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Elderly parents
Original poster

Dad dying, how to cope with Mum

819 replies

MintyCedric · 28/04/2020 23:35

I was on here about a year ago after my dad had a bad fall and broke 4 vertebrae.

To cut a long story short, although there was no spinal cord damage and we got him home after 7 weeks, he never really recovered and his health and wellbeing has been on a downward trajectory ever since.

Shortly after lockdown he became largely bedridden (other than going to the bathroom) due to weight loss and lack of strength/balance. Verdict of 2 x GPs and practice nurse is that it's likely he has some kind of late stage gastrointestinal cancer and a prognosis of a couple of months at best.

Over the last week has been struggling to get to the bathroom (he has a commode and portable urinals in his room.but I've had to hold him up to use the latter. Today he made it out to the loo but I had to lift him off it).

Mum seems to be somewhat in denial and is not really managing to make any decisions about equipment and carers, and emotionally is utterly exhausting.

I'm visiting them almost daily, sometimes for several hours or more than once, but feel I'm spending all my time propping mum up. I want to be supportive but I'm also trying to work from home, keep an eye on 15yo DD (who is great but starting to forget what I look like), keep my own home/paperwork under control and look after myself (which is frankly a lost cause).

I feel guilty as hell for both resenting Mums demands on my time and brain space, and also because I'm dealing with the dad aspect on autopilot and have barely cried or even begun to process the situation.

I imagine my mum's emotional demands will only get worse and feel like my life is basically going to be over for the foreseeable future. I'm terrified I'm going to have give up work and my home to care for her and although I love her dearly, we are like chalk and cheese and I just don't think I could cope.

OP posts:
LilacTree1 · 02/05/2020 19:38

Minty I guess dad was “lucky” in that he couldn’t sit up but still managed those

With a catheter, they’d probably have to put him on antibiotics immediately.

I can’t help but think he’s receiving less care because of lockdown.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 02/05/2020 19:18

Lilac he has a portable urinal but he struggles to 'go' sitting down and lacks the strength even to stand without support.

Ikwym about getting old. I'm going to have a slush fund at some point so if it all goes to shit I can just fuck off to Switzerland on a one way ticket and have done with it.

VanGogh totally agree with you on the catheter front, and I guess they may be more amenable if, with the best will in the world, he's on his way anyway. He fell down the stairs last year, backwards from top to bottom, broke a rib and 4 vertebrae and they wouldn't catheter him in the hospital even though he was flat on his back for over a week until they could get him in back brace.

As for driving, my mum still does, just very locally, but probably shouldn't and hasn't since lockdown. She discovered her battery was flat last week, called out breakdown and it needs replacing so she was on my case to take it to bloody Halfords...have manage to dodge that bullet so far.

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 02/05/2020 14:18

A catheter is necessary I'm afraid, emptying those is far better than trying to get a frail old man to wee into a jug.

I'm not sure why they wouldn't fit one due to 'risk of infection', if this was thing no-one would ever have one. They gave my dad one near the end. One of the issues was that he didn't know he needed the loo so was constantly getting the bed wet, even with pads. Then it needs changing which means getting him up and mum couldn't manage that, even with a carer they struggled.

I've always been very clear with my parents that they could not live with me, ever. I'm staying with mum until the end of lockdown but then, if she refuses to move somewhere more sensible, she's going to have to learn to cope on her own. She hasn't driven for twenty years but is talking about taking it up again, when we got in the car yesterday she forgot to put her seatbelt on and when I told her she said she did have it on - so I cant imagine how she's going to cope with driving, can only hope the person who does the refresher lessons realises how ridiculous it is and tells her that.

LilacTree1 · 02/05/2020 13:03

Goodness, I shuddered typing that. If I believed in god, I’d pray to never get old!

LilacTree1 · 02/05/2020 13:03

Tbh I know my mum would love it if I moved in as well.

But she knows it would be wrong to pressure me.

Also she can’t bear to clear out dad’s things, which in reality means there’s no room for me.

It does sound like care for your dad must be top priority at the moment.

I wouldn’t get a catheter but he might need those things that they pee into? Dad spent his last weeks in hospital and had that.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 02/05/2020 11:25

It's what she wants. She had a (imho unhealthily) close relationship with her own mother - didn't leave home until she was nearly forty.

If it wasn't for Covid I'd have a tiny bit of hope that she might manage post Dad. I'm only round the corner, she has a handful of friends locally, still drives and there is a community centre 5 minutes walk away with lots of groups and activities. None of this will be feasible all the while the virus is a risk.

Dad has become almost completely unable even to stand over the last few days which is presenting a major issue on the toileting front. A friend who cared for her elderly dad mentioned the possibility of him having a catheter fitted but they wouldn't do that when he broke his back last year because of the infection risk.

Were going to have to speak to someone on Monday and get the bed and carers in sooner.

OP posts:
LilacTree1 · 02/05/2020 00:06

It’s not selfish to want your own life OP

Sorry if this offends but your mum sounds selfish.

You own your own home, I take it? I think it’s important that you make your life a priority and sort out whatever care needs she has, then let her crack on.

You can’t sacrifice your life just to keep her company, which is what it sounds like.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 01/05/2020 23:49

I just constantly feel resentful, selfish and guilty.

OP posts:
Original poster
MintyCedric · 01/05/2020 23:48

Lilac what she really wants is for us to sell both our houses and move in together.

I live with them for nearly 2 years when my marriage broke down and whilst I'm incredibly grateful for their support it just didn't work and was incredibly stressful. We are very different and tbh I doubt we could agree on a home to buy in the first place and our combined budget wouldn't stretch to somewhere completely self contained.

As selfish as it is I love my little home and my own space and at some point I would like to have another relationship which would be a non-starter.

I am already visiting nearly every day (am trying to have a couple of days off a week but something always drops up). If I'm there for less than 3 or 4 hours she complains that I'm not there long enough. It's only manageable at the moment as I'm.working from home due to the virus.Once we got back I'll be unavailable 7.30 - 4.30 Monday to Friday so will just have to wave goodbye to my free time, such as it is.

Dd is 15 but has her head screwed on. Unfortunately her dad (XH) is not in a position to provide any additional support as far as shes concerned.

OP posts:
helpfulperson · 01/05/2020 19:33

One tip is to talk about everything as being 'for the moment' or ''to see if it helps' etc so nothing is a permanent decision. If she is dithering rather than openly saying no then this might work. And hopefully once in place she will see what a difference it makes and is unlikely to actively make the decision to have stuff taken away.

LilacTree1 · 01/05/2020 19:14

I understand you need to protect the house

Can you visit once a day or will she say she wants a care home for company?

The other thing is, you can’t control what she does financially, so if she decides on a home, that’s it really.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 01/05/2020 18:02

She is so emotionally needy that even if she was to go into some kind of sheltered accommodation she would probably be constantly on the phone/ wanting me there, and the financial aspect is a consideration.

As terrible as its sounds, for various reasons I have never been able to afford a pension. If their house is sold and it all goes on fees I will never be able to retire. And actually I wouldn't mind that if I thought she would be happy and it would take the pressure off me but I know that won't happen.

My job doesn't really qualify as a career at all, although I had made a start towards applying for something more challenging for which I'm assuming the application process is currently on hold.

If that panned out, it would potentially be more flexible and better paid than my current job, so I could work part time which would help.

OP posts:
LilacTree1 · 30/04/2020 22:51

I’m so sorry Flowers

“ I'm terrified I'm going to have give up work and my home to care for her and although I love her dearly, we are like chalk and cheese and I just don't think I could cope.”

I’m wondering why you’d need to do this. Is it a cost issue, does she need full time care?

Could costs be offset against the house? It doesn’t seem right for you t lose a career. What is her health condition?

In terms of acceptance, I don’t think mum accepted dad was dying at all. I can’t lie, the emotional support is hard.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 29/04/2020 06:52

Flowers @VanGoghsDog I'm so sorry about your dad.

Just to clarify...mum isn't refusing so much as dithering. I think shes slightly resistant to anything that make it 'real' iykwim?

I'm hopeful that after yesterday's visit from the practice nurse she will engage more with the practical aspect of things. I will certainly try to gently press home the point about him being moved elsewhere if he can't be cared for at home due to lack of appropriate bed etc. She has already been told it will probably be a necessity if we're to have carers in and Dad is terrified of having to go into hospital again as he didn't have a great experience last year.

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 29/04/2020 01:01

If he has a terminal diagnosis he should be on the continuing healthcare pathway and have a needs assessment.

The nurses who come to assess will speak to your mum too. Your dad can make his own decisions about his care though as long as he has capacity, but when he doesn't it's really for the nursing team to decide, not you or your mum. If she refuses to have a bed in the house he's likely to get moved to hospital or a hospice. They need to do what is best for him.

I've just been to through similar with my dad (he died at home yesterday) and the hospital bed makes a MASSIVE difference in how comfortable he is and how his care can be provided. Especially once he can't wash himself, can't sit up, needs a catheter (which sounds imminent) etc.

Talk to the nursing care team and take their advice. It will be really hard on your mum though, my mum had to watch her husband die pretty much (he actually died, peacefully, in his sleep with the carer here at about three am).

Lausch95 · 29/04/2020 00:49

You need to look after yourself OP. Eat well, get some rest

Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2020 00:04

Perhaps you need to report your mum to social services if she refuses to cope. If a hospital bed needs to be put in then you give permission. Do you have power of attorney? You must not allow yourself to be so worn down that you become ill as well.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 28/04/2020 23:51

Hopefully we will have carers in the morning next week and they want us to have a hospital bed put in. They've also offered a bath chair and sadly, spoken to us about having DNR.

Mum just won't commit to anything.

OP posts:
Lausch95 · 28/04/2020 23:45

Hello OP
This sounds incredibly difficult and I'm really sorry you are going through this. You are being a wonderful support to both your mum and dad but I think you definitely need to look into getting carers in for your dad, if he would be in agreement? It is so tough, I'm so sorry. You really are doing your best.