Is my Mother in law a psychopath?

@Keeksbeeks
I know this thread is a few weeks old now, but I wanted to add you would be a fool not to move out before the baby comes.

Your MIL will control your birth, your parenting and your baby. If she says you have to formula feed, that's what you like have to do. If she says the baby has to sleep with her and not you, that's what you will have to do. What if she decides you are not a fit mother and you must leave her to comfort and parent the baby and you are just the house-maid? Etc, Etc, Etc.

You sound like a woman with her head screwed on, your husband sounds useless and he won't stand up for you and your baby.

It's not just your future, but the future of your baby you have to think about.

You are not the only woman living with abuse, ultimately the only person to make your situation better is you.
No one else is going to save you.

You hold all the cards at the moment OP - pregnant with their son's child, young, got your own work, etc. and you own a house. So if you act NOW, before the child is born, you can have the life you want. This woman is abusive, so you have to leave, but vital to do it now and establish yourself in a new home before the birth. I guess it will feel risky as you do not know if DH will side with you and his child. But is he does not, better to know now than when you are trapped in that house with his abusive parents and a baby you will not be able to call your own. It will be harder to leave then, and there may even be custody issues if you do. So please get yourself out of there now. Your husband needs to choose between you and his mother, but the sooner that is done, the better, as there will be less chance of resentment building up that could affect your future relationship with him. Do find the strength to get away from this abusive woman, with or without your husband's support. When you leave, he will probably come after you. And who cares what other people think? It is your life, not theirs.

I think this is more cultural than religious. Either way, LEAVE before the baby comes! It will actually get worse when "her" grandchild arrives.

Options:

• Give the tenants notice to vacate and leave.
• leave and go to your parents
• leave and rent a place

So sad women put up with this bullshit. Your husband needs to stand.up for himself and you and your relationship.

It's gonna be really crap living with her when you have a baby. She's going to tell you your doing everything wrong and wear you down.

Using culture as an excuse for bad behaviour. No decent Muslims or decent Pakistanis act like this, only uneducated, backward types

Sorry to be so fiery , I'm from the same background as you at it sickens me how women keep having to put up with this shit and train their daughters too as well.

Why isn't your mum helping you?

Personally I'd leave because it might be all manageable now but when you have a kid it will be a nightmare.

What do your friends say?

I know one day inshallah I’ll get through to my mil, she will just have to accept that I am my own person and dictating or controlling me will be her loss

This will never happen.

I’m not really sure what you want people to say because they are right- you are being abused and controlled and the only way to stop this is to leave. Your MIL sounds completely unhinged and she’s not going to just wake up one day and change her mind. The only way you are going to get out of this is to leave her house for good. Yes it will be hard and awful and horrible but it’s either a big pain now or a lifetime if this misery. I know which one I would pick.

Why do you expect everyone else to change? They won’t. It suits them.

Only YOU can change. Leave.

If you have your baby in this house, prepare for that baby to grow up calling her ummi and thinking of her as a mum. She will try control your child, and you will feel like a surrogate.

Think of it.

Make your husband choose... he chooses her. You are better off, single parent than this abuse.

And if the family slag you off.. then so what who cares?

This.

You really do need to move out OP. The situation will get a lot worse when the baby arrives. I can't tell you the anger you feel when someone undermines you with your own child.
I am not from the same culture as you but I married into it. My in-laws whilst do still have some of the culture traits they are thankfully not even close to what your MIL sounds like. I know there is still this awful stigma of being the evil daughter in law. One of my SIL is probably seen as one due to similar circumstances but my In-laws and the family all supported her and helped her get out of an abusive marriage.
Do your parents know what is going on fully? Please don't see yourself as a burden to them. If you were my daughter I would be pleading with you to come home.

When you say you are scared of what will follow if you leave, what do you mean exactly?

You need to leave or that toxicity will be aimed at your child next. She will badmouth you to the child and you won't get a look in.

Don't get caught up in trying to win or making her understand. It's a waste of time and energy. Tell your DH he can go and see them as much as he wants but you need to get out. Dont underestimate how vulnerable both you and your child will be after giving birth. It's easier to leave now before the baby comes.

When I say leave I mean get your husband to move out into your own place.

Don’t have a baby in that house she has all the control.

yes, if this child is a boy you can probably say goodbye to a good relationship with your own son

it might be more normalised in pakistani culture, but that doesnt mean its not abuse or that you have to put up with it.
You dont owe any of them anything.

I'm afghan. Firstly this is not Islam, it's culture, Islamic ally you are entitled to your own living space.

If you have your baby in this house, prepare for that baby to grow up calling her ummi and thinking of her as a mum. She will try control your child, and you will feel like a surrogate.

Think of it.

Make your husband choose... he chooses her. You are better off, single parent than this abuse.

And if the family slag you off.. then so what who cares?

I've been there( done that.

I'm so much happier being the evil daughter in law than the abused depressed one

TBH I would just move back in with your parents and tell your DH he can visit/stay as much as he wants but you are not prepared to be dictated to how often you see your own parents.

Not conventional but it's not divorce!!

TBH I would just move back in with your parents and tell your DH he can visit/stay as much as he wants but you are not prepared to be dictated to how often you see your own parents.

Not conventional but it's not divorce!!

You have this whole other life you're responsible for now. This is not fair on her, diffictult for your DH and completely unfair on your unborn child.

When your baby is born will your mum be allowed to visit/ will you be allowed to take your baby out?

Not legal knowledge but a fear I'd have is if you stay and you're all registered at the same address you could leave yourself open in the future to her being able to apply for grandparents access rights via court.

Not that i'm in any way suggesting you'd block her from visiting your child, but this child is yours and your husbands. Not another person to be dominated and manipulated.

You are a different generation to her and you have to put your stake in the ground. Your husband needs to help with this

Your MIL is a typical bully and she is treating you this way because she can get away with it. Once she realises she can't get away with it and she will lose her son if she doesn't treat you better, she will change her ways. Either way, please do not stay in this situation and work with your husband to find a resolution, if that means moving out then so be it. Your MIL drove you both to it, if she treated you better she could have had her son live with her longer. In any case his parents are his responsibility not yours, if he has to visit them every day and look after them then so be it! He will need to do that, not you. Do not worry about what the rest of the family will think! Your peace of mind is worth more than what others think!!

This is not a religious or a cultural thing as clearly there are different rules and expectations for her daughters. I am sure she won't tolerate her daughter's in laws treating them this way. I am from a similar background and this is unacceptable. I wouldn't advise you to leave and go to your parents as you won't gain anything that way. I would suggest you have a serious conversation with your husband and explain to him how miserable and unfairly you are treated. I get that you don't want to put him in a situation where he has to choose but his mother has already put him in this situation and you don't deserve to suffer this way. There is also no point in arguing with her or engaging with her in any way, it is now time for your husband to step up for his family which is you and your children/soon to be child. Talk to him and outline what you need from him, he needs to either give his mother an ultimatum or move out with you for the sake of your health and your future children's health. If he wants to be with you and his child he will need to make changes. This is something I explained to my husband from day 1, that if there is any conflict or issues between me and his family it is his job to step up, have the conversation with his family and sort it out. My MIL is lovely now and we have a good relationship but that is purely because she knows her son will always stand up for me. That is the role of a husband and that's what you need to explain to your husband. When he married you, he took on the responsibility to keep you happy and to protect you, be that from strangers or his own family and unfortunately he is not doing that.

women and girls have lost their lives in these situations, she sounds like the sort of MIL who would happily put out the order for your execution

Are your parents the same religion? How do they feel about you asking permission to visit them? I really hope you can get out of this quickly and safely

I am scared of what will follow with her

Leave. Then block her calls. Delete her emails. Refuse to talk to her. There is no reason why you should have to deal with her verbal abuse. Explain to your DH after you've left that you will only meet him on neutral territory to discuss moving to a place of your own. Before you agree to reconcile with him, set down ground rules for when MIL can visit and make it clear that you are going to be out for those visits. She doesn't own you.