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Elderly parents
Original poster

Tricky situation POA

32 replies

Pianokicker · 26/05/2020 15:59

Don't quite know how to handle this situation regarding my mum.

I have POA for health and welfare for my mum. She has some dementia but I would say she still has capacity (in my opinion). She is currently living at home with my elderly dad. Dad (90) can no longer cope with her needs, even with two carers 4 times a day, she basically has no mobility. The OT has been in to assess her and they have ordered a return 7500, sliding sheets, commode, foot protector and a hospital bed etc...for their tiny flat (this is all according to my dad of course, I haven't seen them since lockdown began).

So we are having ongoing discussions regarding a nursing home, my mum hasn't agreed to go, and I can't see her agreeing to it, the upshot is that my dad has to continue to care for her.

What I am trying to get at is that because she has capacity can she make a decision that negatively affects someone else? My dad is really suffering.

Lockdown has made this horrible situation about 100 times worse of course.

Sorry if it's all a bit waffaly above, thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pianokicker · 26/05/2020 17:03

Thanks for the replies

My mum has never been selfish, I think it's part of the dementia that she can't really see the effect on my dad, so maybe she does lack capacity, gah it's all so difficult right now.

The flat is tiny (it's a 2 bed in name only), the hospital bed would have to go in the living/dining room (they'd have to move furniture out). There just would not be room for live in care unfortunately and besides they are currently coming in as a team of 2 to move her (might reduce to 1 person when they have all this equipment, I don't know). I think there was a suggestion that my dad could use some of it to assist her but really we are beyond that now.

Unfortunately I'm not in a position to look after mum.

Could anyone advise me what the normal procedure in England for activating POA would be? I assumed it was on the say so of an assessment with the GP? I've read the advice on the government website and as far as I can tell the bar for lacking capacity is pretty low.

Thanks

OP posts:
Heygirlheyboy · 26/05/2020 16:29

I really hope the OT has measured up and ensured that equipment can fit..

JulesLo · 26/05/2020 16:27

Is there a spare bedroom in their flat? If so 24 hour live-in care might be a short-term solution that will give everyone a bit of breathing space. No pressure on your Mum about going into a nursing home - it will take the pressure off your Dad, and off you about what to do.
I know that's deferring the decision but, at least, you'll then make a decision without all that extra stress.
Of course, you have to have a spare bedroom for a live-in carer so that might not work...

RandomMess · 26/05/2020 16:22

I suppose she doesn't have full capacity anymore because she is unable to see and consider the impact it has on your Dad...

Presumably in the past she would have been far less selfish?

Heygirlheyboy · 26/05/2020 16:11

PS in my own case we decided prior to lockdown that I would be part of my Dad's unit, the risks of not doing so outweighed any benefits and I supported him in cocooning, while isolatjng myself otherwise. Is this an option that would reduce pressure a bit? I have a link for a very helpful booklet that we filled out together with my DPs and it laid it all on the table in a neutral way and it meant hard decisions were made.

Heygirlheyboy · 26/05/2020 16:06

Are you considering activating the POA? (In Ireland this can take months by the way even if it's in place with solicitor) I wouldn't go down this route if possible especially as you say she has capacity. However it's clear some intervention is necessary. All that equipment takes up a lot of room, will carers be able to work with those installed in the space they have?? Have you nursing home potentials nearby? And availability? Would employing private carers be a possible option? What is your Dad's view? I'd 'chair' a family meeting, via zoom or ideally in person at a safe distance, laying out your concerns and your own limits re help you can give. Hopefully together you can come up with something that will improve everyone's circumstances. It's all really difficult. Have you discussed wishes etc prior to this?

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