Does your elderly mother worry this much

Not my mum but my dad. I just found myself unavailable and busy a lot so couldn't reply to messages or if I did it took so long to do so. Just sorry, busy can't come round. Still did a few visits a year his birthday my birthday around Christmas & Father's Day but not much more than that. It clearly drove him nuts but I was consistent with it.

If she wouldn't take that the way you'd want it to just stop it altogether. It's your life & time is too precious op. Xx

I just think that level of worry is not normal I probably worry that much about my DC. So I think the worrying is normal, it's how she deals with it that is not normal. You're 36 - she's had another 36 years of experience on top of the 36 years that you have had. At that age, you look back to 36 and realise how little you knew then (despite your confidence) compared with what you know now. So of course you're going to worry. But you have to accept that they're grown-up now, and have to sort their own messes, and find your own way of coping with your worries.

You may find the Out of The Fog forum helpful.

outofthefog.website/

In my experience it helps to have stock phrases such as
"Mum's being ridiculous and you know it, I'll ring her once a week like I said, just don't answer the phone if she's bugging you"
and
"I love you but you're being ridiculous"
(Or just, frankly, "You know this is ridiculous, I have to go now...talk next week" as it sounds as if the first bit might stick in your throat!).

And YY to the #whatWouldaReasonableBlokeDo as that often provides, at least, a different perspective. When my rellies wound me up I would channel some sort of amiable middle-manager type with an unfathomable love for say F1, and think, "What Would Steve Do?" as a guide to inching away from the F.O.G while remaining a vaguely decent human being. e.g. #Steve just gives all the nephews money, is blithely deaf to stuff he doesn't fancy,
and cares very little about whether his in-laws like their Xmas presents if they didn't provide any hints :D

So with low contact, I still have to handle her worrying

No, she has to handle her worrying. You need to handle disengaging.

You need to draw your boundaries and stick to them. Ask your brother for support and tell him not to call. Tell your mother when you will next text, then (reliably, regularly, specifically) text her at those times. Tell her you probably will not send follow up texts - and don’t.

At the beginning I would make the texts fairly regular (like every two days around lunchtime) and then start saying ‘not Tuesday I am busy, I’ll text on Wednesday’ and start adding days on. I think a week is quite long at the begining and you need to work up to that.

She is abusive, it would seem

Some people never let themselves realise that, you’re doing well

Can you just update your Facebook or whatever (If you are into that kind of thing) and your brother can see from that you are still alive and provide the mandatory update to your mother (whom I’m presuming isnt on Facebook - incidentally neither am I so apologies if I am being stupid, just trying to think of a potential solution to stop her worrying and not cause you hassle)

A friend of mine experienced this years ago. When he bought a motorbike, his mother wanted him to ring her every evening to say he had arrived home safely. He just said no.

You might like to look into the Cockroach Cafe on the elderly parents topic. One of the recurring themes there is managing relationships with elderly parents who are (and often always have been) difficult and make unreasonable demands.

This is the grey rock method. It's useful if you don't feel able to cut contact altogether. I'd prefer to cut contact but don't feel able to so do this. I actually had worked out to do it for the sake of my sanity before i knew it had a name.
www.healthline.com/health/grey-rock

Then drop her a quick line each day, if you're able, to reassure her then? It's that simple

All the other stuff - the other poster is correct. You'll get better responses in relationships because at the heart of this is not a lighthearted whinge about a parent who would like more contact from you

I think what people are suggesting is that you may get responses here that focus on whether your mother has any age-related illness, or needs any support or assessment.

Whereas it appears from your description, that this is a relationship issue with your mother that isn't really about her age, it's about control? Unless you're saying that this is a very recent development, in which case it might be an idea to get her seen by her GP in case she has a UTI or another illness needing treatment, and the excess worrying could be a symptom.

Definitely look into f o g.
Ask for this to be moved to relationships or start a new thread where you explain your childhood. There's been great advice on here from similar situations.
Is your brother also abusive, can you ask him not to ring to check on you.

What did my friend do? She told her mother that she wouldn't be checking in every morning from the work car park. She assured her mother that in the event of her not turning up at work due to the dead in the ditch scenario then her manager would call her mother and they'd take it from there. I have no idea whether she actually told her manager anything at all about this and I doubt it because who would say that their mother kept tabs on them like that?

So this isn't about a mum worrying about you is it? It's about the fact you don't like her and she treats you badly and you want to go no contact with her

So I'd start a thread based on that because I basically answered the question based on your opening post and don't have experience of WW tong to cut contact with a parent

Have a look at Fear Obligation and Guilt .
My dm is the same, wants to know where everyone is. It’s about control.
Live your life

My aunt has contacted me a few times to ask me to meet up with my mum once a week as she gets depressed. If she does again i will explain that i would find it too stressful due to how she treated me as a child and that my mental health is important too

Missed your later posts before. I recognise the feeling of stress when she contacts you due to past history. I grey rock my mum. I see her from time to time, but it's in my control now and i won't be drawn into constant phone calls. My dad arranges things by email. It's quite possible my mum will outlive me as i take after my grandma who lived til 60 whereas she is very fit and healthy at 77 and looks to be taking after her siblings/father/grandmother who lived til 90. She gave me a very unhappy childhood but i simply refuse to let her wreck my entire life

My best friend’s mum does this. Imo she just enjoys toying with her and stressing her out. Literally for fun. It’s that simple.

There’s nothing morally wrong with cutting a parent out of your life

My mum has always made dramas out of nothing since we were kids. It was exhausting but i don't engage any more. Agree it's about your relationship. My mum used me as an emotional crutch when i was very young and then moved onto bullying me when i got fed up with it. So i feel no sense of duty to her. Plus she has my dad whereas I'm a widow