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Elderly parents
Original poster

Elderly mum made disasterous decision.

136 replies

Soontobe60 · 14/02/2020 22:07

My mum and stepdad lived at the other end of the country to me up until yesterday. He has dementia and can't be left alone at all. I've not seen them for 3 months. They've been trying to move near to me and my siblings for 6 months and yesterday was the moving day. They had arranged for their furniture to go into storage for a few days to give us time to sort out their new home, and told me they had booked a hotel for the week.

Well, turns out that's not quite true! They've arrived with nowhere to stay, expecting one of us to put them up, but as step dad can't do stairs, that's a no no as we all live in houses with stairs! So at 4pm today I arranged a hotel for them for the weekend. Mum felt unable to drive anymore so I collected them from my brothers and took them to the hotel. En route, she told me that they hadn't yet had the money from their buyer, even though she had moved into their flat yesterday as soon as they left. Not only that, but the purchase of their new property hadn't gone through yet either! It seems like they are temporarily homeless! If I'd have known this I'd have told them to stay put!

Mum is not the easiest person to get on with at the best of times. She shouted at me tonight because I wouldn't let her smoke in my car. She shouted at her DH because he was walking slowly but he can't walk any faster. After dropping them off at the hotel, I just sat in my car and wept. My DH and I have just spent two years looking after my MIL, and only yesterday scattered her ashes as she passed away in January. We both agreed that looking after her had taken a toll on us both and although we were sad at her death, it was also a relief. (Her quality of life was just really bad).
Now I just feel that the same thing is happening again but instead of looking after a gentle, kind MIL who never demanded anything, I'm going to be looking after a cantankerous mother and possibly a step father who I have hardly got a relationship with. And I feel crap for thinking that way! I can feel my blood pressure going through the roof.

OP posts:
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Sithee · 05/04/2020 16:03

@Soontobe60 I hope things are ok for you during these worrying times. Your family has been in my thoughts. Take care.

LindaSmithfanclub · 08/03/2020 11:50

Soontobe60, I've just spotted this thread. Your DM sounds very similar to a friend's mother who was one of those old hippy types who lived life according to her own rules, with her own interests always coming ahead of her children and partners. So many similarities I lost count.

Late in life (late 70s), having led my friend a merry dance for years, the mother was referred to a psychiatrist who diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder and early stage dementia. The diagnosis helped my friend enormously because it relieved her of the feeling that somehow she could sort things out and make them all right. Social workers and others involved with the mother have all advised my friend to step back and let the professionals deal with things.

I hope things have settled down for you in the last couple of weeks. It's a nightmare.

FourDecades · 07/03/2020 17:25

@Soontobe60 how are thing's?

Gingernaut · 03/03/2020 23:15

Diazepam wouldn't help with any confusion, though.

How is everything OP?

AutumnRose1 · 29/02/2020 15:18

Diazepam is hard for me to get with a history of years of anxiety and depression. I’m also wondering how many you found.

MrsDrudge · 29/02/2020 13:39

Re Stepdads meds’/registering with GP - anyone can be seen by a GP on a temporary residents basis wherever they are living.

justasking111 · 29/02/2020 13:24

Diazapam crikey that is strong stuff normally given for three weeks only how much did you find?

strawberry2017 · 29/02/2020 10:26

I fear she's moved closer to you because knowing you are retired she's expecting you to do it all for her.
It's going to be hard but you need to stay strong and keep accessing the appropriate care for them.
Good luck OP

Original poster
Soontobe60 · 29/02/2020 10:16

I agree that she's showing signs of dementia, but it could also be down to her having had to deal with stepdad by herself before they moved here, along with her poor physical health. When I was sorting out yet another packing box of stuff that came with her, I found packets of diazepam that had recently been prescribed for her. Is that for anxiety maybe?
She seemed a lot better this afternoon when I popped round, as did stepdad. At least they were both in clean clothes and the place looked tidy.
I phone Ned social services up again yesterday afternoon as d not heard off em since my initial call. They haven't even allocated them a case worker yet! I did pointnout the urgency of sorting out support for stepdads personal care as MBM can't bathe him herself, and they promised to make contact next week.

OP posts:
Gingernaut · 28/02/2020 19:36

It really does sound like she may be suffering from dementia herself.

Dealing with the familiar (Sky), doing only what she feels like rather than what needs to be done and failing to see the consequences of her behaviour.

I doubt she'll ever see the damage she's done to your SD.

justasking111 · 28/02/2020 17:28

My friends in laws lived a fair distance away. FIL was a sweet chap who started to get confused, they visited every weekend put care in place, plus meals for two every day. They were concerned when FIL was obviously losing weight. They eventually discovered that MIL was only giving him half rations and storing the rest in a fridge outside. They found decaying food in there. MIL said it was far too much food and he should not be eating that amount.

Frankly she did not give a fig about him but complained that he was getting all the attention and no-one cared about her. Eventually he went into a home which made her happy because she was done with him. Once she was living solo it her dementia which had not been apparent before went into free fall. So her not caring may have been because she was ill herself, which had not showed itself overtly before then.

Original poster
Soontobe60 · 28/02/2020 17:18

@Porcupineinwaiting
If only that were the case! He's clearly not been looked after very well. Up to this move, MBM had been coming up to see the family every few months, leaving him home alone but telling us he had a live in carer looking after him. She admitted she'd just been leaving him with a load of sandwiches and cans of pop, and he just slept in his chair!
Practically everything she has done has been to please herself first and foremost and now she expects her children to not only look after her, but also to look after him.
Now, she can't seem to make a rational decision about anything. For example, she wants a dishwasher fitted into her tiny kitchen which only has one base cupboard available so she'd have nowhere to put her plates and dishes. Her reasoning is that she can use the dishwasher to keep the clean plates in????

Luckily for her, her children, my siblings, are a damn sight more caring that she ever was to us.

OP posts:
Porcupineinwaiting · 28/02/2020 10:30

So do think she's doing it to be cruel and selfish? Or is perhaps misguided and resentful ?

What about when elderly people themselves refuse help or aids or medication (really very common). Are they just stupid and selfish, or might there be other emotions going on?

JKScot4 · 28/02/2020 10:16

@porcupine
I think withholding medication, walking aid etc isn’t caring is it? It’s actually cruel.

Porcupineinwaiting · 28/02/2020 10:02

Yes, she's been selfishly caring for an ailing husband single-handedly. Watching someone she presumably once cared about fade away and resenting the ever increasing lack of control that age and sickness are bringing into her life. What a cow.

JKScot4 · 28/02/2020 09:56

Your BM is easily one of the worst I’ve read about, her selfishness is breathtaking, I don’t know how you’ve not strangled her!!

picklemewalnuts · 27/02/2020 23:21

Bravo, OP. You are doing wonderfully well, and have coined a new MN abbreviation I think. My mother will also be MBM from here on in.
MBM is a little like yours, only more superficially respectable. It's all about what the neighbours will think. She was unkind to DF in his last illness because she knew better than the HCPs involved.

justasking111 · 27/02/2020 22:56

The independent living people are wonderful and will have come across people like your DM many, many times. I apologised to an agency once about my MIL, they said not to worry they dealt with this all the time. They are the right people to help your family out.

TheABC · 27/02/2020 22:51

I am wondering how much longer your DSD will be in that house. If he can't be safely washed, moved around or given the correct medication, it becomes an adult safeguarding issue. Social Services may pick up on it. Or else, there is going to be a crisis that tips him into hospital.

Original poster
Soontobe60 · 27/02/2020 22:40

MBM had a visit from the Independent Living OT today to assess my stepdad for bathing after I did the SS referral on Monday. What a delight that turned out to be. The OT was fab actually. It seems they can get adaptations made to the bathroom and change the bath to a shower that he can easily access. This is done via a grant and would not cost them anything. It sounded absolutely perfect. However, MBM wasn't happy that she couldn't pick the tiles, have chrome fittings instead of white, have the floor fully tiled instead of a shower tray, have underfloor heating fitted. The OT said if that's what she wanted they would not be able to do the work and she'd have to pay for it herself.
He said stepdad needed a wheeled walker to get round the house but she said she wanted grab bars in every doorway instead because she didn't like walking frames. And on it went. When the OT left, to go and get a bath board as a temporary measure, she said he didn't know what he was talking about and he could bugger off. That was the point I'd had enough and left.
When dsis phoned her tonight MBM told her the OT said she could have the spare bedroom converted to a wet room to her specifications and it would start next week. I give up!

OP posts:
AutumnRose1 · 27/02/2020 19:31

OP so sorry you’re going through this
What did the nurse think of your mum in medical terms?

Ginger what sort of things were you thinking? No one can be legally compelled to deal with an inherited mess in the UK, I think? I hope....

Apolloanddaphne · 27/02/2020 11:17

Gosh OP that all sounds difficult. I hope SS manage to put some supports in place once they have done their assessment.

ivykaty44 · 27/02/2020 11:01

It's almost like she's sabotaging it...

That’s why I wonder whether ops mum also has some type of dementia?

Weenurse · 27/02/2020 07:02

I can relate, my DM hated her DP walking with a frame, said it made him look old.
He was 95 FFS.

GingerBeverage · 26/02/2020 15:52

Hi OP. You probably don't have enough energy to do this atm but my first thought is to check both their wills. Because honestly, this is the awful kind of situation where you could discover a nasty surprise (I speak from experience of having to untangle my uncle's intestate estate - 7 years it took). Living wills are so important.

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