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Elderly parents
Original poster

Hand hold if anyone is around - my Dad just passed away

31 replies

KavvLar · 19/03/2020 03:58

I'm feeling very sad. Still in hospital. He was old and ill and behaved very badly but he was still my dad. I'm glad he is at peace now but feeling very overwhelmed.

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Polkadotpjs · 19/03/2020 17:48

It’s going to be raw and difficult but there’s lots of help on here and hands to hold
I’m sorry for your loss Flowers

Tootletum · 19/03/2020 17:29

This happened to me too. It's very confusing emotionally. Just be grateful you got to say goodbye and make your peace, I never did and never saw his body, and he haunts my dreams years later.

TabbyStar · 19/03/2020 17:26

I've been quite worried about my DM, as she's completely self-isolating, but actually she's fine - I think for the immediate shock, talking to people who'd experienced it really helped, also going into practical mode - I sorted out all the admin. My DM has been upset, but she'd also been caring for him for quite a few years, and also he had quite a temper and so she walked on eggshells around him, so having time and space to herself is partly a positive. I'm talking to her a lot. It's such early days though. I remember being a bit out of it on the day that DF died. I spent ages trying to unblock DM's washing machine, which wasn't really a priority but something to do!

Original poster
KavvLar · 19/03/2020 15:43

@Janaih it is exactly that. Such mixed emotions. I feel so conflicted right now. In life he was difficult, abusive, capricious and unreasonable, he made it clear you were only ever as good or bad as the last task carried out, and your value was measured by your compliance. He wouldn't let the hospital staff examine or treat him and it caused a lot of distress.

That being said, I have a lot of good memories of us as kids and as a family, he financially backed us when we needed fertility treatment for our beautiful DD2, and he was there for me when I needed him.

@TabbyStar and @PragmaticWench I'm very sorry you have also had recent losses. Did you find anything helped? People are not sure what to do at the best of times and I really want to be there for my mum but she needs to isolate too -she's over 70.

Thanks again for the advice and support. I really appreciate it, DH is downstairs looking after the girls while I try to rest a bit.

OP posts:
ElectricMartha · 19/03/2020 13:11

KavvLar so sorry about your Dad. Even when people are old and ill it’s still a huge huge shock when their time comes.

You don’t know what’s normal because there is no normal. You feel how you feel. There’s no right or wrong or normal/abnormal way to feel. Everyone feels different.

You will be in shock for a while. Let the funeral staff be your guide and don’t feel rushed or pushed into decisions. They shouldn’t do. The majority are wonderful. Take good care of yourself. 💐

Original poster
KavvLar · 19/03/2020 13:04

My head is pounding and I keep crying. DH has taken the day off work and has the kids at home. I've never lost anyone close to me before which is really lucky but also I don't know what's normal. I was sad that he ended his life on a hospital Ward with seven other patients, I had thought they might locate a private space for us and him once it was clear he was on the way out. Grieving felt really intrusive in the middle of the night when elderly patients were trying to sleep and I don't know how I would have coped being on that ward with a dead body next to me.

OP posts:
Janaih · 19/03/2020 11:34

Sending extra hugs. The death of an abusive family member can be extra hard, it can throw up all kinds of unexpected emotions Flowers

Good luck with funeral directors, they will guide and comfort you through the process.

TabbyStar · 19/03/2020 06:12

Thanks My DF died a few months ago, he could also be "difficult". You'll be in shock for quite some time yet, take it slowly, and chat to people who have also lost someone if you can. There's lots of us here.

Jackrusselsarecute · 19/03/2020 05:35

Sorry for your loss Thanks I hope that your family can all support each other at this difficult time

KatherineJaneway · 19/03/2020 05:33

Flowers Sorry for your loss

Original poster
KavvLar · 19/03/2020 05:32

Thank you all so much. I'm home now and crying like a baby. I just feel so sad and overwhelmed. I will read and take heed of all messages they are really appreciated at this time.

OP posts:
PragmaticWench · 19/03/2020 05:13

That's really tough, do be kind to yourself, you'll be in shock even if you expected the end was close. Mixed feelings are completely normal, it's what makes us human.

On a practical note I'm aware of how funerals are being affected at the moment as my FIL passed at the end of last week. We've been warned the cremation will go ahead, likely behind closed doors and we can watch from home on web link. We will then have a memorial later in the year.

Your funeral directors will help you through this, you aren't alone.

Neome · 19/03/2020 05:02

I'm thinking of you KavvLar I hope you and your mum, sister and nephew are able to support each other with all your mixed feelings.

Good luck with all you need to do xx

reaslimshady · 19/03/2020 04:59

ThanksThanksThanks

FrankieGoesToLiverpool · 19/03/2020 04:58

Sending you all the love @KavvLar. He was still your dad, you don’t have to justify your grief.

sam221 · 19/03/2020 04:52

I am sorry for your loss, take a moment and seat down when you get home with a sweet tea.
The funeral directors will help organise most aspects, so don't worry about all that now.
Sending you hugs.

sarahC40 · 19/03/2020 04:48

Handhold op. I’m really sorry. Wishing you some sleep and peace. 💐

KedsAndTubeSocks · 19/03/2020 04:34

Sorry. Hope you can get some rest. Flowers

Mlou32 · 19/03/2020 04:32

I'm really sorry for your loss. He's at peace now.

In regards to being stressed about funeral arrangements. Funeral directors are amazing people, they will deal with everything with sensitivity and empathy and they take all the worry out of your hands They are there for you, you won't need to worry about what to do. I found that when my Dad died.

RhubarbBikini · 19/03/2020 04:29

I'm so sorry to hear this.

Try and get some rest now, especially if you're likely to get woken in a few hours time by your kids.

Take care of yourself Flowers

Thepigeonsarecoming · 19/03/2020 04:18

What are you options now Op?

2beautifulbabs · 19/03/2020 04:16

So sorry for your loss Thanks

MarmMummy · 19/03/2020 04:15

So sorry to hear this. Take care x

Original poster
KavvLar · 19/03/2020 04:14

Thank you. I'm with my mum, sister and nephew but we are all going home now. He suffered a lot, he was 92 and had a clot on his lung, went into a coma earlier and we'd been here for hours so went home and got the call to come back just a little too late. My mum and sister were with him when he passed. He just looks so different lying there with no life in him. I've never seen a dead body before.

He was a good dad but also a very difficult man. He was violent and manipulative at his worst, he gave my mum many black eyes, latest one in November. I hadn't spoken to him since then but I did see him on Saturday and made peace of sorts. I'm so sad but also so mad for everything he did.

I'm stressed to the hilt to know what to do with all the self isolation and funeral things and I've two small children who won't get it. I'm in a head spin.

OP posts:
Thepigeonsarecoming · 19/03/2020 04:06

Tell us about him good and bad