Dad dying, how to cope with Mum

Feel for you, OP. Had to support one of my parents through their final illness and it was so so hard.

Your Mum is trying to protect herself by staying in denial but all that's doing is shifting more pressure into you. And, as you say, you still having caring responsibilities for DD and a job.

I think you need to speak honestly to your Mum about your needs too. If she is not going to take an active role in decisions then she needs to give you the autonomy to make them on your parents' behalf.

When my DM was dying I saw a counsellor who said something that stuck with me to this day. 'When you are in a plane, you always fit your own oxygen mask before helping others put theirs on.' In order to care for your Dad, you need to make sure you can protect your own mental health. A broken, burnt-out person cannot shoulder this kind of burden. So be honest with your Mum about what you need.

Huge hand-hold . I've been there and it is shit.

Completely agree with DPotter!

You are going to end up really ill if you don't step back and tell your Mum to get on with it.

Your Mum isn't going to change and your DD deserves to have a life without your Mum's toxicity ruining the next x years of it.

KOKO

I know I sound like a cracked record but I can't believe you don't have a Specialist Palliative Care Nurse.

This isn't being handled well by the GP/DNs, it's exactly the sort of thing that a Specialist Nurse would push and co-ordinate to sort your care package out and realise you and your mum aren't coping.

I do this sort of thing every day.

Minty, Minty, Minty

Oh how I feel for you, I really do. But Minty you need to step back, you really do. I know it feels like your watching a car crash in slow motion and you want to get in there and sort them out. But you can't do everything - you have other responsibilities. This isn't a failure on your part, it really isn't.

Don't give up your job
Make contact with GP & Social Services - tell them you can't support your parents any more, that your mother is resisting additional input from carers and you're concerned about neglect. And then you do the most difficult thing you can - you step back. All the time you are there, caring, sorting etc, there will be no extra help. We had to do this with a family member and it was traumatic, but there was no other way in the end.

I know you want the best for your Dad, really I do. But he needs professional help now and you and your Mum need to know he's being cared for, so you can both feel less stressed.

If nothing else, if your Mum phones at 3am for assistance with your dad as he's fallen off the commode again, please call 111 /999 and don't go around yourself. Call yourself, don't ask your Mum to. My DP had to do this for his family member.

Don’t give up your job.
Could the careers give him suppositories to regulate his bowels when they are there to ease toileting issues for your Mum?
Catheters are used in these situations to ease the falls risk and wet beds.
Discuss these options with the nurse to see if they are possible.

No practical advice but just a hug and to say you're doing an amazing job x

We didn't get 4x carers until the last week, and the overnight one only did three nights in the end (well, two and three quarters.....).

But as a minimum you should be having three a day, morning, lunch and evening.

The virus makes this all so much harder, if it weren't for that, you'd find local volunteers who will come and help or just sit with someone.

Try Parsley Box for ready meals, they're not amazing, and quite small, but they don't need to be refrigerated and last 6m. Mum got some and while they're not gourmet food, they keep her alive and when dad was first ill they were about the size he could manage. You get wine too!

www.parsleybox.com/menu/latest_offers/

Is that seriously all you are having?

He has Fast Track CHC FFS I thought he was having 4x daily carers.

No wonder the whole thing is a mess and you are exhausted. The whole problem could be solved tomorrow if he had a carer coming 4x a day - your mum wouldn't be lifting a finger and it would practically solve the toilet issue as they would try him on the toilet each time, so no surprises at any other times of day.

On the practical side have you claimed attendance allowance for your dad - that money really helps in buying in extra help. Sounds like your dad could claim under the special rules for those who are terminally ill.

I love the reading Thomas Hardy idea (though he can be a bit downbeat in most of his other works). Victorian works unfold slowly and in lovely prose. Perfect for settling to sleep. Being read to is such a comfort and for most of us is associated with being tucked-up and loved.

Can I suggest another Victorian: Trollop ?
His Barchester Towers series works wonderfully read aloud.

Dickens' work just asks to be read out.

I think you need more carer time, if your Mum would rather he moved into a care home but that means she can't visit perhaps you need to accept it?

Sorry this is such a nightmare OP - you are being brave, supportive and a very good daughter.

Remember that you should not give up your whole life in order to continue to be a good daughter. You owe yourself and your own daughter much more than that.

(The moving in together idea might work for some but sounds likely to be a disaster for you all. Just say 'no' to that one.)

What are the toughest times for your mum?
My experience says don’t build yourself into the rota- give yourself flexibility to go when it suits you.
An hour every morning could give more scope. And times so perhaps you could get your mum out for a walk or something?
Buy time so you get to read to your dad.

Your mum sounds very manipulative. Please don't bow down to her and give up your job. As PP have said, even if you did that and let her move in with you, the complaining and guilt tripping would never stop.

I think the best bet once your dad has gone (sorry hope that is not too upsetting) is for her to go into sheltered housing. There is plenty available in your town as I was looking for mum until she got admitted to hospital. That way, she would have company, someone else to moan with and means you would not feel so obliged to visit constantly.

Sounds like your dad really needs carers in, can you get the elderly care team to visit and assess?

You tell her "that isn't an option, we lived together before and it isn't the right thing for DD and I"

Shut it down like that every time.

Your Mum can move into sheltered when Dad goes. You can tell your Mum if she doesn't get carers in including overnight then Dad will have to go into a care or nursing home.

Please please please get to grips with the FOG you are in. Your Mum will never be happy she will always moan that what you do and how you are is inadequate.

Completely agree with random
You can never do enough. Get the friend to talk to her about more carers.