Going NC with DM who has signs of dementia?

I am in this position with my mum (not the rudeness, though) and she got worse after DF died and then got admitted to hospital for emergency surgery which accelerated the problem.

To be honest, I would give up trying to persuade her to go the the GP and just make the appointment and take her there. We did this with our mum and she was relieved that we did. I would imagine your mum is secretly concerned about herself and in denial. The rudeness could be part of the condition or down to stress.

We ended up being referred to the memory clinic and she came out with the diagnosis of Mild Cognitive Decline. We are keeping our eye out for it getting worse.

Sometimes having a sibling is helpful There is one other to share the burden and to have a rant with but also, it gets complicated if we don't agree about where we are going with this. My sister can be overly anxious at times and I spend a lot of time trying to calm her down and filter out what is and isn't a problem which is stressful in itself. I can be overly laid back and optimistic at times and that probably makes things worse, too.

OP with a DF who has Huntington’s and your DM with very obvious dementia traits no wonder you are wrung out. Trying to manage them plus navigate your own family life must be so energy sapping.
You sound like you definitely need a break from their demands and day to day.
In your shoes I’d be asking DP to phone the social work adult care team , twice a day if necessary, and telling them you are beyond the stage of assisting your parents for the next few weeks as you are mentally and physically exhausted/ burnt out.
He needs to be very insistent

I don’t think she actually cares about me at all. I think I deserve an apology, but I doubt I will get one. What a terrible way to treat your only child. This is the illness. It's not your mother. You need to step away from this person, but it's no longer your mother. Your mother is no longer in that body.

When people tell you to be tolerant of the behaviour of someone with dementia, it's not just them that they're protecting. They're also saying this is the illness that is talking. There is no real-life meaning to what they're saying. People are trying to give you the defences to protect you from being hurt by the words that the damaged brain has caused to be uttered.

You could talk to siblings (hers) and see if they’re willing to split the cost of a periodic carer who would go in and do the day to day checking on her. Making sure she has food, has eaten, house is clean, etc. They could then bring you any paperwork that your DM can’t do.

You are doing full time care of her all by yourself. I agree it’s too much when you have DCs that also need you.

Oh op I have read your update and feel your pain. I am currently low contact with my mum, I swing between feeling guilty and feeling free. Please look after yourself and your lovely family and hope things improve.

I think you have no choice but to step away ☹️

Just cos it's not her fault, doesn't mean it's not happening - you're being abused, OP.

She's not an adorable old lady getting muddled - she's a risk to your welfare. It can only get worse if you don't change things; it will probably get worse anyway.

Tragic for you both, but better to do what you can.

I would follow your relation's advice to the letter. When and if SS get involved, tell them she's an abuser and you can't be involved in her care. This is about the only thing that works with SS, by the way - that or hitting the grandchildren.

Your goal should be to maintain civilised contact, but have no daily chores. Twenty years is a long time to manage this relationship, so start as you mean to go on.

if social services do get involved that if you give an inch they take a mile
tsmain, do you mean that if you let them step in they take over completely?

Sorry just re read , you are familiar with social services !

I had unofficial responsibility for an elderly relative , she was not rude or abusive but was stubborn and not keen to accept much needed help , i made sure she had food , gradually took on the collection and safe keeping of her pension , sorted any bills i could find laying around .
It was not ideal as she needed so much more help than what she would accept from me , she had early dementia too.
Sadly it was a crisis that occurred , she had a fall , before she finally received what was needed.
I think you should back off for your own sanity , do the bare essentials until the time comes when she has no choice but to accept care etc.
I certainly would not stay in her company if she were rude to me but equally i don't think i could go nc.
Really hard for you and i hope things sort out , be aware if social services do get involved that if you give an inch they take a mile.

Pity you dont live far away:(
that makes it easier to distance yourself

can ypu step back and let social services take over?

It sounds as though you could get Attendance Allowance for her. Phone got a form and put down every little detail on it. You don't need a diagnosis and it is not means tested. (I didn't know about this for years, officials don't seem to tell you)

Sinister Everyone’s dementia is different but there are common themes which are often cited by families before a diagnosis is sought. Believing money is stolen is probably the anxiety that crops up most . Possessions being moved / taken Is also high. Increased sexualisation is another.
My DM got locks changed as she believed we were driving 50 miles to hers, hiding in the bushes, and taking things when she was at the shops.

I'm so sorry OP, this sounds so stressful ☹️

You are dealing with a very difficult situation. Please contact adult social services. There may be a time when she needs to go intone home and they will help. Best to have her on their radar as soon as you can.

@SinisterBumFacedCat take a deep breath. Be kind to yourself, you are doing the best you can in a horribly difficult situation. Tomorrow is a new day and chances are she won't remember. I say this having had a parent with Alzheimer's and try as I might, I lost my patience while on phone several times too.

@SinisterBumFacedCat you're not doing it all wrong, it's an extremely difficult thing to deal with and you're only human.

I've just read all your posts and I really empathise with you. I'm in a very similar situation, I'm an only child, mum is in a definite cognitive decline which is also bringing out the worst elements of her personality. On a good day she's like a little girl who needs lots of praise (she often calls me mum) and on a bad day is a spiteful angry teenager verbally lashing out at me. It's also bringing memories of my childhood, which like yours, had elements that were not particularly great (lots of emotional liability from her & guilt tripping) but I always worked hard to maintain a good relationship with her and understood where her behaviour came from as she had a difficult childhood herself.

Be kind to yourself and remember she'll probably have forgotten you hung up by tomorrow. I had a similar incident with my mum a few weeks ago (after visiting her daily for one issue or another, some which were non existent when I got there & she had no concept that these may have caused me problems with work and other commitments nor concern when I explained this) which ended up in an argument where she was extremely unpleasant. I walked out and she had no memory of this two days later and denied it had happened! Whereas I was still very upset about it.

It's very difficult when they are in that place, where they are just about coping, so the statutory services won't be interested plus, if she's anything like, mum, they are very very good at masking how they really are to others. She is also, to be fair just about coping at home for now but only with a lot of help from me.

As others have said, try to set boundaries. We've a caravan so have booked a lot of breaks (starting from next week) now that lockdown is less stringent. I think mum has forgotten we have it! She was a bit shocked by this but it has mean she's reinstated her cleaner and gardener which stopped during lock down and she got used to me doing it all etc. We've sorted out food deliveries and she has got a good social network but seems to very different with them - masking again. Is there anything you can say or an excuse to be less available?

You’re not doing it wrong. You’re trying to deal with someone who has probably lost all sense of reality. Please try to get yourself some support. It’s horrible, I’m so sorry. But you can get through this