Does anyone else feel you have to hide what's going on in your life because of parent's anxiety makes it worse?

I can relate to so much of this. My Mum, now 92 and in a home, has been like this for the last few years. As you say, it is so difficult to have a bright and cheery conversation when you are feeling like crap, and of course the current pandemic has only made things worse.

There are lots of things I have hidden from her, but one of our family members tried to hide the fact that he had been diagnosed with cancer, going so far as to concoct a tale about a long holiday to account for that fact that he could not visit her while he was having his treatment. In the end it became too difficult and he came clean with her. I think she was more upset by the fact that everyone knew except her than she would have been by knowing the truth from the start. (Happy to report the relative in question has since been given the all clear.)

Taddy it’s quite possible you have started the grieving process for the loss of your mum now, that’s why you feel it so acutely.

Crafty With hindsight I find its easy to piece it together 15 years hence... Specifically for my DM it was anxiety associated with dementia which first became noticeable in her mid 70s. But at the time it was really sad all round. When you are caught up in the moment it’s impossible not to be affected in some way and brush it off. I guess we are both able to flag this to you to others starting out who may be experiencing similar.

Rinsefirst that’s sad but I can relate! My late DM would fret and constantly refer to anything I expressed as a concern - it took me a long time to realise all the concern was about her. She was literally inconsolable due to my being later home than planned one evening, but what was very telling is that the fact I was fine cut no ice and she wasn’t interested in what had held me up; she just sat sobbing. She really didn’t have room for my real worries and our conversations were only to do with her towards the end. I just accepted she didn’t know me and that I could accept the relationship as it was or not - I chose to get on with it but it was sad.

Hi Tabby yes the guilt is the worst thing, but I think we would feel guilty no matter what. I hope things improve for you and your mum, hopefully when things get back to normal everything will be easier at least . Try not to worry too much ,you sound as if you’d being a fab daughter, be kind to yourself and have the odd day off now and again your mum will get used to it.

OP you are going through stage one.
In a few years you will reach stage two which is where when you call or visit your parent they don’t ask about you at all. They sadly can’t get past their own issues and so you don’t have to hold back as you get no opportunity to disclose. In our circumstances stage 3 was when you stop the frequency of calling your parent as your phone call interrupts them and upsets them if you question. From stage 1 to stage 3 was about ten years.

Hi Tabby. It’s difficult isn’t it, does she have friends or neighbours that could pop in ? Or would she consider going to a community centre coffee morning etc, my mum can’t as she not dressed until lunchtime then her afternoon bp tablet sends her back to sleep until tea time , but she still says she’s lonely ☹️. I tell myself I have to be fair to everyone my job, my grandchildren and my husband there’s only so many hours in a day.

Tabby I see where your coming from re the carers. Your not going to change her now i learned that a long time ago with my mum, trying to help her with things only made her angry as she wanted to do everything herself , eventually she gave in, and we now have a joint bank account and I pay all her bills for her, much easier, How old is your mum would she let you do this for her ?. I don’t advise anymore about her life,unless she asks , she’s a very strong women although she makes some awful choices sometimes I just smile and say okay mum, because at the end of the day I can’t lock her in and feed her every meal, or be there 24/7 I phone everyday and visit twice a week. Could you cut down very slowly, she would get used to it eventually .

Yes I completely recognise this pattern. My mum is 89. I live in a different state (in Australia) and due to COVID border closures have not been be able to visit her since March. This is so hard for us both and we speak every day. But I have realised that for years she has only seen a highly curated version of my life, where everything is great with me, dh and DC. This is a direct response to her anxiety. If she thinks anything is wrong with me or my sisters or extended family she will tell us all that she has stayed up all night worrying. It's hard work. Sometimes I hang up after a call and burst into tears.

Tabby Your mum sounds like my father. He'd spend so long researching savings accounts that by the time he'd made a decision they were no longer accepting new savings into those accounts. That's when I took over managing his savings under PoA, and I did it on the strict understanding that I was not going to talk over any of the detailed decisions.

He became paranoid that his wardrobe was going to fall over on him - the nursing home sorted that by tethering it to the wall with a steel cable. They are extremely good at putting in measures to solve non-existent problems - I guess they've had a lot of practice.

It does seem that the best solution is not to try and convince them that what they're worrying about won't happen, but rather to accept it could happen and put in some measure to stop it happening.

I recognise this from my late Mother: c) ask me whether I made the wrong decision / made a mistake / should have done something else.

Something bad happens = what have I done
Someone behaves awfully = what did I do to cause it

It took me decades to realise this is an anxious negative thinking pattern that should be avoided. She was a lovely person but the above used to give me silent internal rage. I try hard to be far more stuff happens, move on.

It's agonising when your adult children run into problems. You still have the same love and care for them as you did as children, but you can't solve their problems for them as you did then. You either have to keep quiet or offer any help you can. And standing by and doing nothing when something bad is happening to your child is so difficult to do.

I don't tell my father about problems - he doesn't have a lot to do and will put immense thought into solving the problem, using resources available in the 60s and completely ignoring anything invented after 1980, and his poor grasp of time means he is still offering solutions long after the problem has been solve.

But equally I have a friend who I don't tell my problems to - she wears her emotions on her sleeve, and is upset by others' distress as if it were her own. Sometimes I can't cope with all that at the same time as my own problems.

And I notice a friend whose husband was diagnosed with cancer about a month ago has only just told the rest of our friendship group - sympathy can sometimes prove too much.

So I don't think the not telling is confined to elderly DPs. It may be elderly DPs have a lower threshold of what constitutes a big problem. Inevitable if your autonomy is being steadily removed that smaller problems will start to loom larger.

My mother has always been like this. When my siblings and I chat, we always say, don’t tell mum.

Now she has reached her 70s she is even worse and worries about the smallest things. It has become quite debilitating for her.

Yes of course I've shielded my parents from difficult things in my life as much as possible as I don't want them to worry. My Mum in particular would have had sleepless nights worrying. It was very hard when I split up with my husband so I didn't call or visit them when I was in distress. But I have never really relied on my parents for advice or support since turning 18. I've relied on myself or my friends not family. So it's not been a problem.

Hi Tabby. Now the COVID figures are reducing could you have the carers back in again, I’ve just been awarded an hour a day for my mum and they wear their masks at all time, mum isn’t too bothered by the COVID though which is surprising really as she’s anxious about everything else !
The only problem I’ve got now is she’s refusing to pay for the carers because according to her they don’t do anything and she’s going to be better soon and won’t need them 🙈 Which would be great but can’t see it myself .

This could have been written about my Mum however she makes up issues where there is none eg we have a 180lt tropical fish tank and her concern is it bursts leaking out all the water, the water heater will continue to work which will lead to it overheating causing a massive fire and the house will burn down with us in it. It's exhausting

Oh yes that’s me and my mum. She’s 89 now and I’ve not told her anything in over 20 year. How she thinks my whole family have not had any problems or illnesses in all that time is amazing ! She can’t cope, and we would all suffer by her constant ringing and questioning so it’s just easier for us this way, quite sad really as I’m an only one but I have a fab husband and friends so manage well .
You will get used to it eventually,I must be a good actress.

I've learnt not to discuss anything of concern with my mother as she becomes so overly anxious and then turns it into her problem and how upset it's making her feel.

My youngest child is severely disabled and also has mental health issues. Life has been extremely difficult for him and our family over the past few years. I'd love to have a parent to share my worries with. Unfortunately I've learnt that telling my mum about our lives will just add another problem on my shoulders.

In addition she has a way of twisting any information and using it as ammunition against me. Best to keep to mundane chit chat about the weather, tv programs and current affairs!