Sorry for the long post - not posted on here in years so please forgive any lack of etiquette.. I’m also terrified the person in question might see this and identify the parties involved.
So PIL are really struggling with their health. FIL has vascular dementia and has refused to agree to POA for years. He now does not have capacity and so DH is applying for a deputyship for him. SW has signed to say he doesn’t have capacity but WW3 is likely to erupt very soon.
MIL agreed to POA and this has just come through.
Over the years FIL has been physically, emotionally and financially abusive to MIL and has had many, many affairs. However MIL chose to remain with him and we’ve had to respect her wishes. Until recently we’ve thought that FIL being there enabled her to stay at home as she is totally housebound.
A neighbour has been very helpful over the last year or so and DH has been grateful to her when both of them have fallen and she’s has assisted them. PIL think a lot about her and say she’s like a daughter to them. As FIL had socially isolated MIL over the years they have no friends other than 2 neighbours. DH therefore asked them to be certificate providers for POA which they were happy to do. FIL was in hospital at the time and as we needed to get a key safe for MIL DH gave neighbour the number - essentially in case she had another fall as we live quite a distance away.
Since then neighbour has stepped up incredibly to help them. She started by occasionally making them cakes, then making them evening meals. She then started doing bits of shopping for them. She now calls around every day, twice a day. Empties MIL commode, makes meals and does shopping. She doesn’t seem to bother checking on their medication though.
The problem is that this neighbour is doing all the ‘nice stuff’ which is appreciated by PIL whereas we are left with difficult conversations such as stopping driving, getting in carers and trying to get them to pay bills. This has proved difficult as this neighbour appears to be working against us - we can’t convince them to get carers in to empty commode or support medication whilst ever they think she can do it. I have just taken 5 weeks off work to deal with a current crisis situation and find I arrive each day to find she has done the jobs I was intending to do and had bought shopping duplicating what I’d already bought.
MIL Says that the neighbour’s own mother left cash in envelopes around the house so that when she died the people who she wanted to got the money. Neighbour has said that her and her husband have just completed a will as they have a friend who does them. FIL doesn’t have a will and the neighbour has been telling him he should get one sorted soon. Now that he’s not driving, she is taking him to the bank where he takes out in excess of £1k each time. She has offered to take the money to keep it safe. MIL refers to neighbour as being extremely bossy and that she can get FIL to do whatever she wants. As mentioned earlier this is unusual as FIL is a very controlling individual. However, MIL sees this bossy behaviour as a positive thing.
Neighbour is unaware that FIL has been assessed as not having capacity and does not know about deputyship application.
DH is currently staving off bailiffs and court summons as no bills have been paid for months. We have no idea where the money that he has taken out has gone. He could not explain to SW where it had gone.
Recently PIL had a gas leak and DH agreed with SW that they shouldn’t use the gas fire as it’s not safe (she referred to fire authority) and also the gas hob. FIL has been throwing paper on the gas fire - witnessed by the SW. DH arranged for fire to be capped off. Somehow PIL got British Gas to come out and reconnect it all which DH and SW believed was beyond their capabilities.
Neighbour has been checking MIL’s medical file to see when an important appointment would be - she said that she’s allowed to look because it’s with one of the doctors that she works for...
Neighbour has also been supporting 2 other older ladies on the same street - one we know who has no family at all. She had been taking them shopping etc despite having a full time job, a family of her own and by all accounts loads of animals to care for.
I feel like we have been happy for this neighbour to keep a watchful eye on them but not sure now whether she is overstepping the mark, and if she is what do we do? We can’t stop her visiting as PIL think the world of her and do have the capacity to make decisions around friends calling around. Are we right to be concerned or are we overthinking things?? Are we being incredibly ungrateful and do we need to give our heads a wobble?