Relative not eating properly

DH's nan had Wiltshire Farm Foods when she could no longer cope with cooking for herself and they were very nice.

Problem with OP's FIL is that he doesn't seem able to cope with defrosting or reheating at the moment, so they wouldn't work currently.

OP do you think he goes out all the time because he can't cope being on his own rather than he is actually enjoying going out?

If he's not going through the defrosting and reheating rigmarole and ignoring chilled ready meals, then making sure he has some tins in the cupboard might encourage him to add more to his diet.

I would second the Wiltshire Farm Foods suggestion. They can almost all be microwaved from frozen and are actually quite nice. My DF who is 92 lives off them.

www.wiltshirefarmfoods.com

I don't know why poor FriendsofMIne got snapped at. Her suggestion of Wiltshire Farm Foods was very sensible. Exactly what your FIL needs.

I have an elderly friend who's lost loads of weight, as he's just living on Tesco sandwiches. He's got full capacity and is very stubborn. I've been in touch with his son, who lives a long way away, to tell him I'm concerned about the level of self neglect. But apart from that there is nothing else I can do.

Have you tried sitting him down and talking to him? Explaining how worried you are? How concerning his imposed restrictions on his diet are. Say how troubling it is that he would rather let food go out of date than microwave it. Is it the instructions being too small that is the problem?
Ask him why he doesn't entertain warming options like soup which can be microwaved or heated on the hob. Then ask what you can do to help. Does he need easier instructions? Does he prefer different foods? It's so heartbreaking when he isn't interested when you take him food shopping so you don't know where to start for him.

Put the ball in his court. Empower him. Leave him to think about it?

It is very early days: do you think that at the moment, overall, he's getting enough of a reasonably balanced diet? If so then I would say don't try to change anything, just give him a nice hot dinner whenever you can and make sure his fridge has enough for him to pick from.

I would imagine right now his refusal to learn to cook might also be a way of denying his wife has really gone: that is what she used to do, he might feel doing it himself somehow disrespects that. Maybe in time things will ease, he will show more interest in heating up leftovers or making simple food.

Would he accept anyone coming in to cook a meal for him either at lunchtime or the evening? It would also be some company for him.

How is he coping with looking after his home, doing the laundry etc?

I really didn't mean to upset you I'm sorry.

If he's really eating nothing much at all, why not a few good quality cakes & chocolates, ice cream etc too? Calories are calories at the end of the day.

Am afraid i agree with Friendsofmine, nothing that she wrote was a slight against you, shes just pointed out the facts clearly. Your fil is elderly and bereaved, he is not feeding himself properly. You have a lot on your plate supporting your dh and dc and working full time. You care otherwise you wouldnt have posted. Wiltshire farm foods or other meal services are brilliant, they deliver and put in the freezer. All that is needed is fil to pull one out and heat from frozen in the microwave, he dosent need them every day but at least its a proper meal for when he does have to fend for himself.

You sound like a lovely DIL. As pp have said, it's unlikely your FIL will learn to cook at this point. You need to also accept that he is still in the early stages of grief. My df was the cook in the marriage but when my dm passed away, he didn't cook properly for quite a while. Now he's back to batch cooking and eats proper meals every night. With your fil, I think you need a mix of solutions such as healthy soups, yoghurt and custard pots, some ready meals and having him over to yours to eat.
Someone on the thread suggested cooking lessons for elderly people. Wouldn't that be a brilliant way for elderly people to get out and socialise?

So I work with this situation a lot. With his age group he has relied on his wife for everything domestic so the fact he is up and functioning and going out is amazing. Expecting him to want to do what was his wife's role is possibly not feasible at this time. Of he doesn't want to cook/learn to cook/heat stuff up I would stock his fridge with cooked meats/cheeses/breads/salads/fruits/yogurts etc so he is eating well even if it is not hot. Also ensure drinks are fantastic for providing the nutrients required. Take this at his pace, it is probably the hardest thing he has gone through and I understand that it is hard for your oh but you too has lost his life partner who he would have been with for decades and is most likely very lost and struggling despite not showing it. Be patient and do not rush him. I dersay he is a very proud man so admitting he is struggling won't come easy.

Is there a U3A in your area, some of them appear to run cookery courses for men, probably for this exact reason?

Here's Delia's video on how to cook an omelette. She goes through every single stage so you can't go wrong:

I think you have to give him time. It's only been 2 months.

I know my MIL didn't want to eat after FIL died despite her doing most of the cooking. I batch cooked loads for her so that she just had to warm something up. Some days that's all she could manage to do.

It gets better though she still doesn't enjoy cooking for one and i'm still sending her home with leftovers or inviting her to join us for dinner.

I agree with Friendsofmine your expectations of an elderly man only just bereaved are completely unrealistic. Maybe after six months revisit this but for the moment he's doing fine just getting himself out and about.

We had a similar problem with my Dad. My sister batch cooked once a month and froze in individual portion's ready to microwave as needed. She also made things like sausages and bacon and froze them to defrost in microwave for more substantial sandwiches. Also we bought lots of easy to eat things like yoghurt's, trifle, soup in microwave cartons, ensure puddings, rice pudding tubs, ready made porridge, tinned fruit, custard in cartons, light fruit cake. Sometime my brother bought a take home meal in a carvery and my Dad ate half on the day and had half in the fridge for the next day. We had to make a simple sign for the wall on how to heat different things in the microwave. Hopefully as time goes on he is able to help himself a little more.

You need to lower your expectations on this elderly man who is going through the shittest time of his life.

I suggest going down the Wiltshire Farm Foods or Cook Meals route and don't even attempt to get him to learn to cook.

It's like asking someone with no interest to learn to play piano when they can just put a record on.

I'd suggest good quality effortless food. Small packets of deli meat (M&S do these), small cheeses, creamy West Country yogurts, good quality 'proper' bread, tempting fruit, cartons of soup to heat up, roast nuts, a breakfast cereal with dried fruit & seeds in. Donald Russell - donaldrussell.com - do ready meals that taste fairly homemade and you cook from frozen so they won't go out of date. Maybe the thing he could learn is how to cook a really good omelette (there's a Delia video online).

Maybe see if you can arrange meals on wheels or something similar

Is there anyway you could do a batch cook for him? And chuck it all in the freezer then all he has to do is get it out to defrost in the morning?

He's still grieving and I doubt at 80 he has any interest in learning to cook now