Dad dying, how to cope with Mum

Yes what DPotter says, if you do get unwell and incapacitated yourself to be unable to support your mum will have to accept the help and it will have to be provided. If that support is put in place before your own health is so impacted then it has to happen. I'm actually shocked that your DM is so selfish she doesn't care her demands are impacting on you and her grandchild.

Oh Minty you seem such a lovely giving person. I really feel for you.

You absolutely do need to prioritise the needs of yourself and your dd above those of your parents and to draw healthy boundaries. Your mother doesn't need to agree these boundaries (would be nice if she did!) but you need to enforce them. Counselling can be v helpful as you do need to develop skills to be able to do this.

It is not your responsibility to fix all problems for your parents.

It is your responsibility to take care of your own mental and physical health and to be a good enough (not perfect) parent to your dd.

@Dpotter is spot on.
That's good advice. If you're there, they will let you carry on.
Remove yourself and see what happens. Your parents are adults. I know it's hard. Put yourself and your daughter first.

The patient voice is all that matters and they just will not engage with anything that might make our lives more manageable.

This is exactly why you have to physically walk away.
If there is no one there to care the statutory services have to get actively involved. It's been like this for years, since I was staffing in the 1980s. You have to walk away. I worked with a lovely lady whose Mum was being discharged miles away and she couldn't get there. She was tying herself in knots thinking of ways to get to her Mum's house. The SW basically told her - if you are there when the ambulance pulls up with your Mum, you will be left with no help. If you are not there, they will take her to a place of safety. Do not be there.

Minty you're absolutely right - there's no point in taking ADs if the reason you need them is still there. You're in a shitty position - it's totally understandable why you feel like shit.

Please step away - yes it will make the situation between you and your Mum worse but really it sounds as if it's virtually at rock bottom anyway.

Don't go over tomorrow (Sunday) - tell your Mum you're ill (not feeling ill ). Spend the day resting / sleeping / taking a walk / whatever and then on Monday get an appointment with the GP and contact SS - have a script written out so you tell them everything.

Ads and counselling are only going to be of help if you can step away - sorry if I'm repeating myself, but it's the only way.

It sounds horrific. You're right, the carers voice is lost in all this.
And covid has just amplified this.
I meant to call the GP for you though. I'm worried it sounds like you're at breaking point. You do have a choice to say no.
I can't remember if you had any counselling, has this stopped now too?

I know, it's awful for you. It's the guilt and obligation that keeps you tethered to the situation. Your mum has used these tactics all her life, and they work.
You can climb out though.
Please get SS involved, properly this time. You must let go for your own health. You don't know how long this situation will persist. No agencies will do anything other than pay lip service if an adult daughter is there doing all the work.

Invent an incapacitating physical illness this evening to at least get a breathing space.
Don't allow your mother to destroy you.
Say to yourself 'this is big, but I am bigger'
You need to grasp back some agency, for your sake and your daughter's.

I have no good advice but just to give .

What you are doing is desperately hard. But if you don’t say no to your mum soon you will have a breakdown.

No words of wisdom but I had to log on and say how much I identify with your reaction to all the messages about 21 being better. I know everyone has their own issues but I hate myself for how much I hate people whose only problem is COVID stopping them meeting their family/going on holiday/whatever other jolly they are missing. Post COVID nothing will be different for me either.

Oh I'm so sorry to hear things are so bad. I was hoping you hadn't posted as you'd managed to find a balance.
It is easy to say this and I know - I do truly know - that you can't see a way out - but you can't carry on like this.
Phone social services tomorrow.
Phone your gp.
Say you're done.

Your parents need help - yes - but it doesn't have to be your burden alone.
Don't destroy yourself.

Sorry - that's a slow car crash

You vent away as much as you want to Minty

I first commented on your thread way back in the beginning. I advised then to step away and you were able to. It's so easy to get sucked back in. All the time your are coping (oh how I hate that word) you will be left to get on with it, especially as your Mum has strong views.

I think contacting your GP as soon as surgeries open is a really good idea and when he or she asks what you want - say you want to his / her permission to step away. In fact you want a straight instruction to step away.

Your daughter needs you and you need to be healthy for her.
I think I mentioned way back that this type of situation is a slow care crash - everyone can see what's happening but can do nothing about it until the inevitable happens. Step away - give whatever excuse you want to your parents. If you have the energy inform SS that your father is vulnerable and being neglected and that you are beyond being able to help. then it's on them.

I know it's easy for me to say and oh so difficult for you to do. You are be definition the living example of doing a thankless task. Please for your daughter - step away

I'm so sorry OP I totally get what you mean by your mum being an emotionally needy dementor. I have zero advice as we are in different countries and all I can do is let my (childless) sister vent at me and my brother, both half the globe away. You are doing everything you can. Take care of yourself.

Respite for your dad not a great idea then! But respite for you is what’s needed, definitely.

Can you tell your mum your GP has advised you need a week to rest, and advised you to arrange extra carers otherwise you’re at risk of a breakdown? Would she listen to the voice of authority from a GP regarding you?

Otherwise, no reason why you can’t be track and traced... except it won’t give you the planned break so more panic whilst things are arranged last minute?