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Original poster

Dad dying, how to cope with Mum

819 replies

MintyCedric · 28/04/2020 23:35

I was on here about a year ago after my dad had a bad fall and broke 4 vertebrae.

To cut a long story short, although there was no spinal cord damage and we got him home after 7 weeks, he never really recovered and his health and wellbeing has been on a downward trajectory ever since.

Shortly after lockdown he became largely bedridden (other than going to the bathroom) due to weight loss and lack of strength/balance. Verdict of 2 x GPs and practice nurse is that it's likely he has some kind of late stage gastrointestinal cancer and a prognosis of a couple of months at best.

Over the last week has been struggling to get to the bathroom (he has a commode and portable urinals in his room.but I've had to hold him up to use the latter. Today he made it out to the loo but I had to lift him off it).

Mum seems to be somewhat in denial and is not really managing to make any decisions about equipment and carers, and emotionally is utterly exhausting.

I'm visiting them almost daily, sometimes for several hours or more than once, but feel I'm spending all my time propping mum up. I want to be supportive but I'm also trying to work from home, keep an eye on 15yo DD (who is great but starting to forget what I look like), keep my own home/paperwork under control and look after myself (which is frankly a lost cause).

I feel guilty as hell for both resenting Mums demands on my time and brain space, and also because I'm dealing with the dad aspect on autopilot and have barely cried or even begun to process the situation.

I imagine my mum's emotional demands will only get worse and feel like my life is basically going to be over for the foreseeable future. I'm terrified I'm going to have give up work and my home to care for her and although I love her dearly, we are like chalk and cheese and I just don't think I could cope.

OP posts:
Original poster
MintyCedric · 19/08/2020 09:34

him not Jim...if she brought him home it would be a bit of a shock as that's not my dad!

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Original poster
MintyCedric · 19/08/2020 09:33

Just called...no major drama.

She managed to drive herself to the home yesterday (it's 5 minutes away but across a v.busy dual carriageway) and is planning to go again today.

Sounds like she's still thinking about bringing jim home. I said nothing.

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Knotaknitter · 19/08/2020 09:33

It's not your job to make her happy and she is the one in charge of her feelings. If she tells you you were rude for not dropping everything and waiting on her then the answer is that she should have said she was coming and then you could have agreed a more convenient time. Your second sentence has the perfect wording. If she wants to be upset and angry then that's her choice, you have nothing to apologise for.

Boundaries - you are allowed to have them whether your mother likes them or not. If you had therapy for the EA in your marriage you might find that helpful in thinking about the relationship with your mum. It should be a relationship of equals but you are supposed to orbit her sun and sacrifice yourself to her happiness. Your decision making process shouldn't have your mum's desires at the heart of it.

If she gives you an earful on the phone you are allowed to hang up, it would be quite reasonable to say that this is a conversation better done face to face, you don't want to talk about it now and then if she still runs on, byemumclick. This relationship has to change and she won't want it to so she is going to be upset and angry, there is no way round it.

I always write an essay, sorry. You deserve a better life than this love, you really do. You are going to have one too, it's just around the corner.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 19/08/2020 09:17

She doesn't generally tbf, and was stopping off to tell me how my uncles visit to dad had gone.

Was just monumentally shitty timing.

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RandomMess · 19/08/2020 08:59

If she starts arguing on the phone calmly repeat "don't come around when you haven't been invited, I'm hanging up now. Speak tomorrow" and then do it, hang up.

You need to stamp out her popping around uninvited else she will start on that ALL THE TIME!

Original poster
MintyCedric · 19/08/2020 08:46

I'm having a day at home today so if there's any argument it'll be over the phone anyway.

I like mum coming to see me, if we've arranged it, but not out of the blue and it was very bad timing.

I'm extremely protective of my space - when I was married I was walking on eggshells in my home nearly all the time so my new home is very much my safe space.

DD's birthday parties aside, I've probably had no more than 12 people over the doorstep in the 2.5 years we've lived here (and there's only 2 men I'll happily let in, if others have to ie boiler servicing or DDs boyfriend the cats actually hide because they don't have a clue whats going on)

Tbh that's probably something else I need therapy for!

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thesandwich · 19/08/2020 08:35

minty gird your loins gal, this is crunch time. As dp says walk. Don’t engage.
Protect those boundaries. You can do this.

DPotter · 19/08/2020 03:51

Minty
this is your chance.
If your Mum does start itching for a row - pull away. Say very firmly - I'm not going to argue or be brow beaten by for taking a private call from my counsellor
If she continues and you're at her house - get up and leave. If she's at yours get up open the door for her and ask her to leave.
I know this sounds harsh, but lets be honest she has no compunction in railroading over your boundaries so you will need to be firm to get through to her

Weenurse · 19/08/2020 01:05

Good luck with everything 💐

Original poster
MintyCedric · 18/08/2020 23:56

Woken from nap 15 minutes early (I always set a timer) by mum knocking on the window and peering in...10 minutes before follow up call.

Invited her in for coffee but was half asleep and utterly shell shocked. The sudden interruption of the afternoon almost reduced me to tears. DD said afterwards she thought I was having a panic attack as my leg was twitching violently (I wasn't even aware of it).

Anyway went upstairs to take call from counsellor and got down five minutes later to discover mum leaving, obviously with the hump.

Haven't heard from her since so sent a short message when my friend left 15 minutes ago and expecting a row tomorrow Hmm.

Counsellor has consulted her managers (she's newly trained) and is sending letter to my GP asking for an urgent referral to the assessment and treatment team within the next 5 working days.

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forrestgreen · 18/08/2020 17:15

I know you must be exhausted but you e done brilliantly today. If you keep a journal write down all the positive things you've done
Was clear to sn
Told dad what needed to happen to benefit everyone
Was honest with therapist
Made yourself heard to your mum
Set boundaries for yourself.

Marvellous job today

Original poster
MintyCedric · 18/08/2020 15:17

Tbh bloody dad isn't helping!

Anyway, had phone therapy session this lunchtime. Told her about Sunday and basically sobbed for 45 minutes.

Therapist is going to give my GP the head's up in case I find returning to work a struggle and referring me to the local assessment and treatment team who provide long term and specialised MH support.

Feel absolutely exhausted but have just had tea and chocolate and going to have nap as have a friend coming over this evening. Not massively in the mood tbh but I don't think I've seen her this year so hopefully will perk up a bit.

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MrsMcTats · 18/08/2020 14:16

Well done Minty! Sounds like a good visit. At this point you need to start switching off to your mum. When she starts 'wobbling' simply state a few facts and step away. She only does it because she knows you'll react.

You are absolutely right - if your mum changes the plan and your DH ends up going home, you do NOTHING to help. It will be hard for you I know, but they will quickly realise that the situation is not tenable. Hoping you can have a relaxing day today.

thesandwich · 18/08/2020 14:11

minty, well done. Hold the line. And please contact adult ss NOW before the s£&* hits the fan and also before you are back at work.
Easier to get the ducks in a row NOW.
LET YOUR MUM WOBBLE.
Look after yourself. It’s respite for YOU too.....

RandomMess · 18/08/2020 13:38

Your Mum is "being all wobbly" because she wants the attention on her...

She wants all your emotional energy comforting her and saying how done to she is, meanwhile you seriously contemplating suicide is to be ignored.

Your Mum is so so so far from normal or reasonable you are blind to it.

AnnaMagnani · 18/08/2020 13:29

I'm not excusing her behaviour at all, but surely it's not that unusual for people to be anxious when their loved one goes into residential care for the first time, or for them to want to visit more frequently.

It is isn't but with the best will in the world Minty, I don't think that you can see that your mum is not in the normal scale of mums. She has been doing you over since you were a small child and although transition into a care home is hard, it isn't usually this hard.

Knotaknitter · 18/08/2020 13:27

Good for you, well done. I think you deserve some sort of a reward for sticking up for yourself and having a plan. Maybe a new pen to do your writing with or a new journal - something that puts a smile on your face.

It took me a hell of a long time to say no and mean it and see that my needs were just as important as everyone else's. My experience has been that the people who are most upset about you being firm with your boundaries are the people who are used to taking advantage of you.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 18/08/2020 13:01

We're only allowed to visit for an hour at a time and haven't gone every day, 5/7 but given it's his first week I don't think that's too crazy.

Anyway popped up and had a chat with Dad and one of senior nurses this morning. Told him it would really help if he could stay a couple of extra weeks, see if he settles a bit more and give mum a chance to get her physical health issues addressed and the review the situation. Stressed the point that if he does come home I will be at work and largely unavailable.

He's agreed to stay on and we'll review the situation in 10 days or so.

I've also told SN about the impact it's having on my mental health and she agrees that we might have to insist on him staying put. He can also potentially be moved to a different room if he stays long term (current room is next to the kitchen so quite noisy).

Then went to tell mum...she's now very wobbly about 'making him stay there', and was implying she would talk to him later.

Told her in no uncertain terms how the situation was affecting me (which she brushed off with 'you wouldn't do that, you've got a daughter to think about' Hmm), and that I'd done my best and if she wants to start changing things again it's entirely up to her.

If she insists on bringing him home, I will call adult social services and explain the situation then leave them to deal with it.

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TheSparklyPussycat · 18/08/2020 11:41

I can understand the approach of the nursing home. We used to actively discourage family, especially carer visits when I worked in a hospital that provided respite care for people with dementia. The respite would not be withdrawn if they did visit, but they would have had the 'talk' from the senior nurse.

DPotter is right. The point of respite care is to give carers a break.

DPotter · 18/08/2020 11:27

I can understand the approach of the nursing home. We used to actively discourage family, especially carer visits when I worked in a hospital that provided respite care for people with dementia. The respite would not be withdrawn if they did visit, but they would have had the 'talk' from the senior nurse.

Does anyone know/think that if we got social services involved and explained the situation they would just say 'don't be ridiculous, it won't work, he's staying put'?

Sadly probably not. The term 'capacity' has become a watchword for Social Services. They will put in care packages to support anyone who says they want to stay at home, even if that person has very poor 'capacity' in the legal sense. So if someone can actually say the words 'I want to go home' - that is what Social Services will do. That person can have a high degree of dementia and have such physical problems that they cannot care for themselves at all. Also sadly the care packages will not support someone who needs 24 hr care - Social Services departments don't have that level of cash. Have watched this play out within my family - and I warn you - it's a slow car crash that you can see coming from miles away and there is not a thing you can do to stop it. As Random says time to play hardcore and harden your heart.

Please Minty step away. Ask your friend to have a frank conversation with your Mum - she's a good allie.

TheSparklyPussycat · 18/08/2020 11:18

BTW I was not meaning your DF should come home, even if he wants to. It is clear that would be impossible, if just for the practicalities.

It is very common, I think, and understandable, for folk who go into care to express a wish to go homehome. Who wouldn't prefer to be at home rather in a care home?

I would reiterate what Candelabra says.
Social services will not offer extra help if an adult daughter is there managing the situation.

RandomMess · 18/08/2020 11:08

This is your time to be hardcore and tell EVERYONE that you will not be helping care for him anymore. This is the only way he will get the care he needs...

Knotaknitter · 18/08/2020 10:27

Find the number for adult social services in their area and get your mum to call them. Explain that dad may be leaving respite care and coming home without a care package in place, he wants a needs assessment. You could of course call yourself and in addition tell them that you think everyone around you has lost their mind.

This time mum does not get to dismiss the carers and have you do it because things have changed and you are going to be back at work. Stand in front of a mirror and practise it. "I am back at work now" "I am a single parent and I work full time"

MrsMcTats · 18/08/2020 10:03

Morning Minty, I'm afraid I don't know enough about the remit of social services. However could you request a home assessment from the district nurse? I know she's been elusive, but if you say the home need a decision and you need her support, perhaps she will be useful.

Yes I'm surprised the home has taken such umbrage to a wife struggling to cope with change. Could you have a meeting with them on your own, explain you're all struggling, but have to be realistic. How would you even get your dad in the car? Tbh I don't think your dad is being fair either. He must know that going home isn't really an option, but I understand him not wanting to face reality. As a pp said, when any scenarios are being discussed it needs to be clear you are not on the care rota. The question is whether your mum will be able to care for him, not you.

RandomMess · 18/08/2020 09:50

I would ask the staff how they think Mum can look after him on her own bearing in mind you are back to work and will not be helping out anymore as you are too unwell?

It's ironic that your Mum does recognise and has admitted he is better off in there and she can't cope... your Mum can refuse to have him back by stating she can't look after him and the carr package that has been offered won't be enough.

You need to be clear to both your parents and everyone else that you will not be helping care for him anymore as you work full time, have reached your limited and have been contemplating suicide over it...