours. As It reminds me of how cruel she was to me.

I have just put my foot down with her. I have told her that I will only message her once ever two weeks, and I am going to stick to it. I already feel so much freer, happier and better.

It is hard to stand up to our mothers, but we have to put our own mental health, sanity and happiness first.

OP posts:
Knotaknitter · 14/09/2020 14:35

I think you may do better with this if you ask on the relationships board. This is less to do with your mother's age and more to do with your relationship.

Catastropizing is a real thing, it's tied up with anxiety. I have a friend who at 50 was supposed to check in with her mother when she got to work every day just in case she'd had an accident on the way in. Their need to know you are safe/where you are/who you are with may not be an attempt to control you but an attempt to manage their anxiety about your safety. When you are on the receiving end it doesn't matter what the reasons are for it, it's intrusive and annoying.

Original poster
Sarahpaula · 14/09/2020 13:56

Yes I feel it is more about control and attention.

If I don't contact her, she will say she is so worried about me, and she will get my brother to ring me.

Reading my own posts back, what I actually want to do is cut off all contact with her. She was cruel and nasty to me so many times as a child. But is just seems 'wrong' to cut off your mother.

Has anyone been brave enough to do it?

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 14/09/2020 13:52

Sending a quick message is fine, but you imply it's more about control and attention. Which is not fine

Original poster
Sarahpaula · 14/09/2020 13:51

@FelicityFisher

No, having read through the forum, I am like many women on this forum.

I do not like my mother at all. She is cold, cruel and nasty. If she wasn't my mother I would have nothing to do with her. Any time she messages me she makes me feel terrible. My brother barely talks to her. Yet I feel the terrible guilt that I should stay in contact with her - she is my mother. I just wish I could be free of her.

I wish I could be more selfish like a man - my brother barely talks to her and never feels bad about it. I always feel terribly guilty and give in. I just feel like I cannot be free of her. She is some one I do not like at all- yet guilt keeps me chained to her

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FelicityFisher · 14/09/2020 13:46

I'd say that if your mum was nice to you and this came from a place of love then yep, a message once a day would be just fine to stop her worrying if you could manage that.

It's all about your relationship isn't it? I had a fantastic relationship with my mum and we would whatsapp every day and usually talk quite a few times a week. So, for me, messaging my mum wasn't a chore (err not often!!) and something I did because we'd always have a laugh and it kept her from worrying

So it's about your relationship overall really. If she's an awful person then you're going to feel differently about this. If you love her and want her not to worry then just drop her a line as often as you're able to

Original poster
Sarahpaula · 14/09/2020 13:34

I can also add that my mothet is generally not nice to me when I see her, but I feel guilty, and I stay in contact with her.

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