Dad, aged 90 + is begging me to visit

I think the carers were just following the government guidelines op.Enjoy seeing him, i think ill pick up my vulnerable relative for the funeral x

Go and see him
He’s vulnerable
Keep your distance

The ones in their ‘70’s are still shopping etc. They are not isolating. They are allowed to do that. It's only people on the shielding list who can't shop.

Some people in their 70s are caring for their parents in their 90s.

If you are well and have been isolating as much as possible (wfh, minimal shopping and no interaction), then I would visit & keep a couple of metres away from him. Take your own garden chair & flask.

What is your job situation op?
Front line NHS worker? Probably not.
Wfh/ furlough / retired etc then is talk to him and go. Agree he unlocks the door and you sure opposite sides of the room. Take a flask and drink from your own cup. Wipe the handles etc that you touch.

Anyone who is having carers in is extremely vulnerable already.
Hard to know why you wouldn't go tbh
Have you spoken to him about what he wants? He may decide the value of your visit outweighs the risk and that could be the basis on how you proceed?
Unless he has dementia an honest conversation needs to occur unless you are concerned fir your own safety due to his carers which is a different issue I guess

Agree with PP mental health is also health. Go visit dad. At 90+ his call for you to visit is his choosing of the quality or quantity of life. Go fulfil dads happiness.

Just go and see him x

Totally agree with everyone. What are the rules on travelling 85 miles there and back to see my 84 year old mum. We have been assuming NO as she is on the vulnerable list.

I would visit, he is 90 plus he could pass away any time!! Just think how you would feel If he passed with natural causes and you had not seen him for months.

I wouldn't hesitate in going to see him.

I would visit him, I have to say. I know some will berate me and tell me that it is against the "roolz", or their version of them.

At 90 though, you really don't know how long he has left so there is a balance to be struck.

I feel I have a similar issue with my 85 year old parents. My Dad is in the shielded category due to severe COPD and my Mum is very immobile due to osteoporosis and probably arthritis too. My Dad is actually her carer and I live a three hour drive away. She had to be taken to hospital by ambulance the other day, but is thankfully home now. It felt scary at the time though.

They are trying to follow the guidelines given in my Dad's letter to shield, and he is a man who does love a rule. They don't want visitors, although we would all love to see each other. I really hope I can get to see them both again before it really is too late.

If your Dad wants you to go then go. Don't regret not going. Call it helping to care for a vulnerable family member and keeping them safe.

I would go. I do my mums shopping (76) but she goes in the sitting room while I put it on her kitchen counter (new gloves, mask on etc) then go to the garden. She has a beautiful little town centre garden and I sit in "my chair" which she never touches and she sits on hers. The other day she left me a glass of wine in the kitchen which I drank in the garden with her as it's my my late dads birthday. The glass is probably still there where i left it and she will get it in a week or so. It's really important to me to see her as it is VITAL for her mental health. I have taught her how to Houseparty and that's a good thing too although she jumps in shock everyone it connects and then laughs like a drain for about 5 minutes before speaking. I love that.

Weve had a family berevement. Im thinking about visiting a vulnerable relative whos not coping well emotionally.

Assess the risks vs the benefit. Clearly he isn’t going to infect you. What do you think the risks are of you infecting him? Can you mitigate those risks? Stay 2m away from him for airborne risks, lots of hand hygiene (sanitiser/washing) and minimise surfaces touched to avoid passing it that way. What other risks are involved? Have a serious think then make your decision. (FWIW I’d definitely be going).

My mother is nearly 90 and lives alone. I visit once a week with a newspaper and groceries, use the side gate and sit in the garden for a few minutes, more than two metres away. It pains her that she can't make me tea, but I don't go into her house or touch anything of hers. My sister does the same midweek and we're the only two people age actually sees.

We do loads with her online, especially Words With Friends - she does ballet and art classes for mature people on YouTube, we do WhatsApp video calls on Sundays to make her feel in touch with us, if any of that would help? (Maybe not the ballet).

I wouldn’t think sheltered accommodation would be welcoming of visitors?

Could he come live with you?

My DM is 88 and says she is isolating. She is not!

She has had a group of 4 friends round to her house twice. She thinks because they sit in the garden this is ok. She only told me this was happening because she was a bit concerned as 2 of them needed to use her toilet.
The ones in their ‘70’s are still shopping etc. They are not isolating.

I have decided to leave her to get on with it. You can’t make people do things, it’s her decision.

Same with your dad OP, I wouldn’t blame you for going round.

I think the government have even said that circumstances are different with people who are life-limited. Of course, he may live for years, but at his age and with daily carers, I would definitely visit.

We moved in with DMum at beginning of lockdown because we felt it was safer us looking after her than her carers going in 3 x a week. DH is working from home, my business has gone down the tubes so the only time DH or I are coming into contact with anyone else is a half hour shopping trip every two and a half or three weeks. I'm sure if you're social distancing you could visit your Dad's quite safely - just maintain your distance from him but sit and have a cuppa and a natter. It's so hard and I'm sure such complete isolation will cause people to take more risks than sensible distancing/hygiene.

Please go and see your dad

I would go and visit from outside. My only concern would be the risk from the carers who may well be visiting several other people and may not have been tested.

Could you visit and sit in the garden OP - does he have some outdoor space? I agree about the quality vs. quantity thing. Our older loved ones could be shielded for up to 18 months, which means, in some cases, never seeing their families again. I think we all need to take this advice as just that - advice - and then behave sensibly, but kindly. If he's struggling, visit if you can.

I'd go too. He's got people coming in and out already and at his age it's important to put happiness and the forefront of decision making. This could go on for a year or more and what's the point at 90 living another year but being miserable?