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Elderly parents
Original poster

Elderly mum made disasterous decision.

136 replies

Soontobe60 · 14/02/2020 22:07

My mum and stepdad lived at the other end of the country to me up until yesterday. He has dementia and can't be left alone at all. I've not seen them for 3 months. They've been trying to move near to me and my siblings for 6 months and yesterday was the moving day. They had arranged for their furniture to go into storage for a few days to give us time to sort out their new home, and told me they had booked a hotel for the week.

Well, turns out that's not quite true! They've arrived with nowhere to stay, expecting one of us to put them up, but as step dad can't do stairs, that's a no no as we all live in houses with stairs! So at 4pm today I arranged a hotel for them for the weekend. Mum felt unable to drive anymore so I collected them from my brothers and took them to the hotel. En route, she told me that they hadn't yet had the money from their buyer, even though she had moved into their flat yesterday as soon as they left. Not only that, but the purchase of their new property hadn't gone through yet either! It seems like they are temporarily homeless! If I'd have known this I'd have told them to stay put!

Mum is not the easiest person to get on with at the best of times. She shouted at me tonight because I wouldn't let her smoke in my car. She shouted at her DH because he was walking slowly but he can't walk any faster. After dropping them off at the hotel, I just sat in my car and wept. My DH and I have just spent two years looking after my MIL, and only yesterday scattered her ashes as she passed away in January. We both agreed that looking after her had taken a toll on us both and although we were sad at her death, it was also a relief. (Her quality of life was just really bad).
Now I just feel that the same thing is happening again but instead of looking after a gentle, kind MIL who never demanded anything, I'm going to be looking after a cantankerous mother and possibly a step father who I have hardly got a relationship with. And I feel crap for thinking that way! I can feel my blood pressure going through the roof.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 14/02/2020 22:53

Oh God what a nightmare.

Tbh it sounds a bit as though your mother has burned out looking after your stepdad.

It might be worth registering them at your GP surgery as visitors, if the surgery will do that- some will some won't. But I'm concerned that their plan is for you to make their lives work.

Sycamoretrees · 14/02/2020 22:45

Is it possibly your Mum has got confused about the house situation and the solicitor has the money? Sounds like your Mum may be in the early stages of dementia too. Hope the situation becomes clearer soon.

Neolara · 14/02/2020 22:32

So they still own their "old" house but have allowed the buyers to move in? The buyers haven't paid yet? I'd get their solicitor onto that asap and get the buyers out. If necessary, go and move into the old house yourself this weekend to make things so uncomfortable for the buyers that they get out. Presumably, your parents and the buyers have exchanged?

Mlou32 · 14/02/2020 22:32

Are you sure this isn't just a ploy by her to get one of you to take them in and provide a certain level of care?

Original poster
Soontobe60 · 14/02/2020 22:31

We don't have PoA, dm doesn't think we'd need to have it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Soontobe60 · 14/02/2020 22:30

@Drum2018

Are you my DH? He said the same thing almost word for word! I know it's not all on me, but I'm the only one who doesn't work, having retired in December, so I know I may well bear the brunt of the help. Both of them need to see the GP, step dads meds will run out in a week but they won't be ale to register with a GP without an address! Hopefully the gin I bough tonight my way back home will keep me calm til Monday 😳

OP posts:
Weenurse · 14/02/2020 22:28

Does anyone have POA so they can start to fix this mess?

Drum2018 · 14/02/2020 22:25

Calm down a moment. You are not going to have to look after them so get that idea out of your head. You have siblings nearby so you can get together and see what can be done regarding the accommodation. She has royally fucked up letting the buyer move in without full payment. How did that even happen. The estate agent should not have handed over keys.

Get together with your siblings asap. Get your mother to tell you everything that has happened and where exactly the house purchase and sale are at. Ultimately she will have to sort it out, starting by calling her solicitor on Monday morning to see where their house purchase stands. Until that house is ready they will just have to stay in a hotel.

Ohyesiam · 14/02/2020 22:23

Well it’s kind of intentional, but if she were thinking straight she wouldn’t have done it.

colinsleftnipple · 14/02/2020 22:20

@Ohyesiam they won't be eligible for emergency housing they're intentionally homeless.

What an awful situation OP. You have siblings, don't take al of this on yourself.

Does anyone have power of attorney?

Ohyesiam · 14/02/2020 22:15

Sounds like a nightmare op.
Can you contact your council tomorrow about emergency housing?