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Original poster

Understandable but unreasonable

39 replies

picklesdragonisawelshdragon · 18/02/2020 15:20

I'm really struggling.

DM has always been difficult, but DF reigned her in a bit till he died three years ago.

If I explained, I'd be here for four pages and you'd end up as stressed as me, just reading it!

Basically, this week she's being particularly hard work. It's the anniversary of DF's funeral, and she's having a cataract op. So I understand she's very stressed. But she's also completely unreasonable!

I said I'd go down to see her this weekend- it's a 3 hour drive. I planned to go down Friday morning. She's assumed I'll drive down Thursday daytime. I agreed to go down Thursday, leaving after traffic so arriving 8.30pm. She says that's too late she'll be in bed.

In trying to untangle all this, she's accused me of gaslighting her. I get the guilt trip -'no one loves me, I've lost the only person who ever put me first'.

She guilt tripped me into going on holiday with her, which she is paying for, and now says she's thinking of changing her mind. Well fine, but I've spent £500 on the deposit, insurance, travel to the airport etc.

We invite her to come on holiday with us, but she never wants to do what we do.

She's driving me potty!

So understandable - vulnerable, elderly, widowed etc
But unreasonable.

How do I handle it? Any ideas?

OP posts:
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Original poster
picklesdragonisawelshdragon · 24/02/2020 14:29

She's funny about food. I always pack nuts etc to tide me over just in case. Sometimes she's particularly bad and actively disapproves of me eating (do you want to be fat?). Other times she just secret eats herself and so fails to realise anyone else needs to be fed. It will be approaching lunch time and she'll have 'only just had a big bowl of porridge'. She has very unreliable cupboards.

Actually it's in lots of areas, she's a bit of a hoarder, but it's as though everything is rationed and too precious to share. She offered my kids a briefcase/laptop bag from her collection, but as they picked she said 'oh no, not that one' removed the decent ones from the pile, and left the ones with broken straps/zips etc.

You have to accept and be grateful for everything she offers, otherwise you 'clearly aren't hard up'. She wanted me to ask if anyone wanted a ring binder. I said they wouldn't want it, as it was probably 40 years old, and they are about £1 in shops. She used that as an excuse not to offer anything else as they 'clearly aren't hard up'.

She's very well off.

OP posts:
YenniferOfVengeberg · 24/02/2020 10:31

Hang on pickles, she doesn't feed you?

MintyCedric · 23/02/2020 14:07

She sounds so like my mum. She and dad live just round the corner but dad's quite incapacitated after a bad fall last year and she is such hard work.

I also get all the emotional blackmail and have no siblings to take the pressure off. It sucks.

Hope you're back home now and enjoying a chill out and a Wine Cake Gin or whatever's your preference.

RandomMess · 22/02/2020 23:21

"That's nice for them, not my cup of tea"

Original poster
picklesdragonisawelshdragon · 22/02/2020 22:50

Well here I am. It's not been too bad, apart from how everyone she knows, 'literally every single one' goes on holiday with family several times a year.
I've managed to get fed this time (it's been a problem in the past).

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/02/2020 12:14

Seriously, take her at her word and don't go!

She will bad mouth and complain no matter what 🤷🏽‍♀️

JKScot4 · 20/02/2020 08:55

Take a breath and see this is a positive; she’s more than able of managing herself, don’t fall for the guilt tripping.

Original poster
picklesdragonisawelshdragon · 20/02/2020 08:05

She rang last night to say she'd got a neighbour to take her car in for the mot so I should come Friday, and not to come at all if I don't want to.

I don't feel any relief- in fact I feel quite sick.
She's tied herself up in knots about moving, got auctioneers and valuers in, but nothing she has is of value.

On the phone she complains that no one will help her move (though we've all tried). I go down to help and she won't let me. Argh!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/02/2020 22:43

I think you need to be far more "take it or leave it" with her.

"I can come Thursday arriving 8.30pm onwards or not at all, which would you prefer"

Always give her options that you are happy with either outcome - just like a toddler...

JKScot4 · 19/02/2020 22:33

I recently took a friend for a cataract removal, there’s no anaesthetic, it’s an awake procedure, in/out in an hour and a shield over the eye, can’t drive but other than that very very minor procedure.

MereDintofPandiculation · 19/02/2020 14:52

OP, your first email shows that, unpleasant as her behaviour to you is, you have compassion for her. Glad you didn't sent the email! Best not to apologise for things that aren't your fault, even to keep the peace - OK if they're tiny things (sorry I nearly bumped into you) not big things. You didn't upset her, she chose to react that way.

Long experience with elders and DC has taught me it's much easier to say "No" if I don't give a specific reason. People greet reasons as problems to be solved "You're washing your hair? Couldn't you do that the night before? Well, couldn't you wash it at my house?" "I'm sorry I have a commitment that I can't get out of" works well for almost anything including "I promised myself I would relax in front of the fire with a bottle of wine and a good book".

Also remember "I'm sorry, I've been drinking - you'll need to get a taxi". DC probably think I was near alcoholic Grin

Original poster
picklesdragonisawelshdragon · 19/02/2020 14:03

My sister is taking her to and from the operation, and possible for a little outing depending on the timing and how she responds to the anaesthetic etc. I'll get there about 8.30pm, traffic permitting.

She's arranged for me to take her car in for an mot on Friday. She tends to assume that things are only inconvenient or expensive when she has to do them. So she'll get my sister leave work and collect her from the station, rather than taking a taxi, to save £15. She has a lot of money.

Anyway. I feel much better today, I haven't sent an email, I'll just rock up at 8.30pm. If I can't get in I'll go to my sister or aunt!

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 19/02/2020 09:45

As Thursday is the actual day of the oersted n, I think that wanting someone there when you come home (and perhapd to bring you home after the procedure) is reasonable.

The snag for you is that it has come on the back of a whole history of things that are unreasonable.

I would be looking at other issues to start putting in place new boundaries.

Does she email? Because setting things out on paper can help - it gives clarity about what you both understand from a conversation (and proof, if needed, about what was agreed). This should certainly happen before you spend money based in what you think are her wishes.

One other angle you need to be sure of - is her hearing OK? If there is hearing loss, especially early on when people might not quite realise/admit what's up, then misunderstandings and hurt feelings abound, even between normally kind people

maddywest · 19/02/2020 09:34

Is she worried about the cataract op? My dad was absolutely terrified - he was then amazed at how smooth and easy it actually was, but it was good that someone was with him to help administer eye drops etc, and he had a patch over one eye so needed watching while he adjusted to only seeing through one eye.

So I would have gone Thursday rather than Friday on this occasion, but obviously there's a lot of unreasonable stuff going on, as everyone has said, which is your real problem. And I do realise the trap of saying 'oh well this is a special occasion, I really need to do what she asks this time', because that then becomes the norm and it's easy to lose sight of what is and isn't reasonable.

Does she have any support locally? sorry if I missed that.

AutumnRose1 · 18/02/2020 18:38

OP

I thought you might say it was just after your dad died but it sounds like she’s a narcissist generally. I’m on the position that dad did everything for mum and she’s got a learn now he’s gone, but I’m afraid I can’t help because your situation sounds different.

You are being far too nice to her though. Why all the explanations in the email? You dont have to apologise for having a life.

Supersimkin2 · 18/02/2020 18:12

Victims aren't always nice people.

Just cos a human's old and wobbly doesn't mean they're not horrible.

Treat them as you would anyone else impossible and unpleasant, or try to, because we all know that's impossible. But perservere. She'll smarten up in no time.

WinterCat · 18/02/2020 18:08

I’d reply and say you can either arrive after she is in bed on Thursday and spend all of Friday together, otherwise you will travel down on Friday as planned.

Original poster
picklesdragonisawelshdragon · 18/02/2020 17:59

Thank you all so much. I've realised that my attempts to soothe her and make her manageable are basically narcissistic supply. I'll have a rethink.

I may still choose to feed the beast on occasion, but only as a behavioural strategy to manage a situation. Like giving your child an iPad to play on when you're waiting at the doctors!

OP posts:
ClementineWardobe · 18/02/2020 17:56

Oh pickles. I'm sorry, try sending it and see. In fact, try just sending it and then ignore any protestations. Your mum is fine my lovely. Go down on Friday regardless...

Original poster
picklesdragonisawelshdragon · 18/02/2020 17:52

Is this how sensible people talk to each other? I've grown up in FOG.

I suppose I'm in the habit of trying to soften her up a bit.

OP posts:
ClementineWardobe · 18/02/2020 17:42

Hi mum
I know this week isnt easy for you or for any of us. I miss Dad. I know how much you do too. I'll be coming down on Friday morning, there's a lot going on at my end so I can't make Thursday evening. You get yourself into bed early and I'll let myself in. Shall I bring something nice to eat for post surgery? Love from daughter.....
Hugs OP

JKScot4 · 18/02/2020 17:35

I’d be short n sweet,
I’ll be at yours Thursday evening, I’ll let myself in.
😉

cansu · 18/02/2020 17:34

I think your email is far too apologetic. I would stick to facts.
e.g. I am sorry you are feeling stressed because of the operation ..
I would like to help as much as I can.
I am able to rearrange to come down on Thursday evening but it will be after 8pm or if you prefer I will come down on Friday morning.

Original poster
picklesdragonisawelshdragon · 18/02/2020 17:26

Unfortunately it never starts from that point, partly because she talks relentlessly and you can't get a word in and make proper plans.

Over the years I've hypothesised attachment disorder (I'm a foster carer), ASD (I was a SENCO, and DH's family has a lot of suspected ASD), bipolar (she's like a cat on hot tiles until she collapses with exhaustion).

I've come to the conclusion it's probably a narcissistic personality disorder.

Of course, it's not her that's the problem, it's everyone else!

Whatever it is, she's 84 and not going to change. It's just about peaceably co existing without drama!

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 18/02/2020 17:07

What would happen if you just said: I've got commitments here. I can come Thursday evening or Friday morning, which suits you better?

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