How's everyone getting on?

I've just had a video chat, and am no less worried. He doesn't seem distressed though at least. We aren't super close as he's an extremely reserved man but he is still my Dad.
It's hard to see him like this but I mustn't cry when he can see me, it'll upset him (and my stepmother who is having to hold it all together).

Sorry to hear about your dad Pebbles - it must be tough being far away, especially with the current situation.

Can I join?
My elderly Dad's health is taking a nosedive and (this is new) he's starting to be confused now too.
He doesn't live close so there's not much I can do - he's not on his own anyway and I suspect it's going to go very quickly to carers coming in (and worse).
Just want a space to vent really.

Glad you've not had bad news.

One of her friends is phoning her daily and she does talk to a few others from time to time. Most of their friends have either passed away or are in really good health and have lots of family around so not so available.

I'm an only child so it's a lot of pressure. There's a local counselling service which may be able to offer phone support for me if needs be. I suggested it to mum but she's getting so many phone calls from various agencies she wasn't keen.

She is very highly strung and has all sorts of complicate issues with death and loss. I feel terrible because when she gets upset I just feel aggravated and frustrated rather than sympathetic, and then I feel guilty.

Thanks for asking minty all ok so far.....
So sorry to hear your news- it is so hard. Possibly when you were able to pause it hit you. 🌺🌺
Good to hear nursing support is getting things in place- but you need support too. Can the hospice help you or your mum? This is going on for a while- how can you get support for you?
Is there anyone else to support your mum? Relatives by phone?

Any news sandwich? Hope it's turned out to be nothing serious.

I am really struggling today. Had my first 'day off' (at home for the whole day, DD at her dads from 11-7) in 2 or three weeks yesterday and it was bloody lovely but now I feel shitter than ever.

A nurse came round last Thursday and told mum that dad has 1-3 months. Which we already knew but she's been in denial so hearing it again when she was on her own was deeply unhelpful.

He seems to be deteriorating. Nurse in question arranged emergency carers over the weekend and we've got district nurse coming in shortly, and bed etc arriving Tuesday.

I just cannot cope with mums emotions and grief

One of mums carers is now off with a temperature.... oh s@#£

Knot she sounds very like my mum!

knit feel free to moan here. We get it- all have needed to vent and say the unsayable.
Glad you felt better.🌺🌺

It was ever so good to have a moan, I don't have an outlet for it and it felt sooo good. I should maybe start a journal just for whining.

No, she didn't have carers, what would she want one for? She would tell you that she can manage perfectly well, mostly by getting other people to clean/shop/use the phone/run her here and there/complete forms/order medication...

She has been discharged from hospital with a care package which she doesn't think she needs. I fully expect her to refuse it when the six week discharge period ends and she has to pay for it, maybe even before then if she has a fall out with one of the carers. The reason I'm grumpy is that she did have wider family support and I just took her shopping and fixed things. Come lockdown everyone else vanished and I was left holding the baby.

For the next couple of weeks I go back to doing the shopping and changing lightbulbs which suits me just fine.

in terms of respite care

if you receive Carers' Allowance, presumably you have to let them know and you won't get it when you have an official carer in to give you respite, is that correct?

Knot completely understandable

Does she have a carer?

My guilty admission - one of the grannies was in hospital recently and I felt as if I was on holiday. I didn't have to check whether she was eating properly, taking her tablets or leaving the fall alarm on the shelf because she was someone else's responsibility. I didn't have to spend nearly three hours a day trekking across town to do hospital visiting, bringing home laundry and making multiple trips to her house for those essential items like a tail comb because there was no visiting. It's the first time I've not felt worried and/or guilty for probably six months.

Minty “ It sounds awful but I'm kind of hoping the inevitable happens before I have to go back to work f/t as I can't imagine how we'll cope otherwise.”

That doesn’t sound awful at all.

Mere it's a bit trying to say the least!

One day was planning not to go round but could t get through on the phone in the morning to check if all was ok.

Another day 'off' I realised we had a shared shopping delivery coming.

Last Thursday evening, just sat down with a glass of wine and about to do some writing. Thought I'd best call and check in first and whilst on the phone to mum there was a thud in the background.Dad had tried to get out to the loo, fallen over and gashed all the way up his arm...so off I went in first aider mode.

It sounds awful but I'm kind of hoping the inevitable happens before I have to go back to work f/t as I can't imagine how we'll cope otherwise.

Thanks for the replies everyone. It’s only really my mum that I’m worried about. We live on a small holding with my dad next door, so see him pottering about. He’s bored but fine. My MIL is in the most wonderful care home. She’s very well looked after and happy, and touch wood they’ve had no Covid. Obviously we haven’t visited for weeks, but she doesn’t know who we are anyway now. We just ring weekly. I have been doing my mum’s shopping for her, wiping everything down with anti bac wipes. I’ve put one of her garden chairs across her courtyard and sometimes sit there for 15 mins for a chat. Sometimes I walk the dogs past her house and do the same. But she’s so down at the minute and really wants a hug. It’s tough. She’d be much better living in sheltered housing where there are other people around to chat over the fence to, but she won’t hear of it.

It’s hard @IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere. My MIL was like that before she went into the home. We had to be quite tough and tell her we couldn’t come round all the time. My own mum does it too lately when she’s not feeling good.

Good to see you hairbrush!
Isn’t it amazing what your dm can do when you are not there? Hold your nerve. It might not be what she wants- ie you there all the time, but it gives you more time for you. Hold your nerve. As you say- quality time.
The more she can safely do herself the better for her.

Hello - I've been missing in action from Cockroach for a while. Things are a bit mixed here. Loving being at home with my husband and girls and spending more quality time with my mum since lockdown started. But I am noticing that she is getting less and less "with it".

She is very anxious about the carers coming - so much so I sometimes wonder if they are that much help. When I was getting her up in the morning she couldn't dress herself, wasn't washing, etc and could not get from her bedroom to the armchair. There was no chance of her getting out of bed without her breakfast in bed etc. And she was quite incapable of making her own bed - pulling the duvet into place - the sheets are clipped ont he bed.

Now she gets up and dressed all by herself, makes her bed and walks to the armchair before the carer comes and complains that she has to get up early to be ready for them coming (there is a key safe so they can let themselves in) . She wanted them to come late in the morning so now she gets up at 8.30 and waits until the carer comes around 10 to do her breakfast!

She won't tolerate them coming in while she is in bed.

She forgets their names and then gets anxious about who is coming when and what if it's someone she doesn't know?

Throughout the day she calls me every time she needs to go to the loo so I can push the wheelchair for her. I spend an hour or so with her at lunchtime and again in the afternoon and a couple of hours at night.

In the evenings I have to stay with her until the carer comes. I sort out her bedroom before the carer comes - turn the bedside lights on, turn on the fire, and turn on the tv. When I go home I tell her what channel I have turned on and what she is watching. Most nights she phones to say that tv has gone off and she can't find the box to turn it on again or to ask me what she is watching.

But it is a small price to pay for the chance to sit around the table with the family to eat breakfast and to be able to join my husband on the sofa to watch tv in the evening.

I saw my mum yesterday (at a distance) when I dropped her shopping off, she's aged massively in a week and is much more forgetful. She's lived here for years but twice she's said she's got lost when she's gone out for her daily walk.