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Original poster

Dad dying, how to cope with Mum

819 replies

MintyCedric · 28/04/2020 23:35

I was on here about a year ago after my dad had a bad fall and broke 4 vertebrae.

To cut a long story short, although there was no spinal cord damage and we got him home after 7 weeks, he never really recovered and his health and wellbeing has been on a downward trajectory ever since.

Shortly after lockdown he became largely bedridden (other than going to the bathroom) due to weight loss and lack of strength/balance. Verdict of 2 x GPs and practice nurse is that it's likely he has some kind of late stage gastrointestinal cancer and a prognosis of a couple of months at best.

Over the last week has been struggling to get to the bathroom (he has a commode and portable urinals in his room.but I've had to hold him up to use the latter. Today he made it out to the loo but I had to lift him off it).

Mum seems to be somewhat in denial and is not really managing to make any decisions about equipment and carers, and emotionally is utterly exhausting.

I'm visiting them almost daily, sometimes for several hours or more than once, but feel I'm spending all my time propping mum up. I want to be supportive but I'm also trying to work from home, keep an eye on 15yo DD (who is great but starting to forget what I look like), keep my own home/paperwork under control and look after myself (which is frankly a lost cause).

I feel guilty as hell for both resenting Mums demands on my time and brain space, and also because I'm dealing with the dad aspect on autopilot and have barely cried or even begun to process the situation.

I imagine my mum's emotional demands will only get worse and feel like my life is basically going to be over for the foreseeable future. I'm terrified I'm going to have give up work and my home to care for her and although I love her dearly, we are like chalk and cheese and I just don't think I could cope.

OP posts:
Original poster
MintyCedric · 09/08/2020 23:17

Knot yeah, I'm sure I'm not the only one...more than 48 hours would do at the moment.

I am pinning my hopes on 2022...Harrogate Crime Festival followed by a week in aforementioned holiday cottage...bliss.

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Knotaknitter · 09/08/2020 20:55

What I really want is to go away somewhere for a week or two and just not have to think about anyone else, but thats not going to happen any time soon!

That is my dream, the one where I quit being a responsible adult and take off by myself. I suspect that it's a common fantasy for those of us who spend our waking hours feeling responsible for others.

DPotter · 09/08/2020 19:56

Pleased you're feeling a bit better.

Don't stress about your DD and her GCSEs. My DD didn't want to arrange anything too far ahead and didn't want the distraction of being somewhere nice with all the temptations of nice visits and stuff. Home may be better. As for foreign holidays next year - who knows ?

Original poster
MintyCedric · 09/08/2020 19:32

@flygirl767 sorry you've made no more progress with your mum, hope she's doing OK now.

You're right of course, the home is lovely, its just the transition and anxiety about the unknown really.

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Original poster
MintyCedric · 09/08/2020 19:31

Thanks all.

Feeling better than I was although a bit hacked off with DD.

Suggested booking the holiday cottage I love next spring, she could take her GCSE revision while I mooch around and we can eat together and hang out in the hot tub of an evening.

All I got was a barrage of whinging about wanting to do something more exciting after her exams next summer (which was the original plan but with virus is looking vanishingly unlikely).

At the risk of sounding like my mum, I just wish someone would think of me for 5 bloody minutes.

I'm quite tempted to just go on my own and ahe can stay here. She'll be 16.5 by then so could do some nights with her dad and Bob back and forth to see to the cats.

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Rinsefirst · 09/08/2020 18:40

DF won’t need too much gear to begin with... Just a toilet bag with shave gear and shower gel. Then maybe four pairs pjs and four day outfits and soft shoes. A lot will depend on whether they are doing his laundry. Maybe a new electric fan so it doesn’t need Pat testing if especially hot.
Some sweets perhaps.

flygirl767 · 09/08/2020 18:29

Hi @MintyCedric just popped on to say hope all goes well tomorrow. I know how worried you are but once you dad is in that lovely home, you will know there will be no dramas regarding his care.

I do agree with pp's though that you should not start staying over once your dad has gone to the CH. Maybe stay and have dinner with her but tell her that you need to go home (make up a reason if you like) but once you stay once, I can see her insisting you stay every night. You must not do this, for your MH and also for her..she needs to get used to being alone. Yes it will be hard at first but everyone has to go through this at some point, what if you didn't live close by? She would have to cope.

Please let me know how your dad settles in, I am still no nearer getting mum a room there as SS are dragging their feet with the placement! x

DPotter · 09/08/2020 17:51

Hi Minty
Sorry you're having a bad day. I only just saw your post - sorry you've been left.

If your dad is having a bad time of it, call an ambulance - get some professional input.
If your Mum is having a hissy fit - leave her to it. If you think she wont care for your Dad when you're not there - call an ambulance.

Remember you do not have to do this by yourself. There are services to help you - you need to ask for help. And we are here to support you.

Remember - step back. It will be difficult - you've had a life time of being sucked in. Maybe day dream about how you could tell your Mum that she is killing any love, care and respect you once held for you with her behaviour.

Once your Dad is in respite - tell your Mum your phone is turned off, even if you need it on for your DD. This will be respite for you as well. Leave her be.

I'll keep a close eye on MN this evening, watching out for you. Hugs

Original poster
MintyCedric · 09/08/2020 17:51

I can't even plan anything for myself at the moment, and have completely lost my writing mojo. It's been weeks since I've had a whole day at home to myself which is something I absolutely rely on for my mental health. Not entirely parent's issues but also DD/XH relationship and logistics putting a spanner in the works.

I can already feel the relentless march of 'back to school' creeping up on me, which isn't pleasant at the best of times.

DD's boyfriend is coming to visit this week, so that will be a mixed blessing as he's staying with XH and she's splitting her time between here and there so don't know how much taxiing about will be required but hopefully I will get some space.

Dad's going into the home tomorrow. We haven't been given any details of what he should take, don't know what time transport is coming or if one of us can go with him or would be better to visit later once they've got home settled. Mum is already struggling, but I've resisted mentioning staying tomorrow. I'm not ruling it out though, because I'll be just as stressed at home worrying about her anyway - it's impossible to switch off. She said to me today 'at least you get to walk away and go home' but mentally it just doesn't work like that. Will just see how things go. I may have norovirus for a few days next week though Wink.

Ranting aside I don't feel quite so desperate as I di earlier. I guess it will juts be swings and roundabouts. What I really want is to go away somewhere for a week or two and just not have to think about anyone else, but thats not going to happen any time soon!

OP posts:
Rinsefirst · 09/08/2020 17:44

Minty we are all in your corner following your thread. It’s not a surprise you are at overload. You’ve had one of the toughest gigs on the EP forum over lockdown. This week there’s a very good chance it’s going to get better. You and DD deserve a break Flowers

thesandwich · 09/08/2020 14:32

Oh minty I’m sorry. Please be kind to yourself. This will end, this too shall pass. Hang on to the things you love- your dd, your writing and your life.
Better days will come. Get your dad into respite. Give yourself a break from your mum.
Your mum will consume you if you let her. You deserve more.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 09/08/2020 14:29

Anyone fancy shooting me a few word encouragement because today it feels like this is never going to end and I don't think I can cope with any of it for much longer.

It's the most fucking awful thing to think but I just wish I could wake up tomorrow and it all be over, with both of them.

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thesandwich · 08/08/2020 22:09

Echo everyone else! DO NOT STAY MONDAY.
Find a reason to be home. Setting precedents.

forrestgreen · 08/08/2020 16:35

Nope do not stay over. She's a grown woman who has moaned about the demands dad has been making on her. She's due an undisturbed nights sleep!

ny20005 · 08/08/2020 15:22

@MintyCedric

Please use this time to have a complete rest . Your mum is able to look after herself & if you rush round to emotional support her, she'll keep on looking for you to help her cope & it will only get worse

TheSparklyPussycat · 08/08/2020 15:12

Delurking to second Knotaknitter and DPotter.

DPotter · 08/08/2020 14:21

She'll be fine by herself.

Honestly Minty, you need to step back. She'll be thinking if you stay one night, why can't you stay a second. How will your presence for one night stop her being an absolute wreck on another night. Start as you mean to go on and turn your phone off over night.

You have have done more than your bit - now you need to use the respite care for you. Precious little point putting your Dad in respite if you're still sleeping over at your parents. The respite is as much for you, as your Mum and your Dad.

If she's expecting it - put a line in the sand straight away.

Please seriously reconsider this decision. If you don't trust us, ask your friend - the one who came over a few evenings back. Sounds like she has the measure of her.
Seriously - I'm serious about this.

Knotaknitter · 08/08/2020 14:10

She is a functioning adult, she'll manage. Yes, it sounds harsh but I got on with it when my husband died because that's just what you do. She's creating a situation that you can rush in and rescue her from. She's not six, she doesn't need a grown up to sort things out because she is the grown up. In this scenario this should be all about your dad but she's doing her best to make it all about her. Have a tactical migraine if that's what it needs, probably brought on by stress.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 08/08/2020 12:09

Because it'll be her first night without dad there and she will be an absolute wreck.

I'd rather do that, feel I've done my bit and then get a good couple of days off together when DD is out and about and I can actually have my house to myself for 24 hours which hasn't happened in over a year.

I may not mention to her that that's what I'm planning so I have an out if she's a complete psycho and don't feel able to cope with her!

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DPotter · 08/08/2020 12:03

Sorry - did I miss read - you're going to stay over at your Mum's on Monday night? If I miss read - sorry, but if this is the case - WHY???

There's absolutely no need for it. Go home, have an evening with your DD or your writing, watching TV trash, whatever.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 08/08/2020 11:23

I know I'm NBU but its still hard not to listen to the insidious voice of FOG in my head.

Have checked in this morning. They're OK, mum was going to try and have a rest/sleep and said she might turn the phone off so I've said ill wait to hear from her later.

She's got friends coming on Tuesday to visit her and take her to see dad, I'll do round Monday and we'll pop up and check he's settled and it'll stay over that first night with her, then hopefully Tues pm - Thurs PM will get some free time.

DD's boyfriend is coming to visit so she'll be staying at her Dads Weds/Thurs as he's staying there (our spare room is an office rather than a bedroom and they're certainly not sharing!)

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Knotaknitter · 08/08/2020 11:06

It's easy to have a reality check when you can talk to someone who is outside the drama. When you think one of you is being unreasonable but you're not sure who it is you can get a second opinion. (Although I'd go out on a limb here and say it's not going to be you that's the unreasonable one)

Original poster
MintyCedric · 08/08/2020 10:32

I'm doing better with the grey rock type responses thanks to this thread.

Having best mate round last night was great too, had a good cry and a rant, drank too much, ate pizza and watched a funny chicken flick...all very much needed!

And yes, my RL world is tiny at the moment. Without t'internet and my writing I think I'd have gone insane by now.

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forrestgreen · 08/08/2020 10:29

You need set answers to her drama, we'll practised in your head but that don't draw you in too much.
"Oh no, that's a shame, what have you done to try to cheer yourself up"
Oh dear, what a shame, you need to go for some fresh air in the garden"
Or if she the type to tell you why your ideas are stupid, then just leave it at "oh dear, what a shame" and keep it on repeat

Candleabra · 08/08/2020 10:10

I'm glad to hear about the therapy too. It'll help.
Be honest in there though, no need for a brave face. Not easy when you're one of life's copers.