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Elderly parents
Original poster

Dad dying, how to cope with Mum

819 replies

MintyCedric · 28/04/2020 23:35

I was on here about a year ago after my dad had a bad fall and broke 4 vertebrae.

To cut a long story short, although there was no spinal cord damage and we got him home after 7 weeks, he never really recovered and his health and wellbeing has been on a downward trajectory ever since.

Shortly after lockdown he became largely bedridden (other than going to the bathroom) due to weight loss and lack of strength/balance. Verdict of 2 x GPs and practice nurse is that it's likely he has some kind of late stage gastrointestinal cancer and a prognosis of a couple of months at best.

Over the last week has been struggling to get to the bathroom (he has a commode and portable urinals in his room.but I've had to hold him up to use the latter. Today he made it out to the loo but I had to lift him off it).

Mum seems to be somewhat in denial and is not really managing to make any decisions about equipment and carers, and emotionally is utterly exhausting.

I'm visiting them almost daily, sometimes for several hours or more than once, but feel I'm spending all my time propping mum up. I want to be supportive but I'm also trying to work from home, keep an eye on 15yo DD (who is great but starting to forget what I look like), keep my own home/paperwork under control and look after myself (which is frankly a lost cause).

I feel guilty as hell for both resenting Mums demands on my time and brain space, and also because I'm dealing with the dad aspect on autopilot and have barely cried or even begun to process the situation.

I imagine my mum's emotional demands will only get worse and feel like my life is basically going to be over for the foreseeable future. I'm terrified I'm going to have give up work and my home to care for her and although I love her dearly, we are like chalk and cheese and I just don't think I could cope.

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RandomMess · 19/03/2021 11:20

@MintyCedric oh Minty I lost this thread. I hope you are as well as can be under the circumstances.

Thanks
KeepMePosted · 19/03/2021 10:43

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user643289 · 11/03/2021 01:26

Hope you're okay @MintyCedric
Have been reading/ lurking from the beginning.

Bettafish · 27/02/2021 11:22

I'm also going to be looking into pressure groups that campaign for euthanasia to be legalised...you wouldn't let an animal exist in the condition my dad is in. It's heartbreaking and so, so wrong.

@MintyCedric. This is a good pressure group

www.dignityindying.org.uk

This is its sister organisation

compassionindying.org.uk/making-decisions-and-planning-your-care/

user643289 · 27/02/2021 11:16

How are you doing? @MintyCedric

Candleabra · 25/01/2021 20:32

I was also wondering how you are @MintyCedric

justilou1 · 20/01/2021 21:55

Hi @MintyCedric... just checking in on you to see how things are for you this week.

RuthTopp · 05/01/2021 07:54

Yes he definitely falls into the ' a bit crap ' group l

Original poster
MintyCedric · 05/01/2021 00:35

@RuthTopp that's who I've signed up for emails with and am following on FB.

Is your MP generally a bit crap?

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RuthTopp · 04/01/2021 22:56

@mintyCedric
Look up Dignity in Dying . They are a group who are very pro choice. They inform you of the latest information / UK stance on the subject.
I've emailed my local MP a few times at their request for him to attend a meeting in the House of Commons. Both times I've received a letter saying he was at another so unable to attend.

AcornAutumn · 04/01/2021 22:36

Totally agree re euthanasia

I hope the benzos will help. Different situation but when my dad had cancer, the doctors refused to admit he was dying till about 15 hours before he died, so I had to aggressively request tranx. The nurses backed me up, bless them.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 04/01/2021 17:03

It seems to me more inhumane to leave someone to suffer for 5 years than for 6 months; and mental pain is as important.

Exactly.

GP actually came out to day in person today Shock.

He's going to prescribe some kind of benzodiazepines for when dad gets agitated but otherwise there is nothing they can do...we just have to get on with it. He's not 'unwell' as such, there's no point having more carers in as his needs can't be timed, if he goes into a care home we'll be unable to see him and in GPs opinion he would be at higher rick of Covid (our county is only getting the first roll out of vaccines this week).

He did give us both a lecture on taking care of ourselves although I doubt how much of that has sank in with mum.

On a cheerier note, dad was on form for a bit requested a chicken wrap for lunch (God knows why, I don't think mum has ever made him one in her life and I haven't for about 3 years at least). In the end he had blue brie with brown bread, Christmas cake and cuppa and we watched a wildlife video together.

I'm taking him round a chicken wrap for lunch tomorrow, and a portion of tonight's duck stir fry for his dinner.

I actually love looking after dad for the most part, it's all the other crap around it and coping with mum that drives me up the wall.

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MereDintofPandiculation · 04/01/2021 12:07

I'm also going to be looking into pressure groups that campaign for euthanasia to be legalised...you wouldn't let an animal exist in the condition my dad is in.

Agreed. Trouble is, any move is likely to be limited to those suffering physical pain and having less than 6 months to live. It seems to me more inhumane to leave someone to suffer for 5 years than for 6 months; and mental pain is as important.

ny20005 · 04/01/2021 08:15

Care for the elderly has always been awful & is pretty much non existent since covid.

If there is anyone at all to do anything, social care is removed. Please for your own sake & your daughters, step back. Only your mum can decide to pay for more care & you

Flora's voice on fb is a group campaigning for end of life

JamieLeesCurtains · 04/01/2021 02:37

I'm also going to be looking into pressure groups that campaign for euthanasia to be legalised...you wouldn't let an animal exist in the condition my dad is in. It's heartbreaking and so, so wrong.

I really understand this, and would further support the decriminalisation of assisted suicide - ie that anyone who is kind enough to help a person willingly leave this world painlessly, peacefully and professionally shouldn't be prosecuted.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP Flowers

DPotter · 04/01/2021 02:08

So pleased your written piece was well received - that must have given you a very big boost.

Care in the community of the elderly, infirm and disabled has always been under-funded and has always depended upon family - always.

Sorry if I sound like a stuck record but if someone has a relative, neighbour, distant cousin, former work colleague whose willing at first to go in a make a cup of tea once a fortnight - the statutory services will disappear faster then you can dial 999. The situation was bad before Covid - now well sadly you are seeing the appalling situation. Your parents would be much better off if you spent to same amount of time on the phone to GPS, social services, local charities etc that you spend at their house.

That's why I have been saying from the beginning to step away. It's harsh but it's the only way to get any support.

I feel your anger. Use it positively. Step away from direct care and start a campaign to get your dad the care he needs.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 03/01/2021 23:57

I'm actually starting to get angry about it now rather than just feeling utterly despair.

I actually videoed my dad today...absolutely hated doing it, but how many other people are in the same boat?

Awareness needs raising of how our elderly people and our carers are being failed, and although the pandemic has no doubt made it worse, I bet a lot of this was going of previously. Susoect the difference is that pre-Covid charities and community groups were picking up a lot of the slack which is no longer possible.

I'm also going to be looking into pressure groups that campaign for euthanasia to be legalised...you wouldn't let an animal exist in the condition my dad is in. It's heartbreaking and so, so wrong.

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thesandwich · 03/01/2021 22:08

Good to hear you got some writing done and posted.
I think you are on to something.....a piece about support for oldies, impact of access/ perceived unavailability/ fear and impact on the carers.... might be a good outlet for you too.

Original poster
MintyCedric · 03/01/2021 21:44

Does anyone else find that the already not brilliant resources for olds/carers have deteriorated further since Covid?

I am wondering about writing a feature on it and seeing if I can get it in the national press.

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Original poster
MintyCedric · 03/01/2021 21:41

@justilou1 I'm sorry you've been through this too.

Thanks all again for your support. Am feeling much better than I was, not least for having been home since Friday lunchtime. Hopefully will have a bit more structure this week which will me to capitalise on my 'time off'.

I managed to finish and post a fanfiction I'd been working on yesterday which was really well received and reconnected with few friends from that part of the internet, so that was a really nice boost.

Spent far too much time sleeping and cba to cook so got takeaway but such is life.

Visited today...Dad was briefly quite 'with it' and communicative...told me he wanted a Chinese for dinner ('from the shop...don't let your mum cook it') and a glass of white wine. Then asked for tea and cake by way of lunch. Mum didn't have anything in so I popped home and got home some Wensleydale and Christmas cake which he ate a bit of, before having a sleep.

Then he called out for me...and so commenced a couple of hours of semi-conscious, distressed ramblings about how he can't go on, wants to die, asking us to call the GP or an ambulance but not specifically stating he's unwell.

Called the end of life team in the end. They have put in a request for a GP visit from our surgery and got out of hours to call, who helpfully gave me a lecture about how under pressure the NHS at the mo Hmm.

The overall impression they give is 'we've got enough on our plates, why are you expecting us to bother with an 82yo who can be made comfortable/zonked out with drugs?'

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justilou1 · 03/01/2021 21:03

Hi @MintyCedric- I was following you before, but fell off mumsnet for a while and lost you. I’m so sorry that your situation is still continuing and e NHS madness and lack of support for your dad is leaving you high and dry and so stressed. Your mum’s situation is her own doing though. Unfortunately it does affect your dad and you. My mum was the same. I understand. (Although I didn’t have Covid to deal with...) My dad had MND, and lived longer than expected as well.

DPotter · 03/01/2021 14:16

Hope you slept better and are feeling better today @MintyCedric

Knotaknitter · 02/01/2021 11:26

It's really easy to lose sight of who it is that is being unreasonable and for that you sometimes need someone outside of the situation to provide their perspective. If your mum is a functional adult then she doesn't need parenting, she can sort out her own problems. It is not your responsibility to manage her life for her. It sounds like you are taking care of everyone but there's no-one taking care of you.

If you have five minutes to call your mum then do that. If she wants to complain for an hour it doesn't mean that it has to be to you. My husband always used to call his mother when driving because it meant that there would be an absolute limit on the length of the call and he had an excuse to get off earlier if he needed to.

AcornAutumn · 02/01/2021 11:20

@MintyCedric

In fact I was so desperate I was even jealous of people who were admitted to hospital as at least they'd have a break. I know that's an awful thing to say.

I have felt like that too. And occasionally when mum throws it at me that I have friends who have long since lost both their parents, I just feel envious Sad and then horrendously guilty and wicked.

I understand your envy Flowers
Original poster
MintyCedric · 02/01/2021 11:17

I'm actually shocked that your DM is so selfish she doesn't care her demands are impacting on you and her grandchild.

She is very self-obsessed which I think is a symptom of the situation and the fact her world is arguable even smaller than mine right now.

What really irks me is that she seems to think because DD is 16 I can just let her get on with it and devote all my time and attention to her instead. This has already gone badly wrong once this year, and although DD sees her Dad he's not the most emotionally intelligent pea in the pod and she doesn't get on with his partner so we can't really rely on them for support.

There's also the oversharing of personal stuff without any consideration of the fact that I'm dealing with the deterioration and ultimately the loss of dad who I absolutely adore.

I think she is somewhat jealous of my relationships with him and DD. She and her mum were very close and alike and I think she assumed having a daughter would guarantee the same for her, but I am completely my father's daughter, whilst at the same time having the closeness with my DD that she wishes we had.

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