Worried and can't cope with severely depressed mother

She's very clever and yet she seems to not understand anything at all, really??
I think she has manipulated you into thinking that about her

My mum was exactly like this. She died of bowel cancer last March and honestly the relief has been immense. Sounds awful but I realise actually her behaviour towards me my whole life was so abusive and she was a total narcissist. It sounds awful but if you can cut contact you’ll feel so much better. She’s abusing you. My mum was my only family too- I have no other relatives at all so I know it’s hard but seriously this isn’t good for your health. You’re not responsible for her happiness.

You letting her scream and wail down the phone is not helping her and is damaging you. It is her way of self-soothing and it is bad. You will be doing both you and her a massive favour by hanging up as soon as she starts behaving badly. Tell her "Mum, this does not help. I am going now. Bye." Then hang up.

She will likely get worse before better. If you and your brother stop enabling this poor habit of hers then she will suffer but then have to try something else, most likely some of the professional support available to her. She has to own it though, which is why you and brother have to just stop engaging and not offer advice. She's intelligent, she has to decide to want to get help. You being on tap is helping her avoid making that choice.

It’s harsh but I wouldn’t answer the phone. I would let the answerphone kick in and only call her when I felt i could.
She’s an adult and should take responsibility for her own MH. You can’t fix this. You can’t cure her. She’s BU to take out how she’s feeling on you. If she gets professional help then you can support her. But you can’t cure this.
(I suffer with anxiety and depression BTW!)

However you can protect yourself from being they sole source of support so they can then maybe get it somewhere else...

I've spoken to social services and her GP and there is nothing they can do

If she's suicidal could they not refer her to the mental health team? I guess they mean she needs to engage with support and take her meds.

I think they need to get to the stage of accepting support themselves and we can't make them.

this is the problem, you can see that this person is drowning but you know that if you jump in to save them all that will happen is that you both drown

Sympathy, my issues with my DPs aren't as bad as this, I've mostly had to cope with physical frailties, but it's exhausting.

I echo other people, it's not for you to pick up the pieces because she won't take action. I had this with my DF, in the end I had to say that I wouldn't be able to keep checking up on him every time he accidently pressed the button on his phone that rang me. If he refused to get a lifeline, which he did, the possible consequence was that he falls and I don't answer a call immediately because of constant false alarms and he bleeds to death on the floor but that this was a consequence of his decision not mine. It felt harsh saying it but I couldn't carry on dropping work or whatever else I was doing to establish whether there was a real emergency or not. When he did have his final fall he didn't even have his phone with him anyway, luckily I was going round and found him.

Anyway, it is perfectly reasonable for you to set your boundaries and just speak to your mother on your terms. It's grim though. Every day I feel guilty now about my own DM's health, isolation and grief from losing my dad, but if I don't set my own boundaries I'm going to crack.

Why won't she take tablets?
I'll tell you why... she doesn't want to get better she wants to use her illness to manipulate and abuse YOU madampewter

Hello... It is draining. My mum was like this and I used to get so wound up. I ended up feeling guilty, stressed and resentful. I hated been with her and had never had a good relationship with her. She would not take tablets, it was all poor me all the time.

I eventually sat with her and told her how I felt. She cried, wailed and felt sorry for herself. I told her I could not take anymore and if she could not help herself then no one would. I kept my distance and every time she moaned I kept saying what do you want me to do. You won't take anti depressants, won't have counselling, won't accept support. This is not fair on me. I can help you if you help yourself a little.

Eventually, it clicked. She had no one who would listen anymore and went on anti depressants. Still not great but it is manageable.

It is so hard having a parent like this. I envy those who have close relationship s with their mothers!

I would block her completely, if you don't she will ruin your health and then climb over your withered failing body to get to the next victim
She sounds like a florrid narcissist

Oh, OP, sounds awful.

It’s really hard, but if she has capacity and refuses help or to take medication then there’s nothing you can do. Tell her this and then step back. Maybe seek counselling for yourself to help you. Block her number and unblock when you call her. Make a referral to Social Services, though they will have the same problem if she has capacity.

She’s an adult. It’s horrible, but it’s her right to choose to behave like this. But it’s your right to live your life in peace. You can’t save her no matter how much you’d like to. 💐

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. Have a look at the site Out of the FOG online, it might help you. It's not your fault, you aren't responsible for her feelings and actions