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Elderly parents
Original poster

Relative not eating properly

57 replies

Lamplighter234 · 21/02/2020 10:01

My lovely FIL aged 80 is recently bereaved, and historically MIL had done all the cooking - I mean everything. FIL isnt really what I’d call a good eater, but he just doesnt / won’t make himself any meals.
It’s a lack of knowledge, lack of interest but also a lack of willingness to learn any simple receipes or even try to put a meal together.
I’m at my wits end, he will only make sandwiches for himself. We invite him over twice a week and he says how good the food is, how he likes home cooked food etc, how he’s not had any hot food etc.
He’s active, has interests and gets out and about every day so I don’t think meals on wheels is appropriate (as he’s put a lot). When he’s got ready meals he just let them go out of date, just literally can’t be bothered to cook them.
I work FT, as does DH. I can’t take responsibility for feeding him, but also he can’t exist on Bread. He was just so used to to MIL making all his food. I’ve tried suggesting buying chicken breasts and pre prepared veg, making simple pasta meals but it all falls on deaf ears.
Does anyone have any experience or suggestions please, or do I just leave him to it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Lamplighter234 · 21/02/2020 10:15

MIL passed away 2 months ago. Sometimes he goes to a cafe for lunch, which I think is good idea as then he can have sandwich for his tea.but he doesn’t do it very frequently.
He goes out shopping, but its the planning out of meals, ingredients, which order to use them in he just has no interest in, or it’s too much effort ☹️, he buys tea sugar milk, bread etc, but not ‘ingredients’.
I’ve told him how I do it, ie I plan a couple of days in advance, and write a kind of plan/menu of what we’re having, making sure I use the food by the dates etc, but he just has no interest or doesn’t want to.

OP posts:
Potentialmadcatlady · 21/02/2020 10:15

Maybe he just needs time. I know my father did. He existed on soup and sandwiches for nearly a year because that is what he wanted to eat. I took him meals but he just couldn’t handle them. Gradually He took back control and he now cooks what he wants quite happily. It may not be what anyone else calls ‘full’ meals but he is happy and healthy. If he needs any help or fancies something different he rings and asks me and I male it for him. For ref my father is 86years old and I have taught him to make full dinners, stew, omelette etc etc...

stellabelle · 21/02/2020 10:12

This often happens when older people are bereaved and living alone. To be honest I'd leave him to it. It's quite possible to live on sandwiches, and he is having two hot meals each week at your place.

My mother lived on boiled eggs and toast for several years after Dad died - wouldn't eat anything else despite our efforts. She remained healthy, and finally died in her sleep at 89 with no health issues at all , right up to the end.

Don't make a big thing of this - just keep him happy. He'll be fine, honestly.

Inforthelonghaul · 21/02/2020 10:11

If he has capacity I’m afraid he has the right to exist on bread and water if he so wishes. Everyone is entitled to make poor decisions about their own life and that’s the law. I’m sure what he’d like is to come to you every day so that he can continue to have home cooked food. You could suggest having a carer come in once a day to heat up and serve a meal (or cook it properly, I have done this kind of work) it’s support rather than care. Other than that there’s not much more you can do other than ensure he has ready meals and easily prepared cold stuff to snack on.

If he chooses not to eat it but is otherwise mentally and physically able to prepare it there really isn’t much more you can do. Could it be that he’s getting depressed and lonely and just can’t be bothered because of that?

vdbfamily · 21/02/2020 10:11

The key to this is what does he want.
If he is not cooking because he does not know how to, could someone teach him some simple meals. Meals on wheels delivered ready to eat are the solution for some people.
If he gets out a lot, can he have a lunch out.
If he is sociable, would he go to lunch clubs/Age UK day centre etc to get some company too.
I would research what his local area has in the way of lunch clubs and see if he would go to a couple. Eating is a sociable activity and often people on their own do not eat well.

DartmoorChef · 21/02/2020 10:06

I think at 80, learning to cook is simply going to be beyond him if his wife has done it all for him previously.

Does he go shopping? Can he use a microwave?

If his wife did all the cooking and shopping then he's probably totally bewildered with it. I know my dad would have been as my mum did everything for him.

ineedaholidaynow · 21/02/2020 10:06

How long ago did MIL pass away?

If he is out and about a lot is he with friends who could encourage him to eat? Could he go to a cafe for a hot meal?

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