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Original poster

Dad dying, how to cope with Mum

819 replies

MintyCedric · 28/04/2020 23:35

I was on here about a year ago after my dad had a bad fall and broke 4 vertebrae.

To cut a long story short, although there was no spinal cord damage and we got him home after 7 weeks, he never really recovered and his health and wellbeing has been on a downward trajectory ever since.

Shortly after lockdown he became largely bedridden (other than going to the bathroom) due to weight loss and lack of strength/balance. Verdict of 2 x GPs and practice nurse is that it's likely he has some kind of late stage gastrointestinal cancer and a prognosis of a couple of months at best.

Over the last week has been struggling to get to the bathroom (he has a commode and portable urinals in his room.but I've had to hold him up to use the latter. Today he made it out to the loo but I had to lift him off it).

Mum seems to be somewhat in denial and is not really managing to make any decisions about equipment and carers, and emotionally is utterly exhausting.

I'm visiting them almost daily, sometimes for several hours or more than once, but feel I'm spending all my time propping mum up. I want to be supportive but I'm also trying to work from home, keep an eye on 15yo DD (who is great but starting to forget what I look like), keep my own home/paperwork under control and look after myself (which is frankly a lost cause).

I feel guilty as hell for both resenting Mums demands on my time and brain space, and also because I'm dealing with the dad aspect on autopilot and have barely cried or even begun to process the situation.

I imagine my mum's emotional demands will only get worse and feel like my life is basically going to be over for the foreseeable future. I'm terrified I'm going to have give up work and my home to care for her and although I love her dearly, we are like chalk and cheese and I just don't think I could cope.

OP posts:
CMOTDibbler · 08/07/2020 13:40

Oh sweetheart, I so know that feeling of there being no escape from it all. But you have to look after yourself in order to cope long term, and that means having a proper break to recharge.
Something that has helped me along the road is thinking 'what could I realistically do for 10 years while remaining sane and giving ds the childhood he deserves'. And then firmly sticking to that. Now both my parents are dead, and I don't have a single regret about the stance I took, and know that it led to a sustainable position for them to the end.

Your mum doesn't get to put everything on you, and you can push back to not dance to her tune. You and your dd must come first

Original poster
MintyCedric · 08/07/2020 13:15

I'm staying over tonight as its mum's birthday.

In two weeks I'll be summer hols but how the hell is that going to work. I need a proper break from all of it but I cant even have a conversation with mum about it.

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Original poster
MintyCedric · 08/07/2020 13:13

I've had good cry and am feeling slightly better.

It's the whole situation not just mum. Workload is increasing, dad is much the same but now they have pretty much written off the original diagnosis in favour of old age/frailty so we could be in this boat for months or, who know, may be longer.

Even when I'm not there I'm constantly on edge, making calls to check in, out of the loop now with the professionals that are checking in, and always waiting for the next phone call from mum with some kind of crisis.

It really doesn't matter where dad goes, because there will still be mum to deal with, and even though there are options for her you can bet that won't be straightforward.

I'm basically trapped until they are both no longer here, which could be another 5-10 years. I feel like I only exist for other people.

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DPotter · 08/07/2020 12:47

Minty
Are you being pulled back in? From your updates that's what it sounds like to me. Apologies if I'm wrong.
If not....

take a deep breath and step back.

No more over nights - you're working. you can't afford to loose your job. you have a DD. She can't afford for you to loose your job.

Remember what I said - all the time you are there, the statutory services will let you get on with it. Your Mum will definitely let you get on with it.

One more phone call to the GP surgery - tell them you're stepping back. The situation is shit and you can't help anymore. Your DM is unable to cope and your Dad needs admitting to somewhere now, today. Don't negotiate. Just tell them and then say Goodbye and hang up. If nothing doing by this evening - call 999.
Sorry but there are times when you have to stamp your feet, turn on the tears and play hard ball. And yes I know I'm mixing my metaphors.
And most importantly - NO MORE OVERNIGHTS.
There - you can blame some bossy woman on the internet. Please promise me - no more overnights, please.

CMOTDibbler · 08/07/2020 12:45

What's happened now? You don't have to live your life in despair, no matter how it feels like it xxxx

Original poster
MintyCedric · 08/07/2020 11:55

Losing the will to live again...think I'm just going to have to accept that's the way it is from now on.

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Grinchlywords · 03/07/2020 20:22

Minty. So glad you have more help.

Hard as it may be though you must distance yourself.

ThanksThanks

Original poster
MintyCedric · 03/07/2020 14:14

Still no news about a social worker or respite care but apparently the community nurse is coming out on Tuesday (which is a bit of a pain as I'll be at work but then maybe that's not a bad thing).

Stayed over last night, got here at 5.30pm and it's been OK but I'm still here as mum had medical appointments this morning and couldn't leave dad on his own. She's back now and I'm desperate to get home but don't want to cause offence and need to try and get him on the commode before I leave.

Anyway, minor moan as otherwise (touch wood) things have been pretty steady for the last few days. Fingers crossed for a full day at home writing with my cats tomorrow!

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Weenurse · 03/07/2020 10:49

Good to hear, I hoe things settle a bit for you

AvengingGerbil · 02/07/2020 14:40

Glad your week is going a bit better Minty.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 01/07/2020 12:52

Well notwithstanding an emergency visit Monday evening to get Dad on the commode...it's all running a bit smoother this week, touch wood.

I've been in work the last couple of days so just giving them a call of an evening.

Dad's companion carer has been round for two hours so I've just had Mum round to me for cake and coffee and a fuss of the cats which went really well.

No news on social worker or respite care yet but will follow that up at the end of the week or next Tuesday when we're due a visit from community nurse.

Hope everyone else is having a reasonably week so far.

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MereDintofPandiculation · 29/06/2020 10:10

Am starting to think she's worse the more I do! Probably! Draw your lesson from that.

I'm actually a bit past the point of caring at the moment. Hang on to that feeling. It'll help protect you.

I think over the years she's kind of trained this knee-jerk, drop everything reaction and guilt complex into me and I need to break away from that. People learn how to cope. If she didn't have much scope as a woman then passive aggressive guilt tripping may have seemed the only effective way to persuade people to help her.` Sometimes finding an explanation for unpleasant behaviour makes it easier to avoid being emotionally affected by it.

DPotter · 29/06/2020 02:39

Am starting to think she's worse the more I do!

I think you're right.

Absolutely step back.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 28/06/2020 14:13

Who knows?! I'm actually a bit past the point of caring at the moment.

I vaguely remember going through this last year when dad was in/just out of hospital. I got through it then with the help of counselling so it can be done.

I think over the years she's kind of trained this knee-jerk, drop everything reaction and guilt complex into me and I need to break away from that.

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RandomMess · 28/06/2020 14:09

The more you do I guess the more she has to go OTT and create the drama so it's all about her...

Perhaps she doesn't like you sharing the load as then she can't be the put upon devoted hard done by wife getting zero help?

Original poster
MintyCedric · 28/06/2020 13:42

She's on reasonable form today. Am starting to think she's worse the more I do!

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MereDintofPandiculation · 28/06/2020 12:44

The difficult thing is I can't tell if she's doing it on purpose, panicking and therefore a bit fuzzy or actually losing the plot. Shelve that question. It doesn't matter at the moment. Just worry on what the inputs and outputs are, the concrete results of your actions, "If I do this, she will do this, and I can manage that result by doing this"

MereDintofPandiculation · 28/06/2020 12:40

Your mum is feeling sorry for herself. But it's her problem. You can help her solve it by talking her through the options available, but she can't demand that you are her carer. And if you want to keep your own health you need to reserve yourself for the jobs no-one else can do (like talking through options with her) and refuse to do anything that can be outsourced.

It helps if you can train yourself to detach emotionally. Pretend she is a lab rat - observe what you do and what her reaction is and mentally file it away in a Results folder.

And I love Dibbler's flow chart - like an in-family 111 service Grin

CMOTDibbler · 27/06/2020 15:41

What Knotaknitter said - much as I feel for your mum, pulling all this passive aggressive stuff just isn't on. If she 'can't remember' what has been agreed (for whatever reason), then maybe you could get a whiteboard and write things on there. My dad couldn't get what would constitute something that warranted calling an ambulance for mum (or phoning me at all hours) so we did a large, laminated flow chart for him that he could follow even when totally flapping. And if he phoned me, I could just ask him what the flowchart said.
My dh has a tactic for dealing with people being verbally abusive or trying manipulation called the fuckit bucket. Just let the crap slide off you (invoke the protective power of MN) and put it in the bucket where it belongs. And feel my hugs from afar Flowers Wine Gin

Knotaknitter · 27/06/2020 14:59

"Don't rush round, enjoy your lie in (guilt, guilt)" Don't pretend that you didn't see the message - you listened to the message and followed the instructions. If you take it literally each and every time she says something where she means the reverse then it falls down. She can't come out and say that she meant the reverse of she said and was only saying it to guilt trip you but what she can do is to stop doing it.

I'm assuming she's flapping so you will sail in and rescue her from her having to sort things out for herself. This is the carers job, it's what they are there for but she doesn't want carers, she wants you. You have a daughter who needs you and that (and your health) has to be your first responsibility. It's not your job to parent your mother. She has people to help her with looking after her husband, you don't have anyone to help you look after your daughter.

DM has her choices, she doesn't get to make yours for you. If she wants to be up and down stairs all day rather than sit upstairs that's her choice. If she doesn't want one of the care visits then she can choose to do that work but she doesn't get to choose that you do it. You are not her parent, it's not your job to make her happy and you aren't her third hand.

RandomMess · 27/06/2020 14:59

Ignore and let the professionals work it out... if she stops being rescued respite may become a faster reality...

Hugs Thanks

Original poster
MintyCedric · 27/06/2020 14:30

Passive aggressive message this morning and now a phone call.

I am trying to detach but it's hard, although...

Message was along the lines of 'been up with dad since 5, think he's pooped the bed but don't rush round, you just enjoy your lie in and don't worry about us. The carers will have to deal with it when they get here in 2HOURS"

Well knowing mum constantly thinks he's pooed when he hasn't and taking into account this is what he agreed with the OT yesterday and that carers are much more likely to deal with that safely and efficiently than I am, I chose to pretend I hadn't seen that message.

Shes just called flapping because the carers wont lift him on to the commode (again agreed yesterday) and the schedule she has for next week doesn't reflect what was changed yesterday but, as she received it by post yesterday of course it won't!

The difficult thing is I can't tell if she's doing it on purpose, panicking and therefore a bit fuzzy or actually losing the plot.

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Weenurse · 26/06/2020 23:49

Wine, cheesecake and a cat.
You have the important bases covered.🍰🍷

CMOTDibbler · 26/06/2020 20:55

She sounds fantastic

Original poster
MintyCedric · 26/06/2020 20:14

I am at least very lucky that DD is incredible. A bit more help around the house would be nice but shell help out with most things with prompting, and I never, ever have to nag her about getting up or schoolwork.

She back in 2 days a week since last week and after 3 months of lockdown and sleep all over the place she's been up every morning, got herself ready, packed a lunch and been good to go on time. Kept up with all her work from home too.

She just popped to the shops to get us cheesecake!

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