DM about to dangerously discharge

Congratulations! Absolutely wonderful news.

Oh, well done Dorset. Enjoy your hard-earned break!

Enough already. Well, enough already years ago. Phone off, have a nice evening. DM is safe and will be even safer in a care home.

I do think one of the factors for care home admission should be 'danger to the health of others'.

Oh dear is this still all going on, at last she is back in hospital where she is safe and being discharged straight to a nh sounds a great plan. I doubt anyone has suggested she go home with antibiotics, just step back and don't engage with any more phone calls.

OP, do you believe what your mother said in that phone call? Because I would have serious doubts about its accuracy. I think she's telling you what she thinks will make you come and get her. Why on earth would doctors say she's not safe to be in hospital? How would that make sense? When all the other staff have agreed the direct move to the nursing home? I take it no doctor actually spoke to you as part of this call?

Switch your phone off OP and spend time with your family. This is not for you to shoulder alone, you have done enough. She is safer where she is than at home.

Well done OP. Massive well done.

My possibly rather tough post holds a world of sympathy for you - thing is, sometimes you've got to do what keeps you both alive and sane rather than what the elderly person feels like that afternoon.

Its good its being taken seriously. Is she realistically going to sit in an armchair or could she be nursed in bed. Some beds can be positioned like a chair, are they hiring in a bariatric bed for her. Why hasnt she had a proper wash.

OP, a very similar thing happened with my dad. I had to call the paramedics out and I emphasised that I didn't live nearby and that I was worried clout his continuing safety living alone. They were really sympathetic and agreed to admit him to hospital. I was then able to really push social services to move him directly into a care home, which I'd been part way through organising. It did speed things up. If this should happen again - it's quite likely it will - I strongly advise you to take this approach and push for your mum to be admitted and then for her to be kept in hospital until a transfer to a care home is possible. Paramedics see quite a few cases of people like this and they do understand how hard it is.
Can't remember if your mum owns a property or has savings? You will get a grace period, you don't have to hand over money immediately. I also found the finance people in adult social services very helpful once it got to that stage.

Horrible OP. Care home, care home, care home.

You're letting the tail wag the dog.

Stop letting your guilt and DM's failing brain put her at risk of sudden death. Stop.

For your DMs sake you must stop engaging with her about why she's not going into care. Repeat that she is going into care. Don't explain why; speak in short, clear sentences. Hang up after 5 minutes.

Long agonised discussions just give DM a sense she is the centre of attention, which is no good, and that she has a point - she doesn't.

Kindness will enable another horrifying accident, and nothing else. Treating DM like an adult could kill her. That's not respect. That's not love.

Control yourself. Stop engaging, stop popping round, tell SS why. Only when DM is in care can you resume the relationship, which ought to be shortly.

Its a good job you visited otherwise she would still be there till the carers or district nurse came. I take it she doesnt use a carelink alarm..what a worry for you.

DorsetCamping. The very best of luck to you and your mum. When you have your mum sorted you need a holiday it is exhausting.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I have found this a heartwarming thread reading about so many personal stories. We are in a similar position and am gaining so much help from our local community and support groups.

@DorsetCamping I have nothing helpful to add but have read all your posts and am utterly blown away by your love for your mum and the huge effort you have made to keep her safe and well, despite her best efforts otherwise.
I hope you’re taking time for yourself if at all possible. You can’t pour from an empty cup.
You’re doing an incredible job, sorry I can’t help at all!

So many of us in similar positions it’s heartbreaking. I’m learning so much from this thread. I have a phone meeting tomorrow with sw and mum for home care.
Mums agreeing to it at the moment, but we had enablement last year after she broke her hip , all went well for a while,
then one day one of the girls couldn’t access the key safe, mum blew her top and wouldn’t have them again. Expecting worse this time as she’s has memory loss and slight confusion.
It only a matter of time before she falls again, she has low bp which can’t seem to be rectified. If you saw the way she gets on her chair lift 😱 won’t be told though so what can you do .

My heart goes out to you. Been here time and time again with my mum it is soul destroying and heart breaking.
The incidents just keep coming and for us now we have just reached full leg amputation 6 days ago already she is making noises to her out. She is due to go to rehab but I know she will rush that through as quickly as possible so she can get home for a cigarette until the next admission. All carers are dispensed off within a week of arrangement because “her daughter will help” it’s killing me now already had 12 years of if I just can’t cope anymore now it’s become so severe. It never stops does it no matter how bad things get my heart breaks for her but also it’s too much for us to cope with. Stay strong lovely

OP

One thing I will ask her SW tomorrow is whether we can get DM back into the rehab unit

That's a good question to ask, suspect the bed was quickly filled. We can really feel your exasperation at how Mum didn't appreciate what a rare opportunity she was giving up.

I hate the thought of having to make knee jerk long term decisions when actually what she needs right now is looking after and stabilising.

You could always dIscuss with SW and Mum if a long respite stay (eg 4 weeks) had any realistic value in her situation and during lockdown restrictions.

Might be worth asking the physio from NHS unit if they can email some physio exercises to continue her rehab, if felt to be safe, workable or appropriate.

Also don't forget about 12 week property disregard funding if that might apply - there's eligibility requirements- you can read about it online but go to the LA's adult health and care website to do so, to avoid the well meaning but unhelpful misinformation on the internet.

Look, OP might find this damn fine & helpful guidance from SCIE on the very difficult issue of self neglect and when it becomes a safeguarding concern

"Self-neglect can be a complex and challenging issue for practitioners to address, because of the need to find the right balance between respecting a person's autonomy and fulfilling their duty to protect the adult's health and wellbeing. Both perspectives can be supported by human rights arguments.
The Care Act 2014 statutory guidance includes self-neglect in the categories of abuse or neglect relevant to safeguarding adults with care and support needs. In some circumstances, where there is a serious risk to the health and wellbeing of an individual, it may be appropriate to raise self-neglect as a safeguarding concern. However, interventions on self-neglect are usually more appropriate under the parts of the Care Act dealing with assessment, planning, information and advice, and prevention.
It is vital to establish whether the person has capacity to make decisions about their own wellbeing, and whether or not they are able or willing to care for themselves. An adult who is able to make choices may make decisions that others think of as self-neglect.
If the person does not want any safeguarding action to be taken, it may be reasonable not to intervene further, as long as:
• no-one else is at risk
• their 'vital interests' are not compromised – that is, there is no immediate risk of death or major harm
• all decisions are fully explained and recorded
• other agencies have been informed and involved as necessary.
Risk and capacity assessments are likely to be useful. The legislation makes clear that adult safeguarding responses should be guided by the adult themselves, to achieve the outcomes that they want to achieve.
Carrying out an assessment may be difficult, if the person is reluctant. The Department of Health advises (in statutory guidance on the implementation of the Care Act 2014) that adult social care departments should record all the steps they have taken to complete an assessment of the things that a person wants to achieve and the care and support that they need. Research indicates that intervening successfully depends on practitioners taking time to gain the person's trust and build a relationship, and going at the person’s own pace.
If it is impossible to complete the assessment, or if the person refuses to accept care and support services, you should be able to show that you have tried, and that information and advice have been made available to the person on how to access care and support and how to raise any safeguarding concerns. All your decisions, and the considerations that have led to them, should be recorded in light of the person's wishes and their particular circumstances. You should be able to show that whatever action you have taken is reasonable and proportionate"

The Human Rights Act balance they refer to is usually between Articles 2, 3 verses Articles 5 & 8 - they'll be easy to google, it is important stuff.

Regardless of you and OP having relatives at different stages or exact situations , it's great to have someone else who's had similiar experiences of their relatives ill health and can really understand that frustration from watching a sad, scary and difficult situation unfold. This MN section is so brilliant at finding MNers to give support for that.