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Elderly parents
Original poster

Elderly mum made disasterous decision.

136 replies

Soontobe60 · 14/02/2020 22:07

My mum and stepdad lived at the other end of the country to me up until yesterday. He has dementia and can't be left alone at all. I've not seen them for 3 months. They've been trying to move near to me and my siblings for 6 months and yesterday was the moving day. They had arranged for their furniture to go into storage for a few days to give us time to sort out their new home, and told me they had booked a hotel for the week.

Well, turns out that's not quite true! They've arrived with nowhere to stay, expecting one of us to put them up, but as step dad can't do stairs, that's a no no as we all live in houses with stairs! So at 4pm today I arranged a hotel for them for the weekend. Mum felt unable to drive anymore so I collected them from my brothers and took them to the hotel. En route, she told me that they hadn't yet had the money from their buyer, even though she had moved into their flat yesterday as soon as they left. Not only that, but the purchase of their new property hadn't gone through yet either! It seems like they are temporarily homeless! If I'd have known this I'd have told them to stay put!

Mum is not the easiest person to get on with at the best of times. She shouted at me tonight because I wouldn't let her smoke in my car. She shouted at her DH because he was walking slowly but he can't walk any faster. After dropping them off at the hotel, I just sat in my car and wept. My DH and I have just spent two years looking after my MIL, and only yesterday scattered her ashes as she passed away in January. We both agreed that looking after her had taken a toll on us both and although we were sad at her death, it was also a relief. (Her quality of life was just really bad).
Now I just feel that the same thing is happening again but instead of looking after a gentle, kind MIL who never demanded anything, I'm going to be looking after a cantankerous mother and possibly a step father who I have hardly got a relationship with. And I feel crap for thinking that way! I can feel my blood pressure going through the roof.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 26/02/2020 15:32

It's almost like she's sabotaging it...

Original poster
Soontobe60 · 26/02/2020 15:24

@ivykaty44
I didn’t know that. I’ll check.
Today’s update- my bloody mother, who I shall now refer to as MBM, seems to have been withholding one of SDs meds!!! The practice nurse said that he’s got 3 meds which he should take daily but he’s only taking 2. MBM has read up on it and said she doesn’t think it’s good for him! The nurse actually told her off properly 🤣. He was also given a walking frame from his last OT, but she left it at their old home because she said looking at it drove her mad.
You couldn’t make it up.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 25/02/2020 22:00

Op make sure your mum is getting 25%discount on her council tax, your sd should qualify for seriously mentally impaired discount and if your mother is also suffering with the same, then the council tax would be free

Original poster
Soontobe60 · 25/02/2020 21:54

So they did see the nurse practitioner for a a new patient check this afternoon, and my dsis tells me that they were both so disorientated that they are sending someone out to do a home visit in the morning! The nurse couldn't say who it would be but it's gone in as an urgent visit.
Thank god for the good old NHS!

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 25/02/2020 19:19

They can't actually see the new GP until they have proof of their new address, which of course they don't yet have.

That’s not the case, the NHS constitution sets out you have a right to see a gp at a practice without being registered www.nhs.uk/choiceintheNHS/Yourchoices/GPchoice/Documents/rcgp_iyp_full_booklet_web_version.pdf

Just had a lot of information about this from NHS in regards to people soda surfing or being homeless

RB68 · 25/02/2020 17:33

Regarding GPs speak to your own and tell them they are visiting they should see them on that basis

Disfordarkchocolate · 25/02/2020 17:30

I see you managed and she didn't.

Original poster
Soontobe60 · 25/02/2020 17:28

No, I didn't answer all her calls. Today I've managed to get the forms for registering with a GP sorted, and we got proof of address from the solicitor who fortuitously had posted out her invoice to her new address. I also persuaded the receptionistbto fit them in for their new oarientbhealth check this afternoon! My dsis is taking them. I suppose the thing with the Sky TV is that she's used to dealing with them as she's had Sky for years.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 25/02/2020 10:43

They can't actually see the new GP until they have proof of their new address, which of course they don't yet have. I can see why it's needed, but there must be a fast-track method for people who've moved house? They can register for Council Tax, but that will take a while. If they have a way of changing their address with their bank, they could ask for a paper statement to be sent - would take a couple of weeks. Now so much is done on line, it's really difficult to get acceptable id, eg a letter from a utility company.

FraglesRock · 25/02/2020 09:29

Yep. She is picking and choosing. Therefore trying to manipulate you all into doing her jobs

FourDecades · 25/02/2020 04:55

Also... so your Mum is not capable of organising to register at a much needed local GP .... but can organise Sky.

So actually she is picking and choosing what she wants to do. Again don't be sucked into doing stuff for them....like answering 10 phone calls.

FourDecades · 25/02/2020 04:53

@Soontobe60 did you answer all the calls?

Original poster
Soontobe60 · 24/02/2020 22:27

My dsis had the pleasure today of trying to get them registered with a doctor. She had to contact their current GP to get their records transferred over as well as an electronic prescription. Then sort out a chemist to deliver the meds when it arrived. They can't actually see the new GP until they have proof of their new address, which of course they don't yet have. My dm seemed only to be able to organise getting Sky to fitted! She must have phoned me about 10 times today.

OP posts:
FourDecades · 24/02/2020 19:22

I agree with Porcupineinwaiting. Seen it so many times on here with OPs being sucked in little by little and their live being taken over by becoming a carer.

Be on guard OP to how much you want to give of yourself

Porcupineinwaiting · 24/02/2020 14:31

Being moved out of familiar surroundings and daily routine can have the same effect, so it's not surprising. I think you are wise to involve social services though. I suspect you will soon find that your mum is barely coping day to day and is desperate for help. She's got you in mind for that, you need to ensure appropriate support gets put in place. If she wont accept help that isn't you, then keep calling social services/their new GP (get them registered quickly) and letting them know your concerns.

LochJessMonster · 24/02/2020 13:56

Now I've rtft, I don't think they are able to be independent. Social care is the best option.

LochJessMonster · 24/02/2020 13:52

Sorry, for some reason I thought there was only 1 page of posts, ignore my last comment!

LochJessMonster · 24/02/2020 13:51

I agree with @AutumnRose1, this does seem a bit attention seeking, however dehydration can cause extreme behaviour so keep an eye on that.

Original poster
Soontobe60 · 24/02/2020 13:47

Seems I has being too optimistic! DM phoned me early this morning saying dsf tried to get out last night, totally disoriented and violent. I’ve made a referral to adult social care and they’re coming out this week to do an assessment.

OP posts:
TheFurryMenace · 24/02/2020 12:14

Im so pleased you got the initial mess sorted OP, what a relief. But, stick to your guns re boundaries - it is clear that your mother does indeed expect you to be at her beck and call, now that you are retired...

Bananasandchocolatecustard · 22/02/2020 21:33

Well done for not being at your mothers beck and call.

ivykaty44 · 22/02/2020 20:21

Well done you for saying Nope
Your mother made her bed.... she’ll have to lie in it

FraglesRock · 22/02/2020 19:03

Put big boundaries in place!

Original poster
Soontobe60 · 22/02/2020 18:18

@Cati1234

Hahaha!
So today has been full on from 8.30 this morning to 4.30 emptying packing boxes full of shite! My dsis and I emptied 20 boxes, and filled 10 more of them with stuff that's going to the tip tomorrow 😳 Only 20 more to do tomorrow.
My dm and step DF both smoke very heavily, and everything seemed to be covered in a thick coating of nicotine, not very pleasant! Anyway, they have gone to bed early ready to start again in the morning but I won't be there, I'm having a lie in!
I've told them I'll be back on Thursday as I've got stuff to do this week, including finding some nice clothes for Marrakesh 💥💥💥. Mum responded to this with 'oh I thought you'd be able to come back tomorrow now you're retired.' Nope.

OP posts:
Cati1234 · 22/02/2020 01:46

@Soontobe60 I just need to figure out how to squeeze the contents of a 3 bed house into a 1 bed bungalow!

You dont need to do this..... she does you have done enough running around... put your feet up and plan your marrakech wardrobe instead!!!