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Elderly parents
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I feel really guilty

27 replies

FeelingSickk · 13/02/2020 22:08

DM has been very ill with heart and lungs problems for the last 3 years. She's had several operations and each time we thought she was getting better she deteriorated. It's been exhausting.

She was very ill recently and we thought we'd lose her. We said all our good byes and I started mentally preparing myself for the loss. I was really sad, but started to see some upsides - she'll finally be in peace, no more pain, she'll not have to go through anymore etc... And I selfishly also started to think 'ill get my life back', 'no more worrying', 'no more caring', 'no more emotional abuse' (when not v ill she has been v abusive throughout my life).

Miraculously she pulled through what we thought was the end and is now making good progress and possibly likely to live even another 20 years.

I saw her in hospital today and was feeding her soup when I started to feel sick. I just wanted to get the hell out. I started to have thoughts like 'why couldn't you just have died' and 'i wish you were dead'. It scared me and I can't believe I felt like that. She is so frail and vulnerable and I was so nasty to have those thoughts. I should be happy she's making remarkable progress, and I am. But in the hospital I just felt angry and actually sad she was alive :(

Please tell me this has happened to you(?)

I hate myself.

OP posts:
MereDintofPandiculation · 14/02/2020 09:55

I posted a response to this, but it's vanished! So here goes again:

My Dad is lovely, and tries so hard to be a nuisance. But part of me was hoping it'd soon be over - it's the relentlessness of it, not even being able to relax in front of the TV because you're always listening for the phone call.

Now it's easier as he's in a home, but there's still so much to do, and I find myself almost wishing that his mental state would decline so that we no longer have to involve him in decisions.

So no, you are not alone, and you have nothing to feel guitly about.

And I wonder whether the intensity of your feelings is partly the result of being on the end of the abuse?

IthinkIsawahairbrushbackthere · 13/02/2020 22:16

Not exactly the same but I understand the conflicted feelings you are experiencing.

Whatever her faults my mum has always been very loving and I am glad I still have her but there are days when I struggle so much with the role of carer. Then I try to remember how I felt sitting in the relatives room expecting them to come and tell me she had died.