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Elderly parents
Original poster

Does anyone else feel you have to hide what's going on in your life because of parent's anxiety makes it worse?

37 replies

TabbyStar · 22/08/2020 13:28

My DM who I'm the only carer for since CV is incredibly anxious, she always has been, and massively over-analyses everything. If I tell her something is going badly she will (a) keep contacting me and asking me about it; (b) over-react and assume that it's going to mean disaster (every time my brother has problems at work she thinks he's going to lose his house!); and (c) ask me whether I made the wrong decision / made a mistake / should have done something else.

I've tried to gently discuss it with her on various occasions (and also quite bluntly said once "I don't tell you because you're so anxious" but she denies this).

Some days (today) I feel I really don't have it in me to put on a bright face and be cheerful, but neither can I tell her about the things I have going on without making things more stressful for myself. I see her / speak to her most days.

Does anyone recognise this situation, and what do you do? I don't have a DP so whilst I have a bit of support from friends, it's not realty the level of emotional support I sometimes feel would help me cope better with this.

OP posts:
Original poster
TabbyStar · 22/08/2020 16:22

It's sad, and I miss the genuine support I used to get from talking things through with them, but I suppose it is now my turn to absorb their concerns and support them. I can feel myself eing relentlessly positive and cheery. I would probably find myself quite irritating!

I think this is one of the difficult things, it does change your relationship with them. When my DF was dying one of the things he said was how I was always smiling, which was nice, and okay for six weeks but it's difficult day in and day out.

OP posts:
Original poster
TabbyStar · 22/08/2020 16:19

There's a different set of things we keep from my MIL. It's so hard to keep track of who knows what!

I'm sorry but this did make me smile, that's the thing, not only do you have to cope with whatever the crisis/situation is, there's a whole load of new mental work you have to do!

I'm sure my DM would be mortified if she knew she was making things more difficult for me, but doesn't quite get why her behaviour isn't helpful.

OP posts:
Kaiserin · 22/08/2020 16:18

Definitely. My parents are as nosy as ever, but I've long stopped sharing uncomfortable news with them (put it that way, me and DH might have had covid back in March, and we made sure they never knew)

They would be unable to help, and having to handle their fears on top of the initial problem would make it worse (also any advice they may have to offer would be shit, and we would end up arguing...)

Original poster
TabbyStar · 22/08/2020 16:15

My parents don't know I have MH diagnoses of depression & anxiety and take ADs. It's just now worth the hassle.

Thanks Yeah I have a physical health condition that could potentially be life threatening that I haven't told her about, though it may never affect me, so I have to lie about where I am if I have hospital appointments. My DB though tells her things, so I get her anxiety about him!

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WhatHaveIFound · 22/08/2020 16:14

I have a whole load of things I haven't told my mum because i don't want her to worry about me & my family when she has my dad to look after.

It's hard because I have to make lots of excuses, especially recently when my DD's mental health was bad.

There's a different set of things we keep from my MIL. It's so hard to keep track of who knows what!

Original poster
TabbyStar · 22/08/2020 16:13

It's nice to know people understand even though I'm sorry you experience it.

I hope I don't get like this! My DM is very capable in many ways, and this is just an extension of her general personality, I think as a result of the stress and anxiety of growing up somewhere that was badly bombed during the war and being passed around a lot she tries to manage her anxiety by trying to control everything.

I have to watch this tendency in myself, but occasionally it comes to a head, this time because of the terminal illness of DCat, which is upsetting but has also taken up a lot of time the last couple of days. I did tell DM that DCat had gone to the vet, but at that point we'd been told it was just an infection. DM is quite fond of the cat, and I will tell her, but not until it's clearer what the prognosis is. But I just massively hate lying (not exactly a lie that we're waiting for more test results but not the whole truth though I did lie on Thurs and said I'd got caught up in a work crisis) and also putting on a cheery face when I feel like getting into bed and crying. It's so exhausting and relentless. I'm not sure there is an answer other than just putting on the cheery face but some days I just think "what about me?"

Reminds me the other day I got soaked walking over to her house, it didn't really bother me, but with all the fussing when torrential rain started as I reached the end of her drive when I left I decided the better option was to just carry on and get drenched rather than stand in her dry porch and have the fussing again!

OP posts:
Scarby9 · 22/08/2020 16:06

With increasing age has come increasing anxiety over anything and anyone, and I don't want to add to that in any way.

So I no longer tell them about quite a few aspects of my life... which cuts the amount of topics we have to talk about, and means we rehash the same trivial conversations over and over again

It's sad, and I miss the genuine support I used to get from talking things through with them, but I suppose it is now my turn to absorb their concerns and support them. I can feel myself eing relentlessly positive and cheery. I would probably find myself quite irritating!

iklboo · 22/08/2020 16:00

NOT worth the hassle.

iklboo · 22/08/2020 16:00

My parents don't know I have MH diagnoses of depression & anxiety and take ADs. It's just now worth the hassle.

Elieza · 22/08/2020 15:55

Yup. I try and keep most of my problems to myself.

If I have a minor headache she’ll be on the phone for the next two days checking up on me. While that’s really loving and thoughtful the headache was away within 20mins with paracetamol so her over reaction was unwarranted.

You know the kind of thing.

So now I try and keep the most of my issues to myself or tell only half the story to avoid a major worry arising and her being up half the night thinking and worrying about me.

I think you get less capable of handling multiple stressors when you get old. One thing at a time seems to be the limit.

If the car needs serviced and work done I’ll tell her after if I can. Otherwise she’ll worry about repairs that may crop up. No need for that do I try and protect her from herself.

gower4 · 22/08/2020 15:48

I totally understand. I wish I had parents I could turn to. As it is, they're very demanding but incapable of dealing with anything life throws up. I have a lot on my mind ( upcoming medical appointment, work issues) but would never tell them.

Knotaknitter · 22/08/2020 15:38

My mother would be up all night thinking of solutions for my problems even though I am an adult and capable of sorting things out for myself. I had the car serviced this week, not an issue as I drop it off and walk home. I had three phone calls from her offering help with getting home that I didn't need or ask for.

I don't tell her anything until afterwards unless I have to because otherwise she jumps straight to an imaginary catastrophe and I have to deal with the problem as well as dealing with her dealing with the problem.

"Catastrophizing" is the search term you want here.

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