Mother wanting to start going out “ it’s allowed now “

[quote namechangenumber2]@saraclara , nobody is stopping them - DH and more so BIL are arguing with them a lot about it as they don't feel they should be going out. They'll still go, which they know, but the arguments are unpleasant and upsetting for my in laws

BIL doesn't think they should be even leaving the house, but as I said earlier he has a very strong view on the virus so he's going to say that. I just think he needs to look at the bigger picture and stop treating them like children.. [/quote]
I'm only 64, and I'm still getting scolded by one of my daughters, who's very scared. Yet I'm being really careful, following all the rules, and not taking any risks at all. Because I really don't want to get it.

I know it's because she loves me and she's anxious, but I've gone home in tears both times I've met with her (she doesn't know) because it's so awful to be argued with over this stuff. So if you have any influence at all over their sons PLEASE tell them to stop doing that.

@saraclara , nobody is stopping them - DH and more so BIL are arguing with them a lot about it as they don't feel they should be going out. They'll still go, which they know, but the arguments are unpleasant and upsetting for my in laws

BIL doesn't think they should be even leaving the house, but as I said earlier he has a very strong view on the virus so he's going to say that. I just think he needs to look at the bigger picture and stop treating them like children..

Someone needs to advocate for them if they're unable to go out without help/transport.

You really need to consider QUALITY of life over quantity of time remaining. Your poor mum! People in their 80s are likely to die soon anyway and your mum has a brain tumour on top of that. There's no evidence that this virus is going anywhere any time soon. It could be around for years, and in all likelihood, your mum won't be.
You should make the most of her time left with you by honouring her wishes and taking her out. You could sit outside at a cafe or something somewhere. There are plenty open. Wipe down surfaces before you sit down, wash hands before and after...

Oh definitely he can see it, but it doesn't stop him worrying that they are high risk. I understand his worry, they're his parents after all, but I think you have to look at the bigger picture. Being trapped in your home, stressed and miserable isn't good for your health either.
Unfortunately BIL is of the opinion that we're all going to die from it so there's just no discussing it with him. He's a healthy 40 something and has no inclination to leave the house - he's another matter!

She clearly loves her garden even if she doesn't enjoy walking for walking sake. I'm glad you've decided to take her because you need to factor in quality of life when you make a risk assessment. People claim it doesn't matter and we just need to be more resilient but at 84, knowing the time you have ahead of you is limited, being able to do something that you love is important.

My mil lost a lot of mobility in her last few month and she ended up just constantly obsessing about what she had in her freezer because she thrived on being out and about talking to everyone and she had lost that. It was heartbreaking. We're so glad for her that she didn't get to experience this year.

DH sits a little bit more on the fence, can't understand why they'd want to go out

Has he been unable to leave the house for ten weeks? If not, can he imagine why he might be desperate to go out somewhere....anywhere, just to escape it and see that there's a world out there?

@saraclara , I totally agree! DH sits a little bit more on the fence, can't understand why they'd want to go out ( and tells them that), BIL is the much more argumentative one over it - he'd have them locked up in a bubble if he could. He's being very protective, but I'm not sure that's healthy for them. They're going to do it anyway, so just support them with their decision

Why not look for one of the more outdoor garden centres/ nurseries? There are the big warehouse style ones which are more gift shop than anything else, whereas a more nursery style one might be more outdoors although ideally with a closed coffee shop so you can sympathise that it is still shut. If you go fairly early and socially distance then the chance of her catching anything must be fairly minimal.

Decisions on my mum's freedom are now made by a care team, and I'm not local. But my brother and I insist that my mum's freedom of choice is respected, and she now has a manager who is empathetic and respects that. My MIL can no longer get in a car as her brain can't now send the signals to her body for her to have the motor skills needed. But if she did I'd be taking her out with no qualms at all, as would her daughter, my SIL.

his sons ( DH and his brother) and adamant he shouldn't be going out. It's causing a lot of friction between them.

Exactly who has decided that this couple no longer have control over their own lives? They're not four year olds.

I'm finding it appalling that so many adults now consider that they should be deciding exactly what their parents can and can't do.

Believe me, when it's your turn you won't be finding that reasonable of your offspring at all.

Take her out. It's her decision, and she has the right to make a decision that you consider unwise. If she does catch covid and it's symptomatic she would very probably live - 90% of over 80s with covid live, ¾ stay out of hospital. Based on her age her chances of dying in the coming year without covid are already at least 5%. Your comment about the brain tumour making her a prime candidate for DNR is a bit odd - the decision whether to attempt a resuscitation will be based on her chances of it doing any good, not on a condition that is not affecting her life. Take her out and let her have some fun for goodness' sake, while she still can.

My nana is 89 and has been doing her own shopping and going for a walk every day since this all started. I can't imagine her response if I told her she wasn't 'allowed'

Can't wait until I'm 84 & I'll tell my kids absolutely nothing about how I spend my time - so I can spend my time doing WTF I like. It will be like a new teenage phase, sneaking around & smiling sweetly with little white lies.

We're in a similar position with my grandma, who is 91. The problem is i'm not sure she completely understands what things are like right now. She's made several comments that indicate she doesn't have a firm grasp on the situation, although she doesn't have dementia. "I wish the war was over" was one comment. So I'm npt convinced she can make an informed decision.

Another problem is that my DM doesn't live with her, so it would be mixing households and therefore against the rules. We're not sure what to do

Another one saying take her out. My mother is older than that and I was ready to offer to take her out, but she pre-empted my decision by going on her own.

Take her where she wants to go. It sounds like she’s got capacity to assess the risk and at 84 with a brain tumour she’s probably faced a lot. I’d be more worried about prolonged loneliness than coronavirus personally.

I would take her too. I know it's not what you want to hear and of course there is a slight risk, but it is very low.

I'd definitely take her out and I'd be looking to do that as regularly as possible.

I don't know where you live and what other risks you're taking into account but there does need to be a balance for anyone who can do so. I understand why you're nervous though.

Do you really think she's better off being cooped up? Just be sensibkecand take her out for a walk in the park. The cooler weather will be perfect for it as there will be less people about.

We're in a very similar position with my in laws at the moment, also early 80's and not in the best of health - age and health condition puts FIL into high risk bracket but not shielding bracket.

They're desperate to get out, particularly to a garden centre. They're not the type to like to sit around, reading watching TV etc so have been waiting for the day to escape. I'm of the opinion that as long as they're very careful, social distance, avoid crowded areas etc then actually I think it would do them good. FIL in particular is very stressed with being cooped up at home, and likes the garden to be perfect. I don't think that stress is good for him.

I'm in the minority though, his sons ( DH and his brother) and adamant he shouldn't be going out. It's causing a lot of friction between them. Personally I feel they should be supported to do it, in as safe a way as possible. The sad thing is neither MIL or FIL could still be here by the time this is all over and I hate the idea of their final years being cooped up, not enjoying life