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Elderly parents
Original poster

Elderly mum made disasterous decision.

136 replies

Soontobe60 · 14/02/2020 22:07

My mum and stepdad lived at the other end of the country to me up until yesterday. He has dementia and can't be left alone at all. I've not seen them for 3 months. They've been trying to move near to me and my siblings for 6 months and yesterday was the moving day. They had arranged for their furniture to go into storage for a few days to give us time to sort out their new home, and told me they had booked a hotel for the week.

Well, turns out that's not quite true! They've arrived with nowhere to stay, expecting one of us to put them up, but as step dad can't do stairs, that's a no no as we all live in houses with stairs! So at 4pm today I arranged a hotel for them for the weekend. Mum felt unable to drive anymore so I collected them from my brothers and took them to the hotel. En route, she told me that they hadn't yet had the money from their buyer, even though she had moved into their flat yesterday as soon as they left. Not only that, but the purchase of their new property hadn't gone through yet either! It seems like they are temporarily homeless! If I'd have known this I'd have told them to stay put!

Mum is not the easiest person to get on with at the best of times. She shouted at me tonight because I wouldn't let her smoke in my car. She shouted at her DH because he was walking slowly but he can't walk any faster. After dropping them off at the hotel, I just sat in my car and wept. My DH and I have just spent two years looking after my MIL, and only yesterday scattered her ashes as she passed away in January. We both agreed that looking after her had taken a toll on us both and although we were sad at her death, it was also a relief. (Her quality of life was just really bad).
Now I just feel that the same thing is happening again but instead of looking after a gentle, kind MIL who never demanded anything, I'm going to be looking after a cantankerous mother and possibly a step father who I have hardly got a relationship with. And I feel crap for thinking that way! I can feel my blood pressure going through the roof.

OP posts:
theoriginalmadambee · 18/02/2020 21:55

X-posted.. Your mum left you to fend for yourselves at 15 and 17? Christ, I know it is easier said than done, but let her get on with things herself now HmmGinGin.

leli · 18/02/2020 21:53

I have experience of a very difficult mother and Alzheimers father.

I'll tell you how I see it, with a view to helping you.

You have to get your DM to sort out power of attorney for both Health and Finance. If you're around 60 she's around 85. She won't get better. You and your sibs will find yourself through guilt, duty and no-one else to help trying to sort out more and more. Without POAs I can assure you this will be a nightmare and an expensive nightmare if you have to resort to the Court of Protection. You and your sibs may have to do what I had to do which is to say to DM that you cannot help unless the POAs are sorted out - and because it's a bit complicated (we got solicitors to do this) you will actually have to deal with the POAs yourselves.

I never got on with my DM and have a series of resentments and historical grievances with her. But I think old people should be looked after so I do what I can out of a sense of duty. My bro is much closer to her so he visits more often while I pay the carer (who I found and employ) arranged wills, POAs, changed GPs, deal with house repairs etc. I do visit but not so often because I still feel v upset about the past.

Very old people are extremely hard work. My DM too probably has a degree of dementia but she was so odd to begin with it's hard to detect. My DF is a mild soul who at the moment just copes at home, but this won't last for long.

Can you locate step F's family? Does he have any contact with them? Should they be helping? If he has Alzheimer's they can get a discount/moratorium on council tax. I advise you go to the Carers UK forum because it's full of advice for people dealing with dementia. You could possibly help them with an Attendance Allowance application (it's worth it financially). Dehydration, UTIs, poor nutrition, stress make all elderly people much more confused. Thing is, if you don't help there isn't much of a safety net at all now and you'll probably find them having no help more distressing so you and your sibs may just have to take this on. Praise God you have a DS and a DB who it seems you get on well enough with. My DB is a godsend. I'd hate to be on my own with it all.

Best of luck.

WelcomeToTheMountaintop · 18/02/2020 21:53

It’s ok to drop the rope OP.

Step right back and let her sort it out. You owe her nothing.

theoriginalmadambee · 18/02/2020 21:50

I really wish for you that you and your siblings are able to set some healthy boundaries. Seems you mum is a taker, not a giver. Perhaps set her up, get some elderly social services alerted and take several steps back.

Original poster
Soontobe60 · 18/02/2020 21:49

@GrockleRock

Luckily my DDs are taking me to Marrakesh in 2 weeks!

OP posts:
FraglesRock · 18/02/2020 21:48

I think once they're in you need to have a good conversation about boundaries.
She needs to sort shopping
Doctors
Decorators
Etc

Don't get drawn in and I'd be telling her that if they need care they need to get in touch with adult social care as it's not your job, especially for her dh. And I'd be prepared for her to throw her toys out.

Original poster
Soontobe60 · 18/02/2020 21:48

@katy1213

I just think it's a sad state of affairs. I used to think that she was a cool mum when we were younger (she was a bit of a hippy back in the 60s) and we had quite a carefree childhood. But in reflection, some of the things we did were bordering on neglect. When my eldest sister left for uni at 18, my other sister was 17 and I was 15. Dm had just qualified as a teacher at 40. She decided to move 100 miles away with my DF and two younger brothers, and paid for me and my DSis to move into a flat. I was still at school! I know that my DF also had a part in the decision, but she was definitely the one in charge. DF came over to see us every Saturday. She came up once a month.
Her only advice when she moved was to tell me make sure I didnt get myself pregnant. She failed to tell me how I was to do that! Fortunately I knew from my one sex Ed lesson in school that naice girls save themselves for when they got married, and sex outside of marriage was for prostitutes 🤣🤣🤣

OP posts:
GrockleRock · 18/02/2020 21:44

Bloodyhell OP - YOU need a hotel Sad Wine

UnprodigalDaughter · 18/02/2020 21:41

The arrogance that she is right and knows better than everyone else struck a chord. My father was diagnosed with dementia and this is what we've been battling against for years. It's all on ridiculous things ("I know how to cut that tree down, I'm the only person who understands how to do it")

I've no advice as I'm in a comparable situation. It's very very shit Gin

waterbottle12 · 18/02/2020 21:39

With that back story I'm impressed that you keep any contact. good luck and look after yourself.

katy1213 · 18/02/2020 21:32

You are a saint. I wouldn't take any responsibility for your stepfather especially after his track record. All those children ... let one of them deal with him!

LifeImplosionImminent · 18/02/2020 21:32

Your mum sounds awful - I don't understand how horrible people can demand and get so much support from the kids they treat so badly. I don't know what to say...my mum annoys the hell out of me whenever she is near technology (and who gave her whatsapp FFS) but she's nothing like that!

Missc2001 · 18/02/2020 21:32

Oh gosh. Could you make sure they have provision for carers etc? I’m all about helping family but I don’t think it is fair that you should care for him (I know your mum is still there but she will be expecting respite)

IndieTara · 18/02/2020 21:19

Just hang on til Thursday

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/02/2020 21:19

She is generally a very capable woman

Well yes, that's obvious from the fact she's been able to sell, pack up and move
In a way it's fortunate that it's DB she's landed on rather than you, but I'd be wondering your looking after MIL has led her to think it's now her turn

Peronally I'd happily support them in moving into their new place, but after that I'd be very careful about just how much I was pulled in

Eckhart · 18/02/2020 21:11

If she's insisting she's capable, you have to stop feeling that she's your responsibility. You'll make your own life very difficult. This goes for after this particular issue is sorted, too.

Mistymonday · 18/02/2020 21:06

Dementia or not it sounds like it is time to set some boundaries with her.

Original poster
Soontobe60 · 18/02/2020 20:59

She was tested for a UTI at the walk in today but it was clear. BP was a little high, o2 levels good, blood sugars ok but has ketones in urine , which nurse said is another sign of dehydration.

OP posts:
Alsohuman · 18/02/2020 20:56

Dear God, poor you. Nobody deserves this, you must be a saint.

She really needs to start taking the naproxen, she’ll feel like a new woman. I’ve been trying to get it out of my GP for months.

GhostofGeishaPast · 18/02/2020 20:51

Just a thought - if she is dehydrated, does she possible have a UTI? That can affect behavior suddenly. She might be avoiding drinking to stop the pain of having to pee.

Supersimkin2 · 18/02/2020 20:48

You're being played OP. You do have to do something about them, but it's not as much as you think.

Yank the drawbridge up now. Do as little as you can to get them away from you, then your phone will develop a fault.

If she's demented - meh, diagnosis is near on impossible to obtain until she's got the capacity of a banana, and in any case it doesn't make any difference.

You've got to get them into that house. She wants you to decorate because she's mean. She knows it's unfair on you so she's tricked you.

Suggest they move in before you lift a brush because a) you can't afford the paint b) she needs to know what it will be like to live in before you decide on colours etc.

Broken record about getting them into the house - repeat, repeat, repeat, don't engage. Two can play at that game.

VenusTiger · 18/02/2020 20:44

Cross posted OP - she sounds like a selfish cow!
Have you looked up Anadin though - what too much does to you and your behaviour? It's rather interesting.
Hope you're okay and don't get landed doing everything as she is assuming you will.

Original poster
Soontobe60 · 18/02/2020 20:43

@Gingernaut

After speaking to the EA for the purchase, I know everything is going through, and should be completed by Thursday at the latest fingers crossed. They have requested the money off the buyer, or whatever they call it, and that should be in the client account tomorrow.
Best case scenario is that everything goes through in the next couple of days, we get them moved into their own house and registered at a GP and dm is able to gather herself and settle down.

OP posts:
DobbyTheHouseElk · 18/02/2020 20:43

I think you need to do some digging tomorrow. Maybe speak to the buyers in DM home and ask what position they are in regarding the sale of the house. This doesn’t sound right.

You have my sympathy, dealing with elderly parents is frustrating and exhausting.

HeronLanyon · 18/02/2020 20:43

There will be a time when you look back on all of this. Support op.