Elderly mum made disasterous decision.

Just read the thread.

My goodness what a ginormous mess! Thank goodness your sibling are there to help a little too. Hope things settle down once they settle into their new flat.

💐💐💐

That's a relief! The rest (although huge!) is do-able. One step at a time.

Put in the essentials, then fit in the next most important things.
Storage unit or donate the rest.
Good luck

Congratulations 💐

How are things now OP?

She is generally a very capable woman but now feels like she knows better than anyone, including professionals. Sounds exactly like my dad, in his case because he is used to being the Expert and to being privy to information no-one else has access to. Must be very hard for him to realise he no longer has expertise of use (it's nearly 30 years since he was he was active in his field) and is no longer one of an inner circle of decision makers. But understanding where it's coming from doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

My sympathies, OP. As everyone above has said, set limits. I'd use her requests as an opportunity for bargaining with her. Nothing gets done until there are up to date POA's & wills in place. Totally agree with @leli's post Tue 18-Feb-20 21:53:55

You have to get your DM to sort out power of attorney for both Health and Finance... Without POAs I can assure you this will be a nightmare and an expensive nightmare if you have to resort to the Court of Protection. You and your sibs may have to do what I had to do which is to say to DM that you cannot help unless the POAs are sorted out.

DH had POA for his DF - by the time we realized it was needed, it would have been too late to arrange it as he was no longer competent. TG DF had organized it. It allowed us to sort through the disorganized mess he'd gotten himself into - and the first question was always to see the POA documents. I guess we were lucky that only 1 of 4 of our parents needed our help. That was exhausting enough. We are now dealing with probate and very thankful there's a will and that BIL was cooperative enough to sign renunciation of executor status. Two designated executors/trustees is also a nightmare.

Wow, your mum disappears in your teens, visits once a month, doubt she was around when your kids were young, and now rocks up with her dh in tow expecting her loving family to care of her in her twilight years. CF methinks.

Gosh, I've just read the whole thread Soontobe60, what a life you have had with your DM. I can really empathise re the difficult old people. I'm the only girl in my whole family cousins included ! As well as my parents I had 2 unmarried aunts who were my mums older sisters and always treated her badly. I got much worse when my oldest disabled aunt was left on her own when her sister died. She expected my tiny 80 year old mum to move in with her and look after her. She was so demanding and was constantly nasty to my mum and I but everyone else thought she was a lovely old lady! The relief when she passed away was enormous, you could see the stress life from my mum.

Hi OP, Just a word of advice regarding your step father's medications. Until he registers at a local GP surgery his old practice are responsible for issuing his medication. Depending on how involved you want to be you can ask them to issue prescriptions and have them sent electronically to a pharmacy near you. It does sound like he is quite unwell.
In our area you have approx three months to register at a local practice before you get removed from the list.

Good luck OP - it does sound a nightmare.

My mum and grandma always had a very difficult relationship. When my grandma got ill (with Parkinsons and later with associated dementia), my mum felt she had to do a lot because my aunt and uncle were useless and selfish.

It's a terribly difficult situation. If you are going to be involved, just make sure you take time out for yourself. Have dedicated times and/or days when your phone is off, for example!

You poor family, this is hell for you. It could be the dehydration but I suspect that something more is going on. Social services may be a starting point. What a silly time for them to move when they are to be brutally honest losing their marbles. Strange surroundings will be even more confusing for them.

Oh that's horrendous @Soontobe60 ... But I'm sure it will work out house wise. This sort of thing happened to us, I'm in my early 30s and not sure I will ever recover but everyone moved eventually.
Take time off work if possible is al I can advise.
Arrange some doctors appointments or at least contact some advice lines maybe age concern?
Thinking of you xxxxxxxx

What you have to decide, with your siblings, is what degree of involvement you’re prepared to take on. I completely disagree with the pp who advised you not to take on a POA, just because it exists you don’t have to use it. They’re a very useful thing to have if everything goes tits up - and it will - and will save you endless hassle and stress.

If you and your siblings decide to wash your hands that’s fine but, from what you’ve said, that doesn’t seem to be the case. Maybe between you, you can decide who’s prepared to do what and assign different areas of support accordingly. What you absolutely don’t want to happen is one of you carrying the entire load. That way breeds resentment and fractured families.

My mother has been through something similar with her own very demanding mother. Expecting my 70yr old mum with multiple hip/knee replacements to climb ladders, repair things, lift heavy objects, be at her beck and call.

You need to chat to your siblings and set boundaries. Just because you have retired, doesn't mean you have to be the one punished and the only one called upon! If something isn't convenience, I've say you already have plans, an appointment etc. Even to just give yourself breathing space and make it clear that you wont drop everything to suit her.

Is she aware that her husbands condition is life limiting and gets worse? The incontinence, shuffling, feeding etc etc will decline. Sometimes in steep stages too. He would be entitled to see an incontinence nurse and get pads at a reduced rate or potentially free. They should also have a call alarm incase of emergencies, and carers to help with washing/feeding etc. How was she coping in their original home?

Autistic = situation

You need to decide what you're willing to do for them (including nothing) and stick to it. Particularly during the many emergencies that you can expect. Start as you mean to go on. If you don't like how things are going so far, pull back now before habits form.
It might be worth speaking to your siblings to make sure they're aware of your stance too. Don't get into the idea that between you, you need to provide x, y and z.
From what you've said of the autistic, it sounds like it'll be difficult to have a middle ground - more likely that you'll be uninvolved or overwhelmed.

This is so hard. Be strong with your boundaries, it's easy to get drawn in and guilt tripped. Sorry you're having to deal with this just when you should be enjoying your well deserved retirement.

What a selfish woman.

I'm sorry your mum has dumped so much on you (and your siblings) as well as leaving you to fend for yourselves as youngsters.

Self preservation isn't an act of aggression.
You can't support your family if you're run dry yourself. First, secure your own oxygen mask, then look to those of your dependants. Your mother may kick off but she'll survive

My uncle did exactly what your mum has done with regards to the house. He decided to move nearer to us, my aunt was quite frail. A date was booked and a week earlier I had a phone call from the removal van driver to say he, my aunt and a removal van had arrived at their new flat but the sale was not due to be completed for a week. I left work and drove there. They were sitting at the estate agent's quite happily having tea and biscuits waiting for me to solve their problems.
The flat was empty- the owners had moved away- and the estate agent spoke to them and they agreed to rent the flat to them for a week because the exchange had taken place, just completion had not happened.
What became very apparent over the next few weeks was that my uncle was increasingly confused and bossy. My poor aunt was much more frail than anyone had known and she died a month later. He was quite cross and said she had been quite lazy recently with housework. He said some very odd things at that time and DH put it down to all the stress but I was sure it was more.
I took him to the GP who said he had a UTI and was slightly dehydrated. He spent a few days in hospital on intravenous antibiotics and fluids and observation and improved. However, as soon as he was back home he struggled to manage. He got annoyed with people and fell out with his best friend and my cousin- who he accused of bringing up his children with no manners at all and his wife of stealing his books!
It became a pattern and he began to forget things like how to use the entry system on his new flat, how to get to where he lived from the church he attended.
It turned out to be the start of vascular dementia.
I am not saying this is what is happening to your mum but I think you should consider if her behaviours might be deteriorating.
It sounds like a nightmare for you.

Do NOT get her to set up POA for you unless you are really sure you want to be the one dealing w her shit. Your relationship with her is already poor (no surprise after how she treated you as a child ), do you really want to be the one to step up on this? Even if she has the start of dementia (and that's a distinct possibility) it doesnt have to be you.