Is my Mother in law a psychopath?

Arse not arsenal!

I’m Muslim too and Indian.

Move out. Cause a massive argument and make your husband choose between her and you.

She will be like this and keep being like this and will get worse.

You’ll be expected to clean her Arsenal when she’s old.

Seriously get the hell out.

Do you have a job or anything? Retain your own financial independence.

The fact it’s one rule for her daughter and another for you is very telling. Do not bring a tiny baby into this, she will try and take over if it’s a boy and taunt you if you have a girl.

Leave. Seriously leave.

she was sweet as butter
of course she was, predators need something to lure the victim in
you're fucked unless you leave

This is England not Pakistan
thats what you think but in her house it is Pakistan if she says it is

Speak to some DV charities or women's refuge, I know as a non Pakistani Muslim my thoughts wont be the same as yours but you are an adult and deserve to be happy, speak to the above and then give notice to your tenants, you could move back before the baby comes, if your still there when baby arrives, your current misery will feel like it was heaven in comparison to your feelings living with them as a mother yourself.
She's not strictly religious shes abusive and that's not ok even if you live under her roof you deserve respect, kindness and freedom.

What do you mean you have to ask permission (for example to visit your parents?) You are a grown woman, an adult, and you can do what the heck you like. Do not ask anyone's permission, just go and see your parents, or do whatever else you want to do. Frankly what you have written here really annoys me. Do you accept that you live in the UK or not? If so, do you accept that you are a free adult who can make her own choices? Sorry to seem unsympathetic, but behaving like a doormat to this extent makes a mockery of the hard-won equality many have struggled for here. Enjoy your freedoms and don't put up with rubbish like this.

You need to leave before the baby comes.
Either to your parents house or your own house.
And then only move out into your own house separate from your mother in law.
It'll be ten times harder once the baby comes.

I don't have the same cultural background, so just sending support

But it does seem there are various organisations that can help you resolve this in a way that won't create a rift between your husband and his family.

My Asian MIL was exactly like this and most of the DILs just put up with it, despite being totally miserable. You husband needs to support you all to leave at the earliest opportunity, and the birth of your baby gives him the perfect excuse.
It will not get any better and she will not be happy, but you have to decide whose happiness to prioritise: yours or hers

What would happen if you just went to your parents without asking?

What would happen if you just went to your parents without asking?

I recognize that you face cultural pressures which many of us don't really understand, but, aside from the intolerable living situation you are in at the moment, this woman is going to wreak your first time with your baby if you stay.

1. She will take over the baby and undermine your parenting, rather than giving you space to grow into being a mother.
2. It's going to be difficult for you to make certain parenting choices, such as breastfeeding, in a house where you have zero privacy and respect. Recovering from birth will be a nightmare. What if you've been up all night and need a day in bed with baby? Will she let you have that or make you get up?
3. She will likely keep you and the baby from your own mother at a time when you really need her support.

Is it possible for you to pack a bag and go to your parents? Then tell your husband you can't live with his mother anymore and you're not coming back till something's sorted.

Apologies for the repeated posts OP!

It really isn't acceptable to pass it off as a cultural thing. It used to be the culture in many parts of the UK that husbands would drink 10 pints on a Friday night then come home and abuse their wives. That's not ok, and what is happening to you is not ok. I have first hand experience of the police moving a woman in similar circumstances to safety after the woman was severely assaulted by the mother in law for breaking one of her rules. Please don't let that be you

Give your tenants notice and move back to your own home.

Set ground rules about when your MIL can and can't visit your home.

You need the space, especially with a baby coming. And for your own well-being and that of your child.

If you husband doesn't agree, leave him, and go back to your parents.

This is not complicated. It's actually quite simple. It's about living your life, the way you want to, not under the control of someone else.

(Did you know this is how you would be living when you got married?)

karmanirvana.org.uk/

Please check out this website and please give this service a call. They will support you.

She's a bully. bullies are often surprisingly weak when you challenge them. Don't ask her permission to visit your parents, just do it, and be rude to her if you need to, then do it again. Once you force yourself to stand up to her and be blunt with her, it will feel surpringly satisfying/liberating

You are the victim of domestic violence, namely coercive control, from your mother in law. You need to seek help. This will only escalate. It does not sound from your description like she has OCD, rather she is cruel and controlling and you need to get far, far away from her. Do not allow yourself to be robbed off with the "it's part of our culture" line; it is abuse regardless of your culture and you deserve much better than this

Have Muslim friend so kind of understand the family dynamics. I don’t think it’s that uncommon in the Muslim community. But that doesn’t mean it’s ok. When can you get remnants out of your house? Can your hubby talk to his mum? Surely better for her grandchild if you’re not stressed during pregnancy? Love and hugs to you

You are the victim of domestic violence, namely coercive control, from your mother in law. You need to seek help. This will only escalate. It does not sound from your description like she has OCD, rather she is cruel and controlling and you need to get far, far away from her. Do not allow yourself to be robbed off with the "it's part of our culture" line; it is abuse regardless of your culture and you deserve much better than this

You are the victim of domestic violence, namely coercive control, from your mother in law. You need to seek help. This will only escalate. It does not sound from your description like she has OCD, rather she is cruel and controlling and you need to get far, far away from her. Do not allow yourself to be robbed off with the "it's part of our culture" line; it is abuse regardless of your culture and you deserve much better than this

@JulyBreeze we do understand. Our differing cultures now live alongisde one another so we have more understanding than we once did. I'd prefer to face the consequences than live a miserable, controlled life.

I am not Pakistani, but I am a Turkish Muslim with a mother in law who behaved very similarlarly to yours. In her ideal world, I would live under her roof (which we did for a while), cook and clean for her, have no friends, forget my family and sit at her knee worshipping every word that came out of her mouth.

She would eavesdrop on my conversations with my husband and then insert herself into them. Likewise with our arguments, always taking her son's side. She would walk in on me while I was in the shower and get angry at me for being upset at the invasion of my privacy, stating that she could go wherever she wanted in her house, and that it's not like she didn't have what I have (physically).

I gave my husband an ultimatum and we moved. I never interfered with their relationship, and didn't care if he checked on them daily.

Even then she tried to come over daily, especially after I had my two children. She would constantly undermine me as a mother. I began to grey rock her. After a few years his father had to stop driving, and as we moved out a little farther and she didn't drive I only saw her for special events if we went there to visit, or we fetched her.

My husband was disappointed for a long time. It is only after years of discussion that he has finally come to accept that my relationship with his mother would not be what he hoped, and that he needs to accept things as they are.

It can be done, OP. Be strong and unwavering. I wish you the best of luck.

@Cosmos45 'I do think that it is difficult to explain. It is emotional and abusive manipulative behaviour disguised as "culture".' Absolutely agree with this. I think it's disgusting that people still get away with it.