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Original poster

Talk me through what I need to do - dad died, mum going into care

55 replies

CMOTDibbler · 24/03/2020 11:48

After stubbornly clinging onto life by the fingernails for years, my dad died last night/this morning. He was found by the district nurse this morning - mum (who has severe dementia) hadn't realised.

So, mum needs to go into care today which the emergency social worker is organising. But she'll need to move nearer me. And I need to invoke my power of attorney over all the finances to pay for her care etc etc, then sell dads car, the house, so on.
Dad will be going to the coroner, so I can't do the funeral stuff yet, but have spoken to the funeral directors that he wanted to use, and obv there are restrictions at the moment - he wanted a small funeral anyway.

What do I need to do? And how do I do it under lockdown?

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SoupDragon · 08/04/2020 07:54

Glad you've been able to move things on and sort something to to help your PIL. And thatyour mother is settled.

Any one of those things is tough at the best of times without adding the lockdown on top!

Original poster
CMOTDibbler · 07/04/2020 13:23

Thank you everyone.

Well, I'm moving things on. Dads death is registered, and they now have a system for ordering extra certificates so thats done and I just have to wait for them to arrive - but have done 'Tell Us Once'.
Just had a chat with the nursing home, and they are applying for a DOL, and we had the DNR/ Advance directive talk. Mum is doing OK, though going to bed at 3pm.

PIL don't seem to be able to plan what they want for the week - I think they had just been buying food day to day and its beyond them. Fortunatly dads my Waitrose card is linked to my Waitrose account (which I'd only ever used to deliver to them) so I can get click and collect slots for the PIL and changed my password so they can add stuff to a shopping list then we have a rota to collect it. Though so far we have had to just decide on food for them and we'll see how it goes after this week. MIL is now on morphine for her pain

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whataboutbob · 01/04/2020 20:59

CMOT, I was a regular on this board when my dad had Alzheimer’s and over the years you have posted so much good advice and information for people. I just wanted to say I am sorry for your loss. You really did so much for both your parents and now your dad is gone I hope things will be easier. I know when dad went into a care home for the last year of his life ( having thought off an attempt about 2 years earlier) he was entirely calm and accepting as his disease had progressed so much in that time. Although sad, it was a lot easier to manage for me.

Footle · 01/04/2020 19:22

@CMOTDibbler, sorry to hear what you're dealing with now. You always come across as a very good bright switched-on person and I send you love and strength.

thesandwich · 01/04/2020 19:15

I’m so sorry to hear you now have the ils to sort too.
Another veteran of these boards sending you🌺

bigTillyMint · 01/04/2020 19:04

@CMOTDibbler so sorry for your loss, and at this difficult time too. And now PIL too 💐

I recognise your name from way back on MN.

My mother has been in a dementia Nursing home for over 4 years / they have been fantastic, especially as I’m 200miles away. Hope you find the same.

Original poster
CMOTDibbler · 01/04/2020 13:45

I think mum is better in the dementia wing tbh - because of the pattern of her dementia and relatively young age, you can think she is better than she is at first.

So it seems I will get a certificate posted to me which will mean I can get the post redirected, and then will just have to wait for it to come back each time which is OK. Unless I can maybe get a certified copy done by the solicitors when I sort the will out?

And now we have to deal with the PIL as well - MIL has terminal cancer and they insisted they were sorting food. Until today, on her birthday when they admitted they weren't coping. DH has just driven down with a big box of groceries to tide them over and I have an M&S box getting to them on Tuesday, Morrisons on Thursday. Seems like FIL just can't get to grips with trying over and over to get a box/ delivery slot/ click and collect - but they refused to give us a list before. And the BILs have their heads firmly in the sand

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thesandwich · 30/03/2020 16:12

Sorry to hear your mum is unsettled- it is early days.
Sorry also your friends have been absent... it’s hard if you haven’t dealt with this sort of stuff before. Look after yourself and vent away here🌺🌺

Rinsefirst · 30/03/2020 15:56

Wandering around is very common at the beginning and it becomes difficult if it takes place at night time when staff ratios are lower. They will be trying to contain people to their own rooms as much as they can I would imagine. The ‘less good’ wing might have less risk of falls / kinder layout and more people to police her. In months to come they could well shift her back. We adopted a former scientist in my mum’s care home who got moved from able wing to less able wing. As she was mobile the care team moved her back to the chattier wing during the day so she could take part in activities and then back downstairs for sleep until she slept better. Take comfort that your mum is up and about and being inquisitive and that they are aware and responding.
You have so much on your plate. Flowers

SoupDragon · 30/03/2020 13:59

It must all be very confusing for her. Hopefully she will settle down when in her permanent place.

Original poster
CMOTDibbler · 30/03/2020 13:56

Less good news - mum has had to be moved to the 'less competent' wing as she was wandering a lot and up and down stairs. And the registration of death has to be done by phone (which, selfishly is good), but they can't issue certificates.

Thank you Soupdragon and BIWI. Everyones kindness on here makes a big difference. No one got in touch over the weekend.

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BIWI · 30/03/2020 12:55

No advice as I've personally never had to deal with any of the practicalities, but just wanted to say how sorry I am, and to send you my condolences. Pretty shit not to have heard anything from your friends, but have some Flowers from a random on the internet.

SoupDragon · 30/03/2020 12:48

You can get a replacement V5 for the car www.gov.uk/vehicle-log-book

Hope you're keeping well. Allow yourself time to grieve amongst all the chores Flowers

Original poster
CMOTDibbler · 30/03/2020 12:43

Still don't have the medical certificate, so I had to move the registrar appointment. The registrars office told me I have to get all the copies at the appointment as currently they can't do extras afterwards. Fortunatly I'd got extra copies of the POA documents at the time, so I have three sets of those, and will ask for a couple more to be done of the financial one when I get dads will from the solicitors as I know they kept the originals (and obv several certified copies of the will)

Todays jobs - contacted dads pension provider, spoke to 'hopefully permanent care home' to get them to do the assessment in conjunction with temp care home, need to get my brother to agree to a death notice in the local paper, and investigate how I can sell dads car without the logbook (which wasn't in the paperwork my brother delivered, but may turn up when I look when I go down to get the certificate etc).

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caringcarer · 30/03/2020 02:15

Once you get the death certificate order 4 or 5 more from births deaths and marriages. You will find everyone wants it (bank, utility company, internet/phone provider, Sky/Virgin, building society, premium bonds and on and on) and none will accept a photocopy and each takes ages to return original to you. Mum died dh and I bought a software disc off internet with all template letters you will need and you just put in name. Sorry for your loss.

GooseberryJam · 30/03/2020 01:46

Hello OP, I moved my dad last year from his locality to a care home near me so have some info on this that might be useful to you. As my dad owned a property, which had become solely his after my mum's death, he would be expected to self fund his care from the proceeds of selling the house now he was no longer living in it. However, his local authority (who had been sending in carers anyway) offer what's called deferred payments, which means that they pay the care fees until the house is sold and then you have to pay them back. What that does is takes the immediate pressure off to find money for care fees. You aren't under any pressure to sell the house quickly, you just have to sign to agree to pay it back when you do and that you sell it legitimately for a fair price (i.e. not to your mate for a token amount to avoid paying). If your parents owned their property then this should now be your position - speak to adult social services in their area about deferred payments. Sorry about your dad Flowers

Soontobe60 · 29/03/2020 09:42

@CMOTDibbler

I hope you're managing to deal with everything that's happened. I know that dealing with elderly parents and sorting out their affairs when they die is very hard, both physically and emotionally. You've got the added complication of doing all this whilst in lockdown.
Don't think everything has to be done at once. Take your time, and make sure you take some time for yourself. Xx

MereDintofPandiculation · 28/03/2020 08:36

But not a single text or call from friends etc apart from my cleaner. I know its a difficult time, but really? It's only the people who've been through something similar who really know how important contact can be. And friends can be good for different things, When I had some scary health news a year back, I told two friends - the one I don't know well and see only once or twice a year said all the right things and made me feel better; the one I see every week and count as one of my closest friends was sympathetic, but didn't bring me anywhere near the amount of comfort. So keep your old friends for what they're good it, and you may have some new friends from among the "unexpected people".

Rinsefirst · 28/03/2020 00:15

It’s been such a bizarre and unsettling week that your friends will probably catch up over the weekend. The SW was kind to pass on the positive news about DM. It’s these golden nuggets of info that keep us going. Tiny crumbs of comfort.

Original poster
CMOTDibbler · 27/03/2020 10:51

Mum (according to the social worker who just rang) is happy as larry.

I know people don't know what to say, and I know dad has been ill for so long, but if my 'undoubtedly on the spectrum' uber geek colleagues (you know they like you when they talk to your shoes rather than their own type) can send a lovely email, then its not asking a lot tbh. But there we go.

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thesandwich · 27/03/2020 10:09

CMOT I’m sorry your friends aren’t being supportive. People can really surprise you in a crisis. Great tip re bank- I will do that.
Maybe they just don’t know what to say.How is your mum faring?
🌺🌺

Original poster
CMOTDibbler · 27/03/2020 09:31

I guess its something to think about later, once I know the full state of affairs.

Work are being lovely, and some of the most unexpected people there have been the most supportive. But not a single text or call from friends etc apart from my cleaner. I know its a difficult time, but really?

No med cert yet, so it looks like I'll have to move the registrars appointment. But have all the forms for the banks filled out and will get the POA off today to mums bank.

A handy hint for anyone who will have to take over in the future - open an account with the same ones as your parents, even if its a savings account you keep £10 in. It means you won't have to do all the ID confirmation in the future

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Soontobe60 · 27/03/2020 09:21

@CMOTDibbler

I wouldn't cancel the DDs set up for charities yet. She chose them, presumably when she was of sound mind. Wait until her permanent care is sorted then look at her income. Decide then if they need to be cancelled in order to pay for her care.

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/03/2020 09:15

I haven't cancelled DFs DDs. He considered long and hard about which charities he supported, looking into their management etc, and he wanted me to go on supporting them out of any inheritance (we compromised on a one-off payment at his death). A lot of DDs, but all for tiny amounts, and we're nowhere near it affecting his ability to pay care bills.

Original poster
CMOTDibbler · 26/03/2020 18:42

The problem is that these charities are all ones she supported with dementia (as I say, its a very old statement which is only a couple of years into noticing anything was wrong at all) and I have no reason to expect that they have been cancelled - I know they were still in a hundred club thing which they signed up to 30 years ago, and dad wouldn't have changed anything.

TBH it's all a bit surreal at the moment. Having to go to their house and start sorting it will really bring it home though. Dreading going to the registrar on my own, which is as it has to be at the moment, but still Sad

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