Dad dying, how to cope with Mum

My dad had put some photos he liked into an envelope. There was one of me from about twenty years ago with a boyfriend. I said to mum "oh, I wonder why he had this one?" (Feeling a bit chuffed he had a photo of me in his special photos). She said "I expect he thought it was a nice photo of [name of area it was taken]". Cow!

Re being like a little boy - I was feeding my dad, and I said "you've been very brave" (he really was) and he gave me this totally innocent and sincere look and said "have I?" just like a little boy.

I said yes, yes you have.

One day at a time, keep cuddling the cat

I recognise the cheeky little boy thing too. Dad was like that. He would absolutely beam when he saw me. I loved him very much. I don't love, or even like, my mother.

Beautiful puss cat there, Minty.

I've read your thread all the way through, and I have every sympathy for you. My mother is very like yours. She made my father's decline and illness all about her too. She uses emotional manipulation ( or tries) is supremely self centred and wants to be in control at all times. Very rigid and inflexible. Even now that she is in a care home herself.

One thing you mentioned particularly resonated with me. She never once considered that I was losing my father either, as she was losing her husband. Not once. Again, all about her.

It sounds unkind to say, but she has always been this way. Old age has just made it worse. I cant imagine living with her. It would have destroyed me.

Unlike your situ though, he went to a care home and died in hospital. I can barely imagine the stress you are under, and am so glad to hear you are carving out some time for yourself. It's vital. Stay strong, step back. The various agencies will not step up if they know you are there. I simply said I was unable to help them and support needed to be provided. Mother fought it tooth and nail, but had to accept it in the end.

There are moments of dark humour to be found, aren't there. It also occurs to me it is all interesting material for the writing, no ?

Koko.

Care homes are taking residents if it came to the crunch but from what the DN said it would be difficult to find one that would accept a patient at end of life stage, and there would be implications for moving dad also.
Minty I wouldn't take it as red that DN is correct. Now would actually be a good time to get a bed in a care home as they have empty rooms and more goodwill and community support than months ago. They also are better equipped and will be following very high standards of hygiene.
you've had a rubbish week.

Minty

The Crunch is here. It's arrived and the shit is indeed hitting the fan at high speed

You're going to think I'm the hardest bitch ever - go home, go home now. Do not return tonight. What happened to your resolve about stepping back? If you Mum can't cope tonight - call an ambulance.
Remember if you are there - you will not receive any additional support.

I am so sorry you're in the middle of this - please think of your own health and that of your DD. Just in case you thought I didn't mean it - GO HOME!!

Hand hold and hug

They are being very odd - all those things are in your dad's best interests. It's no good for him to wet the bed and wander around. He could hurt himself. And lying in wet sheets is no good for him.

We started calling the district nurse every time dad got agitated. So if he was mithering to get out of bed etc, we just called the DN. They pretty quickly found ways to stop us doing that - overnight carer, sedation, syringe driver etc.

It sounds as if you need an overnight carer. Or, for him to be sedated at night so you all get some rest.

You really need to work on your boundaries and FOG with your Mum from now.

You need to not take on responsibility for her happiness, remember she will never be happy not even if you give up her life and moved in with her.

If she's lonely she can move into assisted living with shared communal areas etc. You still have a child to bring up and you need to work - both non negotiable and DDs NEEDS will always take priority over her.

KOKO

I don't know if our brains change in latter years but people become very selfish. They get less and less control over their life, they find things that they used to do have become more difficult or impossible, it's no wonder that what remains becomes more important to them.

My DM passed away years ago but she had been a geriatric nurse and also worked in a Care Home before retiring but somehow hadn't logged that her life might end similarly.
Wouldn't sign a DNR, wouldn't go into a home, once in one expected a lot of me, it was only afterwards I thought - WTHell.
I don't know if our brains change in latter years but people become very selfish.

Minty the one thing you have to believe right now is that this is not the rest of your life, things will change and it will get better. Until that time you have to slog through one day at a time, if that's too much look at getting through the next hour. You are under an unbelievable strain right now but it won't always be like this.

Minty - I've avoided this thread because I knew it would be grim. Coping with my mum's grief and anger, stopping her launching at the throats of the rest of the family is fresh in my mind nearly twenty years on. When people say "oh, I just don't know how you manage" it's because there is no choice, you just have to keep on going because there isn't any other way out of it. At the worst times in my life I was glad I had children/dependent pets because it gave me a reason to carry on when my life was not worth living.

I hope your boss removes her head from where she's stuck it, if not then perhaps buy yourself some time and sob at your GP pointing out the lack of support in these difficult times for your family (the long list of things that you know should be out there, but not for you) and for you (carer's services, counselling). A sick note for a month would take you to the end of term. I know that you don't want to do that seeing as you can work from home but someone is being unreasonable here and it's not you.

(Could your daughter travel in with you and sit in the car at the beginning/end of the day?)

I will give you the three phrases I found helpful when dealing with someone who thinks the world should revolve around them:

Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm
It's not my job to make her happy
If everything I do is wrong then I'll just do what I want to do

The last one I found particularly freeing.