Dad dying, how to cope with Mum

No. I would be Unison but I was with them in a previous job when redundancies hit and they were as much use as a chocolate teapot so never joined back up.

The HT member of staff I PA for is very union centric and has suggested I put an email together raising my issues and she'll take a look with a view to involving the head.

So much for making life less stressful and carving out some more time.

Went into work today for what I thought was a toe in the water with a view to going in a few hours a couple of times a week around DD's reduced hours (which I was happy to do as minimises risk if we're travelling to/from and there at the same time).

I have been told that I am expected back in three full days a week from Monday, my hours and the fact DD can't come in early/wait for me in school mean she will have to travel to and from on public transport increasing the risk even further.

So I either don't see my parents at all for the next 6 weeks (4 at work, 2 quarantine), or carry on supporting them with the associated increase in risk factor.

All this in spite of my having had a letter from the GP saying I should work at home if possible and the fact I have been doing so perfectly competently for the last three months.

Apparently it's suddenly impossible for me to do my job from home.

Thanks all - you are indeed fabulous!

I've no intention of letting her pull back on the care - tbh I'm hoping she'll just go with it once she gets used to it.

I have pointed out to her quite firmly that this is not about what she wants, it's about what is best for dad's safety and wellbeing.

Care agency called mum this afternoon and told her they will be putting in 2 x carers for an hour twice a day, every day from Monday.

She's not thrilled about it (they wanted to start tomorrow!) but I think I've convinced her to go with it on the grounds she can tweak a bit if she find it doesn't work (ie.make the afternoon ones every other day for twice as long)

Actually it's just occurred to me that I do have Do Not Disturb set up for notifications so she can only ring me between 11pm - 7am.

To be fair it wasn't mum's fault - dad's in inco pants and we tell him repeatedly that he mustn't get out of bed but he will insist on doing it.

It's happened twice in the last week in the early hours so I wondering if when he wakes he's a bit disorientated and doesn't remember that he can't manage it.

Yeah FB message at 6.30am - I woke up and read it at 7.15pm. Spoke to her again at half nine and have heard nothing since. She was quite insistent that I didn't go round and that she'd call if she needed me. They've got extra care in today anyway, but I though I heard Dad calling for me in the background when I spoke to her earlier, although apparently it was for her (our names start with the same sound so maybe but....

I'm increasingly thinking I need to work on my own knee jerk reactions and guilt complex as much as anything!

As for 'do not disturb' - I just couldn't. I don't have a regular sleep pattern anyway, especially at the moment. We've no-one else and if they couldn't get hold of me, they'd hit the careline button and they'd call me on the house phone anyway.

So much for the right direction...message from mum at 6.30am to say she'd been woken by an almighty bang and found dad in a heap on the floor at the end of his bed.

She did message though and wasn't panicking and said there's nothing I can do so I haven't, but its shaken them both up badly.

Well! Mad dash round to mum's this morning as rather than phoning me the DN called mum and asked to pop round (at 10 minutes notice, then showed up two hours later. Anyhoo...)

Dad on pretty good form, and between me, DN and care manager we seem to be making some progress. We talked through the fact that he and mum need a lot more support and tried to address mum's issues about invasiveness and how much they would actually be able to do at set times of the day. I gave the DN my suggested carer timetable (which mum has also seen and we've tweaked a bit) and she's going to liaise with care manager and the funding team to see what they can put in place. I told her I was wfh full time and going back in 2 days a week from Tuesday.

They won't consider the use of suppositories to regulate Dad's bowel function, but hopefully with more carers in it will become less of an issue. She's also ordering a zimmer so he can take some of his own weight when transferring to the commode.

We've decided not to revisit the Convene at the moment as Dad wasn't overly keen and inco pants are working okay at the moment. His skin is great condition despite being bed bound since mid-March and in the pants for the last few weeks.

As for me...I have made an effort to take my meds properly since the weekend, cut back on the alcohol and get a few early nights, albeit with the help of a tiny amount of diazepam as all the 'dad anxieties' pop into my head as soon as light goes out. On Sunday I had a nightmare about him dying on his own in horrible circumstances; last night just as I was drifting off I got an image in my head of him having a seizure (which has never even happened) and a few weeks ago I woke up with a start having 'heard' someone tell me 'he's dead' (obviously he wasn't!)

I am thinking of touching base with the local counselling service again to work through that side of things, but I do feel so much better today...fingers crossed that will continue.