FIL care

No. He needs to be settled somewhere now. 2 years is a long time, his health could deteriorate considerably in that time.
If you don’t want to be a full time carer you need to make that clear now.
The carers only come and go briefly. There are many many hours in between.

Selling his house and building an annex will take at least 18 months unless your DH runs a building firm.

You need an interim solution. Ideally a care home near your home so you can visit each other regularly. FIL can come to your house as well as you going to see him.

After a few months it is unlikely to be in his best interests to move again though.

If you want to move a parent into an annexe you need to start planning that a long way in advance while the parent can make decisions for themselves.

Oh, ok, but just so you know, sleazy means sordid, dirty: perhaps with a sexual undertone.

Because that's actually a really strange thing to say as a blanket generalisation about people. My mother is in her eighties and not sleezy and neither was my father, he really hated that kind of thing and was very particular about being respectful to women. Are you sure that's the word you actually meant?

*and typical of that generation a bit sleezey and a bit racist(

In what way sleezy?

My husband is not expecting me to be his Dads carer

Who will clean him up if he soils or wets himself just after the carers have left?
Who will lift him up if he falls on the floor?
Who will wash his sheets?
Who will shop and cook for him?

Will your husband be there all day to deal with this, or will you - you have a 3 year old and one on the way.
You will be co-opted in by default - because you are a nice person, because you would not let someone sit in their wet trousers.

And once you have started the only way to put a stop will be for you to be the bad guy. Be the bad guy now, save yourself some heartache, just say no.

OP, you mentioned the extension having its own kitchen. Look at the council tax implications for this - I think it counts as a seperate, 2nd home, on your land if it has certain features - its own kitchen is one of them.

Believe me, the money won't last very long. And plenty of times carers don't show up. What is your husband's plan B for this?

Your DH suggestion will result in carers coming in 3 times a day max to look after FIL. What will he do in between? Stare at the walls? FIL would get more mental stimulation in a home.

Also yy to the newborn baby thing! You can’t reliably care for a dependent adult and a newborn baby at once. One of them is not going to be getting the care they need.

I have been in a similar position to you and know how you feel and how difficult it is. I felt like I was being selfish - and there certainly was an element of self preservation to my thought processes. But I also knew that the caring responsibilities would fall to me and I wouldn’t be able to cope.

Your husband must be very upset. It’s even harder when you’re young, and none of your friends have gone through it. But I think your husband is under the impression that his dad is going to carry on forever. I’m afraid that he’s not. The best thing to do is to face up to the new situation as quickly as possible, to minimise disruption to your fil

My advice would be to sell his house to pay for an assisted living flat/ care home (depending on need) that is very near to you and easy to visit.

We are several years down the line and visit 3 x per week. I wish we had had the foresight to encourage pil to move closer to us!

Caring for your fil is going to be a big part of your life from now on. His care needs will increase, and if it takes 2 years to move into an annexe then his needs may well have changed considerably in that time. Best to get him settled in now to somewhere where he can live for the rest of his life.

There is no way you will manage to look after a 3 year old, a newborn and your FIL.

My mother who is disabled had a fall and was very (DNR, a few nights they didn’t think she would make it) ill, I had a 2 week old and a 3 year old who was understandably confused and upset by the new baby - there is no way in that situation you or your husband could take on the care of a parent. It was tricky enough visiting and keeping an eye on my Dad.

It’s a huge thing to get over that your parent may not be able go back to their home ever again.

DF ended up in hospital after having a fall. We never thought at the time that meant he would never go home. He hadn’t even hurt himself that badly in the fall, just a few bruises. But his delirium and cancer just took over and it became obvious my DM would never be able to cope with him at home.

DH’s gran was determined never to go in a home and was going to cope at home with a mixture of carers and family popping in. But as time went on it became apparent that she couldn’t live by herself. The option was either a bed and a commode in her lounge or go into a home. MIL had to fight but got her into a lovely nursing home. DH’s gran loved it and wished she had gone there sooner. It was so much easier there with everything set up for people with limited mobility and she had company whenever she wanted it.

Maybe wait to see how FIL gets on with his 4 week respite time in the nursing home and then see what would be best. May be your DH will be able to think a bit clearer then.

You'll be expected to do some of the care, that's why he's so positive about it.

My DF got delirium whilst in hospital, we were told his mental capacity would improve once he left hospital. My DM and I had our doubts as he was getting to the point where he didn’t know where he was and who we were. Unfortunately he also had terminal cancer and he died before he could leave the hospital.

One of our neighbours, who is probably in his 70s, went into hospital last year with an infection. He too had delirium whilst there. He has never fully recovered. It is very hard for his wife and he is a very different man now. She has to remind him sometimes who she is and that his mother is no longer alive. He didn’t have these mental issues before the infection.

I know it is very hard for your DH to accept that his DF may never fully recover, but it is quite probable.

Don’t do it, my Mum nearly had a breakdown in similar circumstances looking after an elderly relative. This was someone she loved dearly and was very close to, had similar interests. They also weren’t sleezy or a bit racist. So in your situation I would say you’d be mad to even consider it. It’s not what’s best for any of you, but especially for your children.

So what would happen in those 2 years? Not being cruel he is 83 and not in good health, he might not be around in 2 years or if he is he may be too ill to be able to live in an annex. If he has to be in a nursing home for those 2 years he might have spent most of his money or they may have to put a charge on his home until it is sold, which might not leave you enough money for the extension. Or he might not want to move out of the nursing home by then, especially if his memory is failing it would be better for him to stay in a place that he has got used to.

On a slightly separate note do you have a POA in place?

Please don't. It sounds like it could ruin your marriage.

Also, dementia and a bit sleezy? He could end up assaulting you. Dementia can make people aggressive.

Just read back in your OP that you're pregnant. You'll find someone to take care of your older DC when you go into labour, but if he's moved in with you, who will look after FIL? He won't be able to stay independent, he won't know where you've gone. Just a starter for your DH to consider. He has the best of intentions, especially if he's had a very close relationship with his dad, but he needs to think through the outcomes of this. You wouldn't want carers and mdwives around the house within days of giving birth.

just. say. no