Dad dying, how to cope with Mum

Minty It’s obvious you love your mum but your relationship with her will inevitably alter in the weeks ahead. The power shift is happening. You are parenting while she is childlike. The line has been crossed and I hope you continue to find strength to assert your dad’s / your own wishes further.
I know of two families who have used a care home like a hospice (Obviously not through Covid times). It was for them a better option than struggling. Sending you strength.

I would consider going part time rather than giving up a job altogether, I think the recession could be really bad!

I have no experience of this, but I’ve read this thread with total admiration for all of you dealing with this Kind of challenge. I’ve helped care for someone younger at the end of life and have a small appreciation of how hard it is, but there was so much more help available. I fear that this might be similar to what I face in the next five years and I hope very much that mumsnet is still this kind of community if I face 1/8 of the trials you’re facing, op.

Minty
I appreciate you're worried about you Dad - really I do. But you're sliding back, wearing yourself out, not being around for your DD, at the beck and call of your Mum. This will impact your work and you certainly don't want to loose your job.

There is no need for you to be there tomorrow re the meeting about the hoist. If you Mum doesn't want it, the carers will complain and insist upon it. If you must be there - stay with your Dad whilst the practice manager and nurse talk to your Mum. And make it clear to them you are playing no role in the care of your dad and if the carers refuse to continue with providing the high level of personal care our Dad needs, you will NOT be picking up the slack.

I totally agree, I think the time has come for your dad to be admitted. So many families think they can cope with a dying relative, and for a short while they can. But anything over a couple of weeks and it becomes untenable.

Sending strengthening vibes your way Minty

Please speak to the care home, your Mum is self centred and it's all about her

minty, do get in touch with the care home- even for respite.
Your mum is making decisions not in your dads best interests.
You cannot do what you have been. And your dm must be exhausted.
The current situation is untenable.

Hope all as ok as it can be Minty. Thinking of you.

💐🍷

Minty - I feel for you. It's very sad to watch someone you love so dearly slowly slipping away.

Don't worry about cards - you are showing how much you love him, with direct loving care and that's far far more important for the both of you. In years to come, you will think back and say 'I cared for my dad during his last illness' and you'll think of all the happy times together and I'm willing to bet, the opening of a father's day card will not feature as one of those treasured memories.

Hope you get some rest before work tomorrow

Just a thought, as it's the lack of a diagnosis that's blocking access to care can you go back to the doctor and point out what effect that is having on you and see if they will give a firm diagnosis. They've left you in a terrible position and might not know the consequences that you're living with.

I am so sorry you are going through these. I had to go through it with my Mum who was on palliative care at home. We went from 4 care visits a day to 24x7 care.

Take as much care as you can and then push for more and don't take no for an answer. Know your rights in this situation.

For your Mum, it is physically and mentally exhausting and the same for you. Once the care starts there will be some lovely carers and your Mum will get used to it and they take the pressure off so much. My Dad got used it even having to have someone in the house all night.

Your Mum will see they know what they are doing, they are really efficient and caring and it will just give your Mum a rest.

Speak to the GPs, the Community Matrons, Social Services and anyone that is there is provide support in your community and get as much help as you are entitled to for both your Dad and your Mum.

Once again I am so sorry you are going through this, it is shit but there is a whole host of people out there that can provide support.

Herbert? What is that???

Sadly it's good that you know you can't live together as you did that a few years ago. If she repeatedly brings it up etc you can be factual "that didn't work for DD and I when we tried it before so it's not an option"

KOKO

Sorry OP that all of this is so difficult. Hopefully the carers will work out for your Dad. As for your Mum, I think for now during your Father's illness, if she is that distressed & overburdened that she cannot change things for now then there is norhing you can do except support where you can. Address your concerns of her expectations of you & your DD moving in,or all living together elsewhere, down the line. If you live as close as 3 mins away on foot then surely it is not a necessary arrangement anyway. What age is your Mother?....sorry if you've said already. If she is elderly then maybe set up support arrangements sooner rather than later & in advance of any future crisis...or else it will fall to you again. Not that you begrudge your dear Father this time or care... but clearly you are finding your Mother demanding & without boundaries. Give her a little leeway now & address that later when the time is right.

OP,

I know how difficult it is, I've been through it with my Mum not too long ago. If your father is nearing end of life, all you describe sounds very similar, calling out constantly, immobile but getting out of bed, appearing to be non communicative & then wakes up in great form for a short while. It is alot but the thing is...it does not last forever. Spend your time with him whilst you can, you'll be glad of that later. Try not to think about 'after' & the worries you have about your Mum & her expectations...you are overwhelming yourself. All you can do anything about is the here & now. If there is money, pay for someone to come in if needs be. You need to have a talk with your Mum about what you can & can't do. Tell her no talk within earshot of anyone being a burden or that she can't cope. She must now be strong for her husband who needs to know she will be ok. I know it may seem harsh but you can't be there every time she wants you & you will have to get this across. Does she get out of the house at all? It sounds like she could also do with a break...would your DD take her out for a treat, she might like that, a little respite from what is happening every other waking hour. I would be reluctant to leave a 16 yr old alone overnight...maybe it is just me, but I wouldn't do it unless total emergency.

@MintyCedric i i feel your pain .

My DM became seriously ill following an operation... she ended up being in hospital for 2 months as she caught covid while there .

During this time my DF fell apart . I was supporting him daily, on the phone hours listening and carrying him mentally.

My DM has to go back into hospital as she has developed further serious illness.

I am so depleted and traumatised by everything that has been happening. My mood is low, i am tearful, very anxious and going through some sort of pre grieving process.

I have been signed off work sick and while looking after my parents am also trying to look after 3 DC , 1 of whom has recently been diagnosed with M.E.

I am terrified of losing my mum. And terrified that if anything happens to her then my DF wont cope and will want to end his life .